Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Mum's terminal illness is ruining all of our lives.

75 replies

toptramp · 21/06/2011 21:37

I have posted about this before on here but my mum has terminal throat cancer. Very nasty, slow, visula death. I just feel like my whole life is on hold and that I cannot have any fun. We can't go out, go on holiday, I had to cancel Glastonbury and all I am waiting for is mum's death which lets face it is utterly horrendously shite. I want to have soem fun but I just feel that I can't until she passes. I just thought she'd die at a ripe old age of 90 or something.It's one horrible limbo and I want to get drunk and forget it all but I can't as I have a 3 year old dd.
I don't want mum to die at all but dying slowly of cancer is shite shite shite.

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 21/06/2011 22:23

Crotchety Hook - you meanie.
A prolonged death has it's pro's in that you get to say goodbye and hopefully sort out the dull practical things like finances/ funerals.
BUT no one turns into a Saint and it's a very miserable time for all. Life goes on hold regarding weekends away/ holidays etc and actually it's the one time your body and mind could do with a break.

It's draining. It's relentless. You feel guilt if you spend 30 mins giggling about trivia with a goodmate because you should be thinking of your dearest one who is fading from life. Fun isn't allowed. And it's scary.

And sometimes you just want to stamp your feet and scream it's not fffing fair. And where can you go to whine? Well not to you Crotch Hook.

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 21/06/2011 22:30

toptramp,you have every right to be pissed off with life at present, and being a bystander is so hard as you always feel impotent yet 'have to be strong' for those around you,
this is where you need to come to rant and rage as we don't need you to be strong here, and many of us have worn your shoes too, so can understand a little of how you feel.

emmanumber3 · 21/06/2011 22:39

I watched my lovely dad die slowly & painfully from cancer 8 years ago. It was horrendous & I do completely sympathise with the situation you are in.

I can honestly say though that I didn't see things quite the way you do. I had no fun during the time he was so very ill either, no holidays or weekends away, but that was because I wanted to be with my dad instead. It never crossed my mind that I was missing out on anything in my life, I could just see how much of his life was being stolen from him (he was 66 & hadn't even retired).

I'm not saying you're wrong or selfish - just that there are different ways of seeing things. I am genuinely sorry you & your mum are going through this Sad.

Original poster
toptramp · 21/06/2011 22:41

I think it's the fact that you have to put everything on hold......for a loved one to die which is shite. It's not like waiting for a birth where there is new life and new hope.

OP posts:
Original poster
toptramp · 21/06/2011 22:43

I do see it like that emmanumber. I thought that I have the rest of my life to enjoy myself whereas mum dosn't but I'm not sure how life is going to be so wonderful when mum has gone. Ok; I can enjoy parties etc but that will just gloss over a massive and terrible loss.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 21/06/2011 22:43

I can kind of understand you op,when my dad was ill with cancer the world seemed to go on without me

Its horrible watching a loved one suffer so much Sad

Original poster
toptramp · 21/06/2011 22:44

I just thought I would rather be with mum than anywhere else but at the same time being with someone who is suffering isn't the quality time that I wanted or imagines. I just can't imagine being carefree again.

OP posts:
Original poster
toptramp · 21/06/2011 22:45

imagined

OP posts:
Original poster
toptramp · 21/06/2011 22:46

I do sound like a selfish cow but being in this situation is like watching the world carry on as normal but wondering how the hell they can do so when XY or Z has cancer.

OP posts:
MavisEnderby · 21/06/2011 22:48

I think its the not being able to do anything normal.Not being able to plan a day out with the children,in case your loved on has to go to hospital,not to be able to do anything...just in case.It IS living in limbo,and it isn't about being selfish.I would liken it to watching the world go by and feeling like you and your loved ones are in some kind of bubble,disassociated with the world,always waiting for the next or worst thing to happen xxx

emmanumber3 · 21/06/2011 22:51

You will find a way to cope toptramp. I know it's a cliche but life does go on & in time you will be able to enjoy life again. It will be hard but time is a good healer. It's been 8 years for me and while I still miss my dad like mad, life is "normal" again. All very cliche, but actually true.

Do you think some grief counselling could help you? My dad received care from a brilliant local hospice & I remember they offered counselling for relatives throughout the final months/weeks and afterwards. Remember, we start to grieve for the person we are losing before we have actually lost them so grief counselling beforehand is not that odd.

usualsuspect · 21/06/2011 22:52

Thats exactly it ..the feeling of being disassociated from the world

I often wondered if I would ever feel normal again,but op you will one day

Northernlurker · 21/06/2011 22:56

Crotchetyhook - your post is just nasty.

