This is very long, but if anyone has the time, I would appreciate your opinions. Have been trying, and failing,not to worry about this for over a year.

[perpetualworrier]

Last July I wrote the following letter to our GP. DH persuaded me not to send it, but I found a copy today and find that I am still concerned about all the issues.

Dear Dr

RE DS1 age 6 (now 7,yr 2)

I am writing regarding my son, as I have a number of concerns regarding his development. I have decided to refer to you in writing in the first instance, as I am reluctant to discuss these matters in front of him and also, I suspect that I would forget most of what I wanted to say if I came in for an appointment!

Firstly, I am concerned about his motor skills. His reading and verbal communication is excellent and I am advised he is well ahead of the targets for his age group in these areas. However, he is finding writing very difficult and really cannot master the correct pencil grip. He finds it practically impossible to use a knife and fork and things such as buttons are a real challenge for him. He is very reluctant to participate in the usual exercises for improving these skills, such as threading beads, lego etc. and positively refuses to draw or colour. As far as gross motor skills are concerned, although I don't think we have a future sporting star, he can swim, use a two wheel scooter and can throw and catch a ball reasonably well, though he is loath to do so. He is struggling to ride a bike.

My second concern is his social development, as he somehow seems a little out of kilter with his peers. He can converse well with adults, if a little shyly at first. He is often described as friendly by other adults and if we visit friends or go to the park etc, will always find someone to play with and they will play well together. However, he does not seem to have certain friends who are important to him. He likes to go to places where there will be other children to play with, but does not seem to care who they are. At school he has attached himself (the SENCO's words) to two girls who are academically far below him and not at all articulate. At Beavers his best friend has learning difficulties and amongst my friends? children, by far his favourite is a boy with a severe speech delay. Whilst these are all lovely children and I am not at all surprised that he likes to play with them, I and his teachers are surprised that he does not also play with children who are as lucid as he is.

He also has a few idiosyncrasies in behaviour; he dribbles a lot, makes loud screeching noises in the course of his play and laughs loudly in a way that sounds forced. He doesn?t seem to engage in imaginative play in the way that his younger brother does. He has a strong dislike for any show of affection. If another child puts an arm around him, he looks horrified, he pushes away goodnight kisses from his parents and would have to be badly hurt before he wanted a cuddle, although is calmed by a cuddle in that circumstance. He does however, like to hold hands if we are out for a walk.

This all sounds very negative and this is not at all the way I feel about my son. He is very happy, always goes to school and comes home again with a smile on his face. He fully participates in games at Beavers and the Church Kids Club he goes to. We have no issues regarding bad behaviour and other adults we meet often tell me what a lovely child he is. He eats and sleeps well.

I don?t really believe that there is anything seriously wrong, but the school have raised concerns regarding his lack of progress in writing, in comparison to his clearly apparent intelligence. I have also had complaints from the school regarding inattentiveness. I just don?t want to be in a position in a few years time, where I am told I should have asked for help for him sooner.

I appreciate that you are not going to make any diagnosis without seeing him, but would value your advice on what, if anything, I should do next.

Yours PW

The only thing that has changed, is that he has now formed friendships with 1 boy and 1 girl with similar communication abilities to him. I still find his concentration a challenge, although his teacher doesn't - I suspect this is because she is a better than last year's.

Thank you if you got to the end. Does anyone have any advice.

[LooMoo]

If you are really very concerned please speak to your GP and get a referral to a specialist (and if you don't rate the first person you see, ask to see someone else).

From the sound of it there's nothing 'wrong' with your son whatsoever but the aversion to physical contact and clumsiness with buttons etc points to him being towards one end of a spectrum (the other end being an extremely clingy child who doesn't 'get' maths perhaps). There is no such thing as 'normal', only shades of grey and we all learn things at different speeds.

It's hard to weigh up the possible advantages of intervention versus the danger of labelling him forevermore as 'different'; if he's happy and his results at school reflect his natural ability, then maybe put a date in the diary to start thinking about all this again in a year's time and give yourself some time off worrying (easier said than done I know).

[dramaqueen]

perpetualworrier, I saw our GP today about ds, who agreed that it sounded as if he had dyspraxia. She has referred him to the community paediatrician and we have an appointment on 5th June. She was very understanding (though I did cry at one point, which I always do ) and understood my concerns. It was nice to talk it through with someone, actually.

