Massive argument with ten year old, feel horrific 😭

[Coralpye]

My 10 year old son has been playing out with friends all day, he was clearly overtired, hangry and downright furious when he finally agreed to come in. I was trying to keep things light as his mood was so precarious and told him I’d run him a nice warm bath that he could get in whilst I cooked him some dinner. This is slightly different to his “usual routine” of dinner then bath so he absolutely lost his s*it. He started screaming at and hitting me (he has struggled with his temper since he was a toddler and last year broke my finger in one of his “rages” it’s something we’ve been working on and honestly he’s worked really hard to learn healthier ways to deal with his emotions but tonight was inevitably going to be tough)
At one point he pushed me against the wall and spat in my face. I became angry then and tried to push him away from me. He’s only a couple of inches shorter than me now and when he’s angry he uses all his strength so I had to shove him harder than I’d ever want to.
he kept coming at me so I grabbed a mug that was on the table near us and threw it, not at him but so that the juice inside splashed on him. It shocked him enough that he backed off for a second but it was like adding fuel to the fire. Understandably because it must have been shocking/terrifying for him to see me losing my cool rather than modelling calm. The more he yelled the more I yelled I eventually just walked away and he went and cried in the garden. After a few minutes I went to him and apologised and so did he. We both cried and tried to talk through our feelings and how things had gotten so out of hand. It’s just the two of us 95% of the time so it can be overwhelming sometimes. I feel sick and disgusted with myself for behaving like that. I don’t think yelling and especially physically pushing children is ever okay even when they’re being hard work. It’s not his fault or his job to regulate me and I failed so badly tonight. I just had to put it out there because frankly I’m ashamed to tell anyone irl. I don’t know how I’m going to cope for much longer tbh.

[toastfairy]

He broke your finger, the thrown cup was clearly a self defence instinct. Don't, as it were, beat yourself up about it.

It may sound crazy at this stage but we used "calm down time" at 1 minute per year of age. Nothing heavy, just sit in a comfy chair and no one bugs you. I'd put on tv or music. Then followed up with "Are you ready to talk about it?" We used it in a really non judgemental way which meant when I lost it I could go ok I've had enough I need half hour calm down time, leave me alone thank you.

[shivawn]

Try not to be too hard on yourself OP. It sounds like such a difficult and overwhelming situation. Us mums are only human too.

[momonpurpose]

Actually I think you handled it better. Honestly he needed a little shock. Be kind to yourself tomorrow is a new day