Help! Bed time is a nightmare

[GillL]

I'm hoping someone can tell me there's light at the end of the tunnel. My dd is 22 months and goes through phases of being a complete nightmare at bed time. When she's being good it only takes up to 30 minutes to get her to go to sleep at night. When she's being bad it can take up to 3 hours to get her to go to sleep. We can't leave the room because she will scream and scream and make herself sick within a few minutes. So, we have to stay with her and say 'lay down' and 'stop that' the whole time. DH and I take it in turns to sit with her because she winds us up the whole time.

She's still in our room but will be going in her own room in a couple of months time (dh finally has the incentive to decorate now the next one is on the way). I'm hoping she'll be much better because we're going to be turning her cot bed in to a bed. Has anyone had any success with doing this? Another question I have about putting her in her own room is should make a complete change and make her have her milk before she goes to bed? She seems to use it as a comforter?

Sorry for the long post. I'm really reaching the end of my tether.

[GillL]

Well I thought we were getting somewhere but last night was a complete disaster. Dd didn't sleep at mum's again so she went to sleep in the car and wouldn't wake up. We put her to bed and I went to bed cos I had a really bad headache. She then woke up about 11pm and didn't go back to sleep until 4am! It was a nightmare. Neither dh or I got more than 5 hours sleep. It was typical that she still woke up at 6.30 this morning. It's just so frustrating that she won't sleep in the day at mum's. She won't sleep at home either so I have to take her out for a walk or drive. I'm going to speak to mum tomorrow and ask her if she can leave early for school and walk round the block a few times to try to get dd to sleep. I just won't be able to cope otherwise. We both got really upset and angry with her last night and I ended up in tears. I really hope we can get this sorted out soon.

[slim22]

Persevere.
Same routine, day in day out and in a couple of weeks thing should settle.
We've just comme back from a 2 week holiday and it's very difficult to get back to normal, but routine is the only solution.
hugs

[GillL]

Thanks Slim22. It's very tempting to give up but I'm not going to. Saturday night we followed the routine and dd was so tired she was asleep within 10 minutes but Sunday night she was awake until 11pm (with the routine). I will definitely persevere, otherwise it will just get worse especially when the new baby arrives.

[donnie]

this does sound very difficult but as others have said the routine is the key, as is perseverance. Controlled crying works for some but not others - have you tried it? also, does she take a dummy? that could help.

good luck.

[GillL]

Hi donnie. We've tried controlled crying but it was hell. Several days in a row she made herself sick within a few minutes of us leaving the room and I just couldn't cope with it. She seems to have the capacity to scream for hours (5 is the record). She's had a dummy almost since birth but when she's really upset she throws it away.

[slim22]

seems like control crying is a technique my husband should use on me some nights.............
hang in there mamas!

[sunnysideup]

Gill, my ds could also be sick through crying, some kids do seem to be prone to this and it does really mean that controlled crying is more trouble than it's worth.

I think you're doing really well, keep up with the predictable bedtime routine, bath, milk, stories, bed, or whichever way round you're doing things....

and dn't feel there's a 'right' way for your dd to be settled. Our ds hated being left so basically until he was 3 we did the bedtime routine then we stayed with him, I used to sit next to his cot and close my eyes so that he knew there was no interaction, but he had the security of my presence. It worked wonderfully for ages....then he started waking and wanting me back, which is when we decided to change things and say that I would stay with him for a minute; then I would come back and check on him in 1 minute. He was fine as long as he knew I was coming back.

What I mean is, do what works....I know you were staying with her but even the interaction of 'lay down' 'stop it' etc, is enough! If she doesn't lay down, you go away! If she lays down, you stay with her, but you close your eyes and do not interact. If she does stuff you don't like, you go away etc etc etc. There are loads of ways round things....but keeping it routine is the key to it all! Good luck x

[donnie]

hope it goes better tonight GillL, keep us posted.It sounds like perhaps she would sleep better at night if she had some quality sleep during the day? my dd2 always sleeps better ( she is also 22 months) at night if she has had a decent daytime nap.

[donnie]

how did you get on last night GillL??

[slim22]

good morning, waiting to hear from you

[GillL]

Hi everyone. Last night was frustrating. I think I am interacting with her too much and shouldn't respond when she talks to me. Should I even tell her to lay down and go to sleep?

