anger management in 3 year old -please help ( long)

[spooly]

Hi all, I have posted before with little success, please read on although long and advice will be gratefully received

My 3 year old son has issues with anger...
to explain.. what is nomal is a feisty stubborn active silly and gregarious nature. He has lots of friends and is a great talker.

His lovely nursery experienced difficulties when he went up to pre school. He is defiant about changing activities, doesnt like the structure as much and is on the naughty chair/ in the middle of incidents alot!

This abiding by the rules is improving and he knows right and wrong and will say sorry etc.

The problem is he experiences extreme bouts of anger/frustration over seemingly quite unrelated things from an advert to the wrong music!! to more typical sharing issues. It is wrse when he is tired and he does have long days at nursery due to my work.

It has been brought to a head by the teacher advising to bring in a early years officer. She does not want to label him any more than me, but says the extent of his anger and the venom in his words ( no swearing!- I want to bite you hit you etc... but litlle actually doing this)is beyond her.

We do not think he has a 'disorder' but his anger is very personal to his character. I was an angry child yet sociable and popular and I do understand the feeling.

There is now a new CAFform to be filled in for any child intervention in all areas. I do not want to have an official report wrtten as I feel this is wrong and could be detrimental. However I am DESPARATE for advice on anger management techniques.

I have been to the doctors and she has referred me (6-8 weeks and form filling ) but recommended private observation to get things going if I wanted answers.
(expensive!!)

I have researched a turtle technique ( canadian) with the aid of a puppet!! to get him to stop, think, go in his shell, count to 3 deep breaths and come out and think of an answer( nwith help) he kind of understands this and can verbalise emotions, but the incidents of so spontaneous he cant pre empt them or act independantly on controlling it.

HE IS ONLY 3, what can I do?, I have to abide the nurserys advice, but I am loathe to label my child. I honestly dont think he is the worst I have seen...BUT I have to deal with this now, otherwise school could be a nightmare.

Techniques, recommendations for help in london, similarities, ANY ADVICE PLEASE?!

PS his father and I have had some problems in the past, we are ok and we are pretty united in the love and support of our child and in dealin with his behaviour, although this can be stressful at times.

Many thanks

Spooly

[Tinkabelle]

VIOLENT OUTBURSTS - SPITTING in my face, calling everyone "STUPID IDIOT", HITTING, SCRATCHING AND KICKING. My son is about to be 4yr next month, everyone who meets him thinks he is the most charming adorable boy, however he has these horrendous outbursts when things don't go his way. He seems so mature in so many ways, he is an excellent communicator, shares well, expresses himself well. However these explosions are unbearable at times as they happen in public and at home.

I am an intelligent women who has read up on raising boys and been to parenting practice workshops. I employ all the techniques they that are recommended, and basically sat down and discussed with my son how ridiculous he looks when he does this behavious, and that he is embarressing himself with his 'immature babyish outbursts'.

He is very defient and basically says he doesn't care about any punishment, time out never works as he kicks the door down and screams his head off for the entire duration. Taking away pleasure's eg. comforters, treats doesn't work either. He just says he doesn't care and that I am a STUPID IDIOT.

Help! I find it terribly embaressing being spat out and my face clawed in the supermarket and screamed that I am a STUPID IDIOT!!

Due to his behavious friends are cautious now to have him to play in case of his outbursts and also because of his influence on their children I am sure.

Can anyone offer advice. He will be going to full time school in September and has an older 6 yr old brother who is very well mannered and has threatened to leave home because he can't cope with his brother's outbursts.

Please advise.

[Dottoressa]

OMG. I have just been reading through all this, and everything applies to my DS in spades. He was six in May, and has struggled to deal with his frustrations since he was a toddler. He is also obsessive, and becomes semi-hysterical if something happens that means he can't pursue one of his obsessions (cathedrals are the current one - cue a huge tantrum that I won't take him for a day-trip to Wells, a mere 250 miles from home). He has hit me, he has spat at me, he has told me I'm a "stupid mother" (etc, etc, etc) - yet is also capable of being the most delightful, engaging, funny little creature. He seems not to care if he loses privileges/treats as a result of bad behaviour; he just seems to feel even more hard done-by.

He is undoubtedly jealous of his younger sister, which affects his behaviour; he was at home with my DH and me for two years before she was born. He struggled to come to terms with other children generally when he started school, though seems largely to have got the hang of it now. His teachers say that he's an absolute delight: polite, considerate, model pupil and so on - though he does store up all his frustrations until he gets home, so they don't see him when he's throwing a wobbly!

Sibh - I found your comments really, really reassuring and helpful. Thank you. I have some very down days when I feel like the worst mother in the world (either too soft and letting him get away with things, or too strict and expecting too much of a little boy - I'm never quite sure which). It's all not helped by the fact that DD is so "good" - she knows all the rules of pleasant and pleasing behaviour, and sticks to them like glue.

Ah well. Spooly - I am burbling about myself, but it's a very roundabout way of saying that some children do just seem to be this way inclined, and I don't believe they should be medicalised or put on registers of "possibly problematic children". If your DS weren't at nursery, nobody would be suggesting that he had any kind of problem; if he had these outbursts at home, you'd be thinking that it's just a phase, and he'll grow out of it at some point. Nurseries/schools need children to conform, and those who don't shouldn't necessarily be made to feel that they're the ones with the problem. Good luck!

[HonoriaGlossop]

Tinkabelle, I just wanted to say that it strikes me it just can't be helpful to sit him down after the event and tell him how awful he looks and that he's embarrassing himself and being babyish. I wouldn't do that at all. it's probably just making him more resentful and angry TBH.

I hope some of the posts on this thread go some way to helping you realise that it's normal behaviour and will come to an end?

I think your ds just needs firm boundaries (eg time out, even if he's trying to bang the door down - the consequence is the thing, it doesn't matter what he does during it the important thing is that you consistently apply it) and also I think a boundary of NOT getting into conversation with him when he is calling names or being awful like this - show him that you NEVER speak to boys who talk to you like this.

I think those are the boundaries he needs to help him come out the other side of this. He doesn't need and won't benefit from being talked to about it to try and make him realise how he looks etc; he is still 3 and still prey to huge swings of emotion and he can't DEAL yet with remembering to moderate his behaviour because of a chat you've had. He needs the rules to be clear basically, IMO.

[Phil75]

Just wanted to add that my DS will be 4 in September and is also being really really difficult at the moment. He is extremely articulate and mature in many ways, but is being really rude to me and showing very aggressive behaviour at the moment. Having watched the other boys in his preschool who are a bit older and going on to school in September, I am reassured, as they all seem to be absolutely wild at this age. It's very much a boy thing. I just wanted to sympathise as I also work a lot and DS goes to nursery 2 full days and preschool 2 mornings and you can't help but feel guilty & responsible. I really struggle not to lose it with him but also know that this is just a really frustrating time for him.. caught between high emotions and immaturity at how to deal with them.

The problem is exasperated by the fact he's started refusing to go to bed. He's currently sitting outside my bedroom door! Any advice on that one??!! Think we've tried everything!

Good luck to all with their difficult boys! Greatly reassuring to read all the posts.

[Littlefish]

Spooly - going back to your original post - I'm not sure why they would be filling in a CAF form.

CAF's should be filled in where there are multiple agencies involved e.g. sppech & language, paediatrician, Physio etc. From what you've said, this isn't the case with your ds.

They are not a report in themselves, but a way of ensuring that all the professionals get together to work with the family and ensure the right support. There are guidelines on timescales as well which should mean that things don't drag on and on.