2.5yr old toddler meltdown during bedtime/naptime routine

[SunflowerYellowMum]

Really struggling here & feel like i’m failing.
It’s a long one & i’m sorry in advance!

My boy is 2.5yrs, has usually been a happy, caring, kind boy & fairly good sleeper… but come January this year it has all gone to pot. I thought it was a phase, maybe separation anxiety, a growth spurt, developmental leap just something to explain it but it’s been 4 months now and it hasn’t got any better.

He will quite literally scream, cry, shout, runaway, full on ‘devil has possessed him’ at bedtime or nap time with nothing is making it any easier. It’s mainly the getting him into bed & ready for bed part, the whole bedtime/nap time routine leading up to bed. Once he is in bed & I finally manage to leave the room he seems to accept it & will lay down to go to sleep but to actually get him out of his clothes into pj’s and sleeping bag or into the bath it’s an absolute nightmare, even if I just say ‘its bedtime/bathtime’. I’ve tried sticking to his routine, i’ve tried sticking to it but switching up the order, nightlights, timers/countdowns, books, have him involved (take clothes off himself/ help run bath ect some independence), limited screentime, no screentime, ensuring he isn’t too over or under stimulated, fresh air all day, just a day at home, if we are going out that afternoon/next day i’ve tried ‘do you want to see xxx? We need 1 more sleep to see them’, it all either seems to work once then never again or not at all.
For the actual meltdowns i’ve tried letting him get it all out (I will always be at his level ready for a hug if he needs it) i’ve tried talking to him, anything you can think of i’ve tried, a lot of the time he will shout ‘No!’ At me whatever it is i’m trying. He is still understanding his emotions which I get completely & i’m trying to help him understand too, we have not long gone through the ‘i’m sad’ phase all the time and now he seems to be figuring out his anger which I completely understand but if I try to implement techniques for him (smell the flowers blow the candle technique or counting to 10 that type of thing) he isn’t interested regardless if I practice them during a meltdown or even when he is happy. He has a calming corner which he seems interested in (especially if I use one of his toys to talk to him about his emotions) but as soon as I say ‘ok so lets go xxx’ he loses it again.

As much as I have tried to avoid it the fight every single time has become part of his bedtime routine & I’m exhausted. I’m trying so hard for him not to have a negative association with going to bed & sleeping but i’m really struggling. My husband doesn’t have as much patience as me & not long into it he gives up and walks off & I do tend to do it alone, but we have also noticed he seems to play up more when my husband is around compared to me (not just in a sleep setting but all settings) which I think is more of a boundary situation with my husband and him.
Like many others, I don’t have a village, never have done & I tend to just get on and we work through it, he is my absolute world & I know I am very lucky with him and we have a close bond, but 4 months into this situation & I feel like i’m drowning with this one.

His best friend (who is 1 day apart) doesn’t seem to be having any issues at all, she seems to be thriving, her mum never mentions anything at all, which makes me feel even more so like i’m failing & i’m doing something wrong. Everyone used to say he was such a happy baby & I would see too he was thriving now since the ‘i’m sad’ phase & then this I feel like we are just surviving 😔 I don’t want this frustration he has to start spilling into playtime too.

Is it a phase, will this all pass or have I somehow created a monster who just hates the idea of sleeping.

[RomeoRivers]

Tonie box

If you put your pyjamas on, brush your teeth etc nicely, then you can choose something to listen to on the Tonie box, if you’re not quick enough then you won’t have time. Set alarm if it helps, make it a game: ‘Quick, quick, we’ve got 3 minutes left to brush our teeth to have the Tonie box’. ‘I bet you can’t put your pyjamas on before my egg timer runs out.’

Maybe drop the daytime nap.

[Justus6]

What time is bed time? Could be over tires my wee girl is like that when she's too tired could you maybe drop a nap and ale bedtime earlier.

[TakeMeToTheDarkSideOfTheMoon]

Please join The Beyond Sleep Training Project group on Facebook.

You haven't created a monster at all, I also wouldn't compare to others as they are all individuals.

