Early neglect = major development delay

[JumpandScore]

Friends adopted a little girl 2 years ago. She's now 4yo. Gorgeous smily little thing who had a terrible start. Basically spent her first year in a cot being ignored.

She's doing really well now and no behavioural problems have come to light but she is severely delayed. Speech and motor skills more like a 2yo.

Obviously, her start in life will have caused some problems but I am surprised just how severe they are.

Is this "normal"? It's made me think about how important the early years are and wonder where I went wrong/could have done better with my dc.

[RubberDicky]

I wholeheartedly agree with what others have said about love, basic care (food, warmth, cleaning etc) and interaction with people being the most important things.

I wouldn't worry too much about the lack of baby Einstein. This interesting TEDx discusses neglect vs overstimulation by tv etc

[KittyandTeal]

I currently teach a little boy who has some profound learning/cognitive difficulties and some physical difficulties.

He has been back and forth with questions about global delay, asd, chromosomal deletion. It has now come to light that mum worked very very long hours from 6mo- around 2yo and dad put him in a cot and ignored him.

We're now wondering if this has caused the difficulties he suffers from. I'm dreading someone having the conversation with his mum because she could not be any more caring (dad is now off the scene)

[DeirdreDoo]

I'm surprised the topic of CIO hasn't come up on this thread. Responding to a child who is crying is critical for their wellbeing. It just is. People who ignore their children and then protest that they have no other option are IMO getting it very, very wrong.

[CoteDAzur]

Ffs a baby crying for 5 minutes isn't neglect

[MonsterDeCookie]

For those interested, the book 'Fetal Origins' is quite good and interesting. The conditions the baby encounters in the womb have a huge impact on later life, especially mental health.

[ASAS]

To be clear, what I'm talking about is neglect. As recognised by the law, leaving a child in an empty house, starving a child, beating a child, leaving a child in a dangerous environment.

I'm definitely NOT talking about PND (and high five anyone who got treatment).

[LibrariesGaveUsP0wer]

Whatever your views on CIO it just isn't the same.

It's like the people who tell you your child will have foetal alcohol syndrome if you have one glass of champagne on your birthday.

[AWhistlingWoman]

Sad to say I think that there is some relationship between the two based on my own (limited) reading.

DD2 was extremely poorly when she was born. As a result she spent the first three months of her life in an intensive care unit, two of those on a ventilator. As a result we couldn't touch her with any frequency - she was two weeks old before I held her for the first time. She was 'neglected' in the interest of saving her life but, sadly, I believe that the lack of 'normal' babyhood has resulted in developmental issues that persist to this day. She was sometimes in a great deal of pain and our abilities to comfort her were limited, she didn't vocalise a great deal and remains stoical to this day (recently ignoring a severe uti and an impacted bowel)

I certainly recognise the inability to recognise where the 'outline' of her body is that sharoncarol describes. She still can't. And, obviously, when she did finally get her home we couldn't get enough of hugging her and touching her! My friends used to laugh that she was the baby who was never put down!

Pobspits if