3 year old - Childminder is worrying me!

[Persephone76]

My son turned 3 in November and my childminder has made me a little concerned about his development.

He can't yet put his own shoes on, although this is partly because his shoes are boot style and quite tight to get on - before he outgrew them he had some shoes that he was learning to put on and he can put wellies on. She was asking me to buy him new shoes so he can learn, but we can't afford new shoes.

He can't take himself to the toilet yet as he can't manage to stand on the stool backwards, take trousers etc down and lower himself. He can go to the potty on his own.

He can't draw a stick man properly yet - he can do a circle and a straight line downwards and 2 eyes. This is apparently behind?

He still holds his spoon more in his fist than like a pen, although he can do it if I prompt him.

She's always saying "He won't be able to do this at school....", though he won't start until Sept 2018 so he has plenty of time.

Is he behind?! He's always been a little slower at the physical side of things, didn't crawl properly until 11 months, walked at 15 months, when he runs he flails his arms and he's generally a laid back little chap who needs a lot of encouragement as he is prone to let us do it all. He's very very chatty and has a great imagination and memory, knows all his colours, can count and knows lots of letters. "Reads" his books to himself and is interested in learning to read. Very curious about the world around him. But is he physically behind? Most days when I go to pick him up I get a lecture from the childminder (today's was the stickmen and how I need to be doing more at home with him) and she makes me worry that he's behind and I'm a crap mother/it's my fault. Does he sound normal?

[ChocolateStarBiscuits]

I am a CM and would never say any of that!

My own DS only toilet trained at 3yrs 9m and is still lazy and would let you do it all if he can get away with it, but he's doing so well at school and already reading words, writing his name etc and moved up in phonics group already.

[Hissy]

Would an ofsted visit discuss a child's development? She's there to monitor the cm and the setting.

I doubt very much that the ds was discussed, and even so, it's not her remit or business.

[IWantATardis]

Describing a child as "failing" if their development is behind average in a particular area sounds worrying. It does make me wonder if she's viewing the EYFS areas of development far too rigidly when it comes to assessing where a child's development falls on these.

I've had 2 DC in nursery, and while they're assessed against the EYFS areas of development, any areas they've been behind in have never been described as "failing" on anyone's part. It's all been "mini Tardis's development in this area is behind average for his age, here's some ideas for how we can all work together to better support his development".
Even the one or two issues where nursery have said "this bit is so far outside normal that we think you should get mini Tardis checked out by doctors / physiotherapists" haven't been described as failing.

[Persephone76]

Thanks for all your replies. I think she is using the EY framework as a very blunt instrument. I remember when he was c. 11 months and not yet cruising, she received a visit from Ofsted (not formal inspection) who she says told her my son was behind as he was not cruising. I should say that english is our childminder's second language and I wonder whether a) she is "translating" things in a blunt way and b) communicating them to me in a very black and white way. She described his 10 month (or was it 12 month) as him having "failed" it. But I know she genuinely meant no malice by saying this.

She used to do a learning journey style thing but it seems have gone by the way side. What it feels like is that she almost views the box ticking of the developmental checks as a checklist to reflect on her - so if he "fails", she is failing as a childminder and therefore she is taking out that anxiety out on me and my son. I'm now reassured that he is developing normally and I think I'm going to have to sit down and have a serious chat with her the next time she raises a developmental issue. To be fair to her, she does do things to address what she sees as areas that are lacking - e.g. getting him to draw, encouraging him with shoes etc.

I feel quite strongly that a 3 year old should not be pushed to conform to a checklist, should be gently encouraged and allowed to develop at their own pace. I'm going to have to explicitly say that - the language barrier does make it harder I think.

[catkind]

Gosh, DS had only just started PT at that age, and didn't draw a darn thing or hold a pencil properly till around the beginning of reception.

CM sounds a bit confused about it all. Might be worth both of you going through the EYFS Development Matters document together at some point, I think you'll find he is ticking off the 22-36 month things and well into the 30-50 month range. As she's a new CM I think it's worth making it clear that you don't want or need the lectures, it's lovely that she's trying to support his development but she shouldn't be putting pressure on you, and that makes me worry she may be communicating the pressure to your DS too.

Something our (amazing) CM used to do was have a communication book where she'd note little observations and next steps relating to EYFS areas. I guess this was her equivalent of a Learning Journal, but as it came home every day it also served to do that communicating of what she was working on with them. The next steps were always things for her to do not us. And certainly no pressuring them to do things they're not yet ready for. But I wonder if something in writing like that might be good for your CM then she can communicate what she's working on with him in a positive way and without coming across as blaming you or lecturing you.

The toilet with a step thing sounds like a total red herring when it comes to school. He won't be needing a step by then. (Will he? It never occured to me to offer DD's reception friends a step in the bathroom!) Perhaps you could suggest she gets him to use the potty for now so he can do it independently.

[chipsandchilli]

My DD and her cousin are in the same school year but there's a 10 month difference, dd being the younger. I was amazed at the difference in them physically when they were 3ish. DD's got 2 older siblings and would play in the lane with friend's in the summer. What struck me was they got out the car, DNeph had to be helped, dd jumped out, they got to some stairs and dd ran down them, DN wanted to hold my hand and struggled down the steps. Playing together DD was a lot more confident. A few years later and he has caught up, is on the footie team etc. I just think DD was put into situation's playing out with siblings and friends which made her a lot more confident physically then DN caught up as he went to kids groups and preschool. DD picked up her sister's huge 2 wheeler BMX bike and rode away on it, she didn't have to learn, the other two it took them weeks to learn and so did DN.

Don't worry about it, he's only 3, sounds like she's comparing him to her DC, they might do more physical activities or groups and have each other to play with.

