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Bereavement

How do you cope following a termination for abnormalities?

77 replies

majormoo · 23/08/2005 13:29

Last week I went for my 12 week scan, and we were told the baby, which we later learned was a girl, had severe abnormalities (trisomy 13) and was incompatible with life. I had a termination on friday.

Life has obviously been horrendous since then.The first couple of days were shocking, terrifying and we just kept collapsing into tears. The weekend was very sad and exhausting. The last couple of days have been a bit easier, but it so hard to accept what has happened. I wondered if anyone had any advice on how to accept something like this? Our friends are disappeared off the face of the earth, other than my oldest friend, no one has called me since we told them. We do have great family support though and a lovely 2 year old daughter.

We have been told it is just very bad luck and is very unlikely to recur, but I will be terrified if I ever decide to try again. Physically the hospital said, just wait for 1 period and then, if we want, we can try again. God knows if this will be too soon.

A counsellor from Kings College Hospital will call us in a couple of weeks, as in Brighton, where we live, there is a 2 month waiting list for counselling.

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grazia11 · 23/09/2005 20:39

I was so sorry to read your story, majormoo. I was moved to join this thread because the very same thing happened to me last year at 12 weeks. I was 40 years old and it was my first (much longed for) pregnancy.

I was told then that there was no reason why I couldn't go on to have a healthy pregnancy. And, the thing I would say to you, majormoo, is that, however miserable I felt, and however awful i felt about the decision we felt we had to make at the time, I have never regretted the decision or thought I could have done anything different: the foetus (a little girl) was terribly ill and was not likely to survive much more of the pregnancy.

No other pregnancy happened for a while and then I had a laparoscopy in July to remove some ossified tissue in my uterus (they only knew it was that when they opened me up). And then, joy of joys!, I fell pregnant (we thought on our wedding anniversary in August).

However, I have just had an eight week scan (yesterday) which has revealed an anembryonic sac. I have to go back in a week to have a d&c as I show no sign of miscarrying the placenta etc. This time there is no foetus, though, which means that i don't have the same awful feelings of guilt as last time.

But I am feeling very angry at the moment - mostly at myself for being so old and generally "at risk" (how i wish i'd met the man i wanted to spend my life with in my 20s - i was 36 when we met). I had months of therapy following the termination last year, just to come to terms with the fact that I'm really not that special and frankly i am NOT being singled out for some malign fate: these things just happen (especially if you are an older mother - however fit and healthy you are in every other aspect, gynaecologically, you're ancient). I even told my therapist recently that, this time, I felt I would be ready if something bad were to happen again and not take it so, well, so damn' personally. Sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? Especially when i am so sad and angry now. Have been accused by my beloved of being negative and wallowing in this - is there anyone else out there who has experienced this reaction?

Am sorry if this counts as hijacking a conversation thread - I feel I ought to be offering words of comfort rather than more tales of woe but I feel so alone at the moment. I hope to buck up in a few days (maybe after the op) but right now am just feeling tired and miserable and fed up.