I have to have some interaction because she will ask for milk. She eats very little during the day (sometimes doesn't want dinner) so I can't stop this. I will make sure I don't talk or look at her though.

Another problem I have is that when I get fed up after spending an hour or so upstairs dh takes over and he will take her straight out of the cot and rock her to sleep. I guess that's why she plays me up so much. I really think a 2 year old should be able to put herself to sleep in the cot. I'm going to have to talk to dh about this so our technique is consistent.

Thanks all for your continued support.

[mumfor1standfinaltime]

Sounds like the two of you need to decide which way you are going to put her to bed and stick to it, she is playing the two of you off each other.
I know I wouldn't want to rock my 2 yr old ds to sleep!

we have a set routine which both dh and I follow.
Tea, bath, story, milk and a cuddle, bed. Only time I would sit with him is if he was ill.

[sunnysideup]

oh blimey Gill yes you and dh need to do exactly the same thing otherwise she will never settle!

And you're right, don't interact with her AT ALL after she's been put in her cot and it is sleep time. Tell her if she lays down you will stay with her. As soon as she gets up, you make a real move to go. When she fusses, tell her calmly "lay down then". When she lays you sit down again. If she gets up again, silently go through the same thing, move as if to go. She will very quickly know what she has to do in order to keep you there.

Remember this is where you have the power - she wants you there...so you use this power to encourage her to do what YOU want which is lie down. You hold some cards here!

[GillL]

Thanks. Will speak to dh tonight. I'll let you know how I get on.

[Calliope]

We went through a phase like this with my DD when she was about 18 months. It turns out she didn't need her daytime nap anymore - now at 22 months she mostly gets through the day without a nap and crashes out at 8pm without a fuss, and sleeps nearly 12 hours. If she does have a nap during the afternoon - which only happens if we are in the car - she is much harder to get to sleep in the evenings, often up until 9.30-10ish.

Have you considered that maybe your DD doesn't need a sleep at all during the day anymore? I know it must be hard if you have to drive her home in the early evening - my DD would fall asleep if we did that too. Is there a way you could avoid using the car, maybe walk home instead? Then straight into the bedtime routine when you get home.

Sorry if I'm just over-complicating things!

[GillL]

Hi Calliope. If we're at home and dd doesn't have a nap then she'll crash out at 5 or 6pm and then wake up around midnight. Then she stays awake for hours. Unfortunately it's not possible to walk home as I live about 10 miles away from my mum's house (where dd stays during the day).

[juuule]

Is it absolutely necessary to put her to bed early? Could you lie her down on a settee and let her fall asleep there and then carry her up to her cot?

[GillL]

Update on last night:

I know it's early days but it seems that I might be getting the power back. When dd was in her bath I explained to her that the bedtime rules had changed and that she had to lay down or mummy would go downstairs. She wanted to go in the cot straight away, which is unusual, so I read her story while she was sitting up. Then I told her that she must lay down or I would go downstairs and she said 'no' and layed down straight away. Every time she got up I repeated it. Several times she tested me to see what I would do and I actually got to the bottom of the stairs before she agreed to lay down. At one point she said 'daddy' but I told her that daddy wasn't coming up. She went to sleep after an hour and 20 minutes. I was really pleased.

DH has agreed to follow the same procedure but I think I will do a few more days first. Hopefully after a few days she will get the picture and she will understand what will happen without me even saying anything when she gets up.

[GillL]

Hi Juuule. When she hasn't had a nap during the day she will ask to go to bed around 5 o'clock and will scream if we don't let her.

[sunnysideup]

Gill, wahey! Well done you!

You're right, stick to it for a few nights and then DH could get stuck in as well.....that sounds like real progress, well done

[juuule]

Oh, I see. That's a bit of a tricky one then. From your 9:59 post it sounds like you've found a solution anyway, though Fingers crossed for you.

[donnie]

sounds like you might be onto a solution there, good luck!

[GillL]

Yes, I'm really hoping this technique works. Thanks for the suggestion Sunnysideup.

[sunnysideup]

[GillL]

Update:

Last night went well. Only took an hour for dd to fall asleep and although I threatened several times to leave the room, I didn't have to. She seems to understand the new rules. She didn't even cry once!