Have you sent your letter yet? I also picked a GP at our surgery who I knew would not fob me off, as they have done before. There is help ds could have now to stop him falling behind, so I am going to get it one way or another. It is secondary school which conerns me more, so I want everything in place and working before then.

[selee]

I have being thinking about your son and your post, since my previous post and think you should try not to worry and I tend to agree with your husband in that your son is doing fine and there are just variations to all children. Your son sounds very special and a gorgeous boy!
(DH is a GP and I did show him your first post)

[LIZS]

There isn't a one size fits all pattern to dypsraxia or indeed many such issues. ds is very erratic for example, in some areas he is fine in others he performs miserably. We've had differing opinions as to him having low muscle tone , hyperflexible joints and core stability issues and the degree to which this could affect him. At his last appointment the OT thought his drawing skills were approaching age appropriate (copying shapes and patterns) but on a day to day level they clearly aren't.

[dramaqueen]

Yes, my ds does jigsaws, k'nex etc so that part of it doesn't fit.

What I did read tough suggests that they improve with age (and with help) and has made me far more patient towards him, which has helped the tensions in our house. It's as if he takes in what I say but does not think I need a response. I think the help I am looking for is to do with him finding ways of coping with his areas of weakness, and also buildign his confidence which has taken a knock at school.

I am also seriously thinking of pulling him out of school in september for a year.

[perpetualworrier]

I worry and worry and then he does something that makes me think there can't be much wrong. He's happily making a 300 piece jigsaw at the moment. Has called for some help, but most of the border is done!

[LIZS]

I doubt it would be covered . We had private medical insurance abroad and they would n't cover ds' OT despite a peadiatrician's letter. Also once you are perceived to be in the private domain you may find any NHS help dries up .

[perpetualworrier]

Thanks dramaqueen. I have been deliberately avoiding websites, as I know I can read too much into a list of symptoms, but I too can apply most of that list to Ds. Also, a lot of the 3-5 yo list still applies.

[dramaqueen]

PW, I understand your concerns about your ds. I have made an appointment with our GP to discuss our ds's development. He has many of the issues that your ds has - handwriting, choosing to play with younger 'easier' children, holding a knife and fork, riding a bike etc.

I found this website here. If you scroll down to the "by 7 years old" bit, I can tick all but one for my ds. I am not sure what I want the docs to do, probably just get the teachers at school off his back for being messy, dreamy and slow.

[perpetualworrier]

OK, so I need to contact the GP, will probably send the letter, as I already have it drafted.

Now a completely mercenary question. Dh starts a new job on Monday and for the first time, we will have private medical cover. Should I wait until that's all in place, just in case we need it, i.e may not cover an existing problem, or is this type of problem not typically covered by medical insurance?

[cocolepew]

Don't worry too much about starting something you can control/stop. You'll still be in charge. My dd was refered to speech therapist, physio and ot through my GP. We didn't need to see a ed psych.

[LIZS]

Send it . If you do at least you either have your worries registered and reviiewed or progress down the assessment route which could take a while anyway. Present any tests to ds in a positive way and he'll be fine.

[piratecat]

Don't be worried, just go with your gut instinct. The medical road, doesn't have to be invasive in your life.

The paediatricians (sp) I have dealt with have always been informative and kind. It will be better to go to a kids doctor, and have a chat, thats all it would be.

Then from that you will have more of an idea, and you can ease your mind a bit.

[WanderingTrolley]

I thought dyspraxia from your OP too.

I think you should send the letter - it's great that things are improving now, but if he does have dyspraxia or any learning problem, then it might be years from now that it becomes really difficult for him, eg at secondary school level. If you get a diagnosis now, you might avoid problems in the future, forewarned and all that.

I think your GP is the right person to write to - you could always cc the HV, or end the letter asking how you would go about a referral to an ed. psych. And I think it's a good idea to let the school know - the remit of an ed psych is not solely what affects a child in school - that's not the only place children learn.

Your ds sounds lovely, btw, and I think your letter comes across as being a very honest and neutral appraisal of your ds.

[fireflytoo]

I also don't think you should avoid having this checked out because yo feel your child would not have "real" SN. Many things like dyslexia, dyspraxia etc come in many levels of severity. If you can identify that your ds does have some - even mild expression of dyspraxia for expample - you can start by helping him deal with it from a young age in a fun and supportive way... rather than wait for him to develop coping strategies (which I have seen too often in school). These are often quite hard to unlearn and very often involve avoidance strategies. I have also seen that these are often most serious in the so called bright students.

