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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Feeling GUILTY - FIL just died

37 replies

Quootiepie · 16/08/2006 17:25

my DH just rung and his dad has just died... and because of me the last 2 years they have had a really bad relationship, and have barely talked, whereas before me they were very close. I am feeling so so so so so guilty riht now and really dont know what to do!!!

OP posts:

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coggy · 16/08/2006 20:25

Quootie...the only people you need to worry about is you and your DH.

Stuff what other people think or don't think.
It sounds as if you won't be able to win either way so just do whatever is best for the two of you.
X

Blondilocks · 16/08/2006 19:57

I would just be supportive to your DH & try not to feel too guilty. Even if you appearing in your DHs life meant that he saw him less or got on less well it doesn't sound like you forced him to.

It's not your fault that your FIL didn't get on with you. It shouldn't have stopped him getting on with his son either. I'm sure many people dislike their children-in-law but many wouldn't lose a relationship with their own child for it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even if you are partly to blame, there is also blame belonging to the other parties involved.

My OH didn't visit his dad as often before he died & that was in part because he wanted to spend lots of time with me & DD. He feels guilty now that he didn't make more effort. I know people who argued with people who died before they saw them again. It's natural to feel guilty - easy to think if only I did a bit more, gave a bit more time, tried harder to make it work etc.

Quootiepie · 16/08/2006 19:29

i guess so... but hes not as switched on as me to other peoples feelings/views....

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tortoise · 16/08/2006 19:27

Ask DH if he wants you there with him and take it from there.

Quootiepie · 16/08/2006 19:25

if I wear dark glasses people will think im there to look cool for a social event. I know FIL wouldnt want me there... he hated me

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RubyRioja · 16/08/2006 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quootiepie · 16/08/2006 19:23

MIL was cruel too... arghhhhhh!

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Quootiepie · 16/08/2006 19:22

then ill get stares... and the whispers "whats she doing here?" and if I dont go its "fancy not coming, heartless cow" "fancy not supporting her husband"... why when my life starts to sort itself out does something happen?

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tortoise · 16/08/2006 19:22

If you want to go to the funeral for DH then go.Not sure i would want to take a baby with me though.
Its down to mil what happens next.If she wants to get to know your ds then its on your terms.

RubyRioja · 16/08/2006 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quootiepie · 16/08/2006 19:11

its so complex...do I go to the funeral? do I not go? do I send DS? Do I let MIL into DSs life now???

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coggy · 16/08/2006 18:59

Oh Quootie....I am so sorry to read this thread.
You are in my thoughts.....

If it's any consolation...I have read what you wrote and I don't think it sounds like your fault at all.
Everyone is responsible for their own actions and any one of the family could have stopped it at anytime.

Like RR said...don't let anyone else put their guilt or grief on you....people often need to direct their grief and this comes out as anger, especially if someone has died young or unexpectedly.

Look after your DH and yourself.
X

FloatingOnTheMed · 16/08/2006 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quootiepie · 16/08/2006 18:38

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RubyRioja · 16/08/2006 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quootiepie · 16/08/2006 18:21

thanks... everythings buzzing through my mind.

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tortoise · 16/08/2006 18:20

Im here if you want to chat.

Quootiepie · 16/08/2006 18:18

dont know when he'll be home, he's gone to his mums

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tortoise · 16/08/2006 18:15

Q i don't know what i can say but i really feel for you.Feel i kind of know you since we have been FLYing.And im upset for you feeling like this.Is DH home late tonight?
I hope once you have had a good chat with him that you will feel better.
My e-mail address if you ever want to contact me off of mn is [email protected].

Quootiepie · 16/08/2006 18:10

FILs sister just rung to tell me... how guilty do they want me to feel??

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Quootiepie · 16/08/2006 18:08

yeah, but he didnt... he always thought it would get sorted and we'd be "one big happy family"... and after the abortion, he didnt choose me... not until i hounded him for months

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tortoise · 16/08/2006 18:07

They should make the effort to come to you.Im sure you didn't want your ds in a smoke filled room.

Quootiepie · 16/08/2006 18:06

the other week he said "right, you and your baby and your wife come here now to sort this!" and we didnt because they chain smoke and were being petty, thinking they should make the effort and come to ours

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tortoise · 16/08/2006 18:04

Oh Q.How horrible for you to have been called a liar when you are not.I can't see how dh will blame you.He made the choice to choose you over his dad.

Medulla · 16/08/2006 17:59

No Quootiepie you are not. This is not your fault. Your FIL was quite unreasonable - how dare he call you a liar after all you had been through - on what grounds did he have the right to call you a liar? It's not your fault your FIL was so controlling. What happened today was terrible and no doubt it will take your husband some time to get over it and he will need your help and support but remember he chose you, he loves you. You are a good person

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