[Ohdearducks]

By the way from what you've said your son sounds like he's doing great, I'm just trying to fathom where she's getting these ideas from, because it doesn't sound like she's following the EYFS.

[Ohdearducks]

Sorry my grammar is terrible! I'm so tired 😴 can't seem to form a legible sentence tonight!

[Ohdearducks]

I'd be interested to see the learning journey/profile she's keeping on him aswell as the tracking against the EYFS, in any case she's being very, very negative about him which concerns me. What is she Doing in her setting to support his development within her setting? If I have concerns about a child's development devise activities and learning opportunities to support and challenge the child, to help them and share that information and tips for parents to help at home, it's very much a joint effort rather than telling a parent 'your child can't do this or that', and expecting them to just fix the problem themselves.
Has she completed his two year check with you? Assuming he was with her when he was 2? has there been any feedback from the HV 2 year check?

[IWantATardis]

Sounds similar to my 3 yr old.

Can't manage to put shoes on properly but can manage wellies.

Can't manage a full size toilet unaided but is fine with a potty. He can manage the miniature child toilets at nursery fine though he still has occasional accidents. I believe the pupil toilets in infant schools are usually miniature ones too.

Drawings still tend to be more like a cloud of scribbles than anything even faintly resembling a stick man.

Fine with a spoon.

Only letter he knows is the one at the start of his name.

Nursery seem to think he's within normal development ranges for all the above.

[Ames33]

My little one also has many jobs that distract him from all the boring stuff he has to learn. He is currently Spider-Man/ninja/fireman/pirate/some superhero that can shot ice/sometimes a mummy.
As you can see, this keeps him very busy!
Your childminder needs to just let him be a 3 year old!!

[Hissy]

Please find another childminder, she's really not very nice, and isn't going to be able to provide a safe, healthy caring environment for your (totally normal) ds.

[amazonianwoman]

Oops repetition on the potty training! He really did take a while!!

[amazonianwoman]

My son didn't walk until he was 17 mths, couldn't write his name or colour in without making holes in the paper when he started reception, took ages to potty train, still hates drawing, was late to potty train... and has been told he should have no problem passing the entrance exam to one of the country's best state grammar schools this year.

Not to boast, just that they develop at different rates. Don't let your childminder make you feel inadequate, I'm sure he's doing fine

[MistyMinge]

All sounds completely normal to me.

I would say my 4yr old DS was exactly the same at that age. In fact some things he still is. I have no concerns and none have been flagged to me by his nursery. He will start school this year though, so I'm going to concentrate on a few areas.

[Lindy2]

Oh, and forcing him to draw stickmen to someone elses specific standard is very likely going to put him off drawing altogether. Just let him use his imagination and draw/scribble what he wants and when he wants. That is how a 3 year old learns best!

[Ames33]

My child is 3.5 and definitely can't do shoes, go to the toilet (as he refuses to potty train!) or draw a stick man!! I'm lucky if he draws a squiggly line and calls it a snake!!

[Lindy2]

I'm a childminder and your son sounds absolutely fine. There is definitely no stick man check tick box in development goals.
All children learn at different rates. Your son is only just 3 and is toilet trained, can draw/mark make to form recognisable shapes, can put on his own wellies, can feed himself - all that sounds absolutely fine and normal. He sounds like he is doing well in fact.
I wouldn't be buying different shoes for him (summer shoes might be easier anyway when the weather is better) or changing what you do at home. I would be asking the childminder to stop pushing and allow him to play and develop at his own rate. All learning should be play based at this age and very relaxed.
I aim for children to be school ready for when they start reception. Some of these main areas are using a school toilet independently (reception toilets are often child sized so no need for a step), taking school shoes on and off, putting own coat on and off, managing most of changing for PE, using cutlery for eating, having 5 minutes + of concentration, recognising own name written down. Recognising letters, writing own name etc are just nice extras.
Your son has nearly 2 years to go before he starts school. He sounds like he will have no problem being ready.

[FatOldBag]

Ofsted tell childminders they have to do this, they even have a framework to measure progress against. When ofsted visit she'll have to show she's doing it, otherwise she won't get a good ofsted rating. Just nod along and ignore it.

[nuttyknitter]

My DGD is the same age. I have a background in early years education and am confident that she has reached a number of milestones quite early but she sounds just like your DS OP. Your childminder has very unrealistic expectations of the normal range of development.

[glenthebattleostrich]

I'm a childminder and wouldn't be too concerned.

Your son sounds normal.

The toilet thing, lots of children struggle with coordinating steps and getting clothes down, solved this by leaving a potty by the loo and a wide IKEA step.

Shoes, every kid tries it on over something. I have a 3 year old who regularly claims to be unable to put on wellies. He'll get used to them.

Pencil grip she should be encouraging the tripod grip but again it should be emerging, which it sounds like it is. Drawing, they do it when they do it but enclosing a circle and adding lines is fine.

She sounds inexperienced and needs reminded that children develop differently. If he is needing a little extra support in some areas she needs to find ways to give that and help him develop his independence.

[MrsNuckyThompson]

My nearly 4 year old can't draw a stick man and can't reliably get his shoes on. He's very articulate with an extensive vocabulary and I don't think there's anything wrong with him.

Your CM sound like a bit of an ass and also quite insensitive.

[lorelairoryemily]

My niece wasn't potty trained til she was 4&1/2, he sounds totally normal, he'll get there in his own time, my friends ds is 4 days younger than mine, last time we saw them her ds was crawling mine wasn't, my ds is babbling, mama dada baba hiya and has 9 teeth, her ds had no teeth and wasn't trying to talk, they could both hold and slightly throw a ball, they were 8 months. Every child reaches every milestone in their own time😊 don't worry!!

[Persephone76]

Lovelillies Thank you! They're all so different aren't they? I hate the rush for perfection and the pushiness