Saying all that you may find that he really is only developing differently...but as several people have said... it does not hurt to try and find out and he does not have to experience the tests as judgement. I believe all humans have these conditions to some extent. They just manifest more strongly in some people.

[anchovies]

I think you have to do something if it is worrying you. There is no problem in asking the question, knowledge is power whether or not there is something wrong. A year is a long time to have had these concerns and not be reassured.

[TinySocks]

You have to trust your instincts. I would try and get help for your DS.

Regarding your worries:

"1) DH tells me I worry too much (which is is true) and he's not concerned. Is happy to let DS1 be himself and accept the fact that he has some things which make him different (special? ) "

Sometimes Dads and extended family tend to brush off worries, this is very common. Your DH is not doing your son any favours by not getting him the help he needs.

"2)If there are problems, they are minor (in relation to children with "real" SN) so unlikely to be any real support available?"

It doesn't matter how minor they are, these problems are likely to have an impact on his future. If they are minor then it means he will need very little help to get things sorted, but he still needs help, the problems won't just disappear.

"3)In order to get any diagnosis, presumably, I will have to subject him to a number of tests designed to highlight his "shortcomings". He is a very confident boy ( confident in his own ability, if not outgoing) and I don't want to do anything to damage this."

I don't know how the system works in the UK, but my niece (who lives in a different country), had some similar issues at school, there was no diagnosis involved, just some excercises from an educational psychologist and she is perfect now. If he is having trouble with his motor skills then this could hinder his confidence eventually more than having some tests done now.

"4)Social side of things has improved a lot this school year."

That is great news, but what about the other areas that he has trouble with.

[madamez]

I would also be worried about this tendency to medicalise difference and enforce conformity. Why is it anyone else's business if he doesn't have 'best' friends? He's not kicking and biting all the other kids constantly and he's capable of friendly interaction: his emotions are surely his own business. Some people are just more reserved and self-contained than others, which is not a bad thing.
It might be worth getting the writing issue looked at as that may prove a problem later, but as to the rest of it he sounds fine.

[NotABanana]

The thing is, if he does have additional needs seeing the GP will start you on the road to helping him and you all understand them and what he might need to help him live his life to the full.

You have worried about this for a year and you clearly need to do something for your peace of mind if nothing else.

[perpetualworrier]

See Janni, that's what I'm concerned about. "medicalising" Great word!

He is clearly a bit "different" but I'm not comfortable with the way that has to be a problem. That said, I will feel terrible if it turns out there is a real problem he could have bee helped with and I left it too late.

[selee]

He sounds a lovely little churub. If you are worried then go back to the school and have another discussion....? I really am not sure what to suggest sorry!

[Janni]

Hmm

I'm not a t all sure this is a matter for the G.P. It doesn't, to me, sound like there is anything 'medically' wrong with your DS. He is, perhaps, a late developer in some areas, but is doing fine in others.

I would watch and see. I would talk to his teachers and the Head if you are really concerned. I would avoid 'medicalising' any of this.

He sounds like a really lovely little boy

[luckylady74]

In my experience schools are pleased when parents start the ball rolling because they are paid more attention than teachers - this from my friends who are both primary teachers.
My dswas dx before he started school with aspergers.My ds1 has some things in commen with your ds and like yours has improved dramaically over the past yr or so eg when he started in reception he'd never spoken to another child,now he has 'friends' and his speech is less grammatically confused.
His dxhas meant an acceptance, inclusion and support from the school that I don't thinkwould have happened so easily without it.
I truely believe information is power - how can you help if you don't know the problem, or if indeed there is actually a problem in the first place?

[callmeovercautious]

I suggest you and DH go to the GP and leave DS with a friend. Take the letter with you and use it as a crib sheet - and leave a copy with the GP.

I have found that by writing things down before I go I make sure I cover all my concerns and don't get so worried about how much time I am taking up.

Your DS sounds like a really lovely Child in so many ways, I really hope it is just a personality trait that he will manage in his own time

[NotABanana]

Don't worry about the school. This is your child, not theirs.

Send the letter.

My DD was left for months as the GP kept saying all was well and I so wanted to believe him but I just couldn't shake this fear. I just wish someone had suggested I get a second opinion.

We ended up going to Harley Street and she is all fine now. Hers was a physical problem.