OP - My bil died in March. We knew he was dying from October 2010 and it was so awful. I know exactly what you mean. You really do resent the malignant presence cancer has in your lives. It's like some dark, evil presence just sitting in the room with you, waiting. You can't get away. you can't look forward properly, you just have to grit your teeth and hold on.
I feel fo you so much. Sad

Kandinsky · 21/06/2011 22:58

Please don't think of yourself as selfish. This is the most horrible situation to be in. My Dad died from cancer last year. He/we were very fortunate that he had a "good" death and we had some very enjoyable times with him almost to the end but I still felt life was on hold. We are now dealing with the horror of the living death of my mum with advanced dementia. She is our mother and we love her but her condition has sucked any pleasure or relationship dry. The only resolution is for her to die but how can we possible wish that on someone who was so precious to us. It is ghastly and very difficult to understand without experience. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

Thornton77 · 21/06/2011 23:11

Can i just say that you are NOT being selfish, if i was in your position I would be feeling the same. My sister has had breast cancer twice, and my world come to a holt both times

I'm thinking of you.

frans · 21/06/2011 23:22

I'm so sorry. My mum died of cancer two weeks ago and I'm in a similar situation to you in having a 3 year old as well as an 8 week old. It's truly horrendous watching someone you love suffer so much, and the impact on family members is relentless too. My thoughts ate with you.

frans · 21/06/2011 23:23

*are

osd · 21/06/2011 23:26

I can offer no advice or words that can soothe

Mil had fought breast cancer and survived, just before Easter after being clear for 3 years she had developed cancer non specific in her blood, she seemed to be improving and in the last two weeks has worsened horrendously, she now has jaundice and is failing. She is in hospital tomorrow and i hoping for fil sake it is good news, my dh dad is an amazing man and he is lost and it is hurting so much to see him so scared and without direction.

I can offer no comfort to him or any one in this position. Cancer is the worst thing in the world, a bastard of illnesses.

I can only say be strong, love her and your dad and daughter and know that that is enough right now, you don't have to be strong, just love them.

CrotchetyHook · 21/06/2011 23:34

I'm not callous, just commenting on the OP's choice of phraseology.

"I just want to have some fun" suggests she is putting her own life, experiences and personal enjoyment ahead of what is happening right now.

Had the OP been worded "I can't see when I'll have fun again" that would be different.

Yes, it is shit, horribly so.

But, please, do not start whining about "having" to cancel going to Glastonbury because your mother is dying.

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 21/06/2011 23:46

crotchety
in this situation, there is a lot of truth in the old adage 'if you can't say something nice, say nothing at all'
The OP is not whining she is apprehensive, angry,conflicted and above all sad.
please be kind.

thelittlestkiwi · 21/06/2011 23:50

I think living in the absence of hope is the hardest thing.

It's very clear that what you want most in the world is for your mum to be well and to be with you. Just remember that actually, you can't do anything to change how things will happen. Don't feel guilty about wanting to be happy. I'm sure it's what your mum wants for you too.

Be strong.

PonceyMcPonce · 21/06/2011 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

throckenholt · 22/06/2011 07:50

heathcliffthe2nd

my mum is also in late stage ovarian cancer - and I can empathise with all the feelings on this thread. It is constantly on your mind, intrudes into sleep in the middle of the night. And there is nothing you can do to make things better. Juggling that with a young demanding family and a job and it is completely exhausting.

The not knowing how long it will go on for is bad too.

Hang in there OP.

Original poster
toptramp · 22/06/2011 07:55

I'm not just whining about cancelling Glastonbury (that was no hard decision to make by the way; I was supposed to be working in the kids' field with dd but I just couldn't enjoy it with mum so ill) but the putting even the smallest things on hold. We were supposed to be taking mum on a last holiday to cornwall but we can't do that.

I met a wonderful councellor in the hospice whose mum also died of cancer at a young age. She said that you still do have to do normal things and have fun as mum wants to hear about the normal , fun things. the irony is that I just don't feel liek doing normal , fun things but really envy those who seem so carefree. Hope that makes sense.

Thanks for your support all. i don't blame some of you thinking I sound awful I do want to be with mum and nowhere else but I also crave normality and miss being carefree. This is what growing up is about; sometimes we loose those we love.

OP posts:
throckenholt · 22/06/2011 07:58

I think there is an issue of not wanting to arrange social events just in case .....

We had stuff organised for the easter weekend which I had to miss because of a medical crisis with mum. I would like to rearrange those and catch up with the people I missed seeing then but I don't feel I can because the next crisis can come at any time.