[Noseybookworm]

First of all don't beat yourself up, you're not doing anything wrong! And don't compare your little one to your friend's daughter, they all have different challenges at different ages. 2.5 is a prime age for tantrums, he is asserting his independence and that's completely normal. You can second guess yourself, thinking he's overtired, overstimulated etc etc but it's far more likely that this is just a phase. Don't show your impatience or frustration and stay calm. Wizz through the bedtime routine and get him into bed as quickly as possible if he actually does sleep once he's there. You can cut short stories etc and just say if you're screaming/shouting/running off then we won't have a story. Just remember this will pass so grit your teeth and be firm but calm. Don't overthink it, you'll drive yourself mad!

[SunflowerYellowMum]

@RomeoRivers I have been thinking of getting a Tonie box tbh, I just didn't know if it will be another excuse for him to delay bedtime even more 🫣 but definitely something i'm thinking of.

@RomeoRivers @Justus6
He is at the funny in-between stage for his nap, it's as if he doesn't need it but at the same time he does because he wont last until bedtime. And as soon as he is in bed for his nap & actually settles he is fast asleep most of the time. I usually don't let him sleep for longer than an hour/1.15 no later than 2pm. I start his bath time at 6.45pm to be done & in bed for 7.20pm but sometimes he doesn't fall asleep for another hour or so.

It doesn't help my husband doesn't get home from work until 7pm so it's like a whole new burst of energy he gets from him coming home, if I do bedtime earlier he isn't tired

[SunflowerYellowMum]

@TakeMeToTheDarkSideOfTheMoon thank you, i'll have a look at this 🤎

[SunflowerYellowMum]

@Noseybookworm thank you, you're so kind 🥺
Tbh I am an overthinker & criticise myself a lot I think especially when it comes to him.
I really try & let him do a lot of things himself so he has that independence even though out the day which I thought would make him more willing to participate in bedtime.

I try & do the routine as quickly as possible to avoid stumbling into any tantrums, we used to do so much in the routine but not now & I always feel guilty because i'm rushing him. Doesn't help I once saw something which said 'a rushed toddler is an anxious toddler' which has stuck with me so I suppose all that overthinking is just coming back again as I don't want to make him anxious 🙈

[Noseybookworm]

@SunflowerYellowMum

@Noseybookworm thank you, you're so kind 🥺
Tbh I am an overthinker & criticise myself a lot I think especially when it comes to him.
I really try & let him do a lot of things himself so he has that independence even though out the day which I thought would make him more willing to participate in bedtime.

I try & do the routine as quickly as possible to avoid stumbling into any tantrums, we used to do so much in the routine but not now & I always feel guilty because i'm rushing him. Doesn't help I once saw something which said 'a rushed toddler is an anxious toddler' which has stuck with me so I suppose all that overthinking is just coming back again as I don't want to make him anxious 🙈

Bless you, you're doing a great job honestly! It's totally normal to have tantrums at this age so try not to worry. You won't make him anxious by whizzing through the bedtime routine, no point in dragging it out if it's stressful. I'm sure he gets lots of cuddles and fun and stories during the day! Once he's through this phase, you can enjoy bedtime stories and cuddles again ☺️

[Canthelpmyselffromjoiningin]

Its probably age and stage, my now 4yo went through a stage of trying to refuse sleep, it was really annoying but the thing that worked best both for settling him and for my sanity was ignoring the madness and boring him to sleep. No toys in the bedroom, stairgate on doorway, me not engaging but being there for cuddles if he would lie down.
What leaps out to me in your post is "once I leave the room he lays down and goes to sleep". Could you make the actual bedtime something to look forward to. My 2yo is a bit of a pain for getting pyjamas on etc as he likes to run around, but if I ignore the madness it's less of a game and he'll ask for jamas if I don't chase him. We've never done bath straight before bed as it's too hard work. Both my DC (2+4) quite like bedtime as we cuddle and read stories till they fall asleep. The stories are also a nice habit stack, the DC expect to fall asleep, I try to read the same stories most nights, I can see their eyes going once I'm 4 or 5 sentences into the story, tbh I'm so habit stacked myself I start to fall asleep halfway through tyrannosaurus drip 🤣

[SunflowerYellowMum]

@Noseybookworm thanks so much, you're right 💛

[SunflowerYellowMum]

@Canthelpmyselffromjoiningin

Its probably age and stage, my now 4yo went through a stage of trying to refuse sleep, it was really annoying but the thing that worked best both for settling him and for my sanity was ignoring the madness and boring him to sleep. No toys in the bedroom, stairgate on doorway, me not engaging but being there for cuddles if he would lie down.
What leaps out to me in your post is "once I leave the room he lays down and goes to sleep". Could you make the actual bedtime something to look forward to. My 2yo is a bit of a pain for getting pyjamas on etc as he likes to run around, but if I ignore the madness it's less of a game and he'll ask for jamas if I don't chase him. We've never done bath straight before bed as it's too hard work. Both my DC (2+4) quite like bedtime as we cuddle and read stories till they fall asleep. The stories are also a nice habit stack, the DC expect to fall asleep, I try to read the same stories most nights, I can see their eyes going once I'm 4 or 5 sentences into the story, tbh I'm so habit stacked myself I start to fall asleep halfway through tyrannosaurus drip 🤣

I think I found something last night that he now looks forward to, I found the teeth brushing Mickey Mouse app with Oral B (he was ok brushing his teeth before the problem was he wouldn't stop brushing his teeth as he knew it would be the next stage of getting ready for bed) so he looks forward to that, plus I drew a few pictures of his routine out & he stamped them as we went along which he was really excited for each stage so i'm hoping 🤞🏼 this will stick & he will continue to enjoy it (last stage 'get into bed & go to sleep!' 😅

😂 I can imagine falling asleep too while reading to them 🤭 Thank you so much for the advice!

[Nosleeptraininghere]

Sounds like your child is traumatised over bedtime. Most likely because it’s when you leave him alone. My 3 year old certainly would not accept that and that’s why we have never tried it. And why do you need to? Can you not try staying with him and cuddling him?

It also surprises me how many parents have such a lengthy “routine” at such a young age. He’s 2.5 - he won’t understand what is happening. A timer/countdown is just ridiculous if you ask me. You’re confusing the matter.

I’d also drop the nap and bring bedtime earlier. Of course he’s not sleeping at 7:20pn if he’s napping! They all go through the stage of not really needing a nap yet being super tired. Just drop it and bring bedtime earlier. You’ll then find he will be very keen to go to bed and sleep.

[SunflowerYellowMum]

@Nosleeptraininghere

Sounds like your child is traumatised over bedtime. Most likely because it’s when you leave him alone. My 3 year old certainly would not accept that and that’s why we have never tried it. And why do you need to? Can you not try staying with him and cuddling him?

It also surprises me how many parents have such a lengthy “routine” at such a young age. He’s 2.5 - he won’t understand what is happening. A timer/countdown is just ridiculous if you ask me. You’re confusing the matter.

I’d also drop the nap and bring bedtime earlier. Of course he’s not sleeping at 7:20pn if he’s napping! They all go through the stage of not really needing a nap yet being super tired. Just drop it and bring bedtime earlier. You’ll then find he will be very keen to go to bed and sleep.

I think for you to say I have traumatised my son is a bit excessive.
I used to rock my boy to sleep every night until he became too heavy to hold for a long period of time (which broke my heart but he wouldn’t sleep sitting down) after that we started to put him in his bed to fall asleep himself with me there with him until he was comfortable without me. I’m sorry your 3yr old ‘would never’ but he happily done his bedtime routine & went off to bed himself for 16 months without a fuss, it was only the start of this year he started resisting getting ready for bed. If he has ever cried, called out or needed me I have been there. There have been nights I have slept in his bed, on the floor or in with us, he has never gone without comfort or not being responded to or just left alone.

His ‘lengthy routine’ again, is something he has always loved. It is a time we used to wind down, we would talk about his day, say goodnight to his favourite toys/teddies that day & read a book. He understands.
The timer & tidy up sound works in his toddler class for tidy up time, he is also potty trained & the timer worked for his potty training (as he understood the noise meant toilet time. He signalled the interest he wanted to start potty training therefore we went with it) so this is why we thought to incorporate the timer & countdown into bedtime.

Thank you for your advice. Others have suggested nap time too, I will have a look into his nap & see what works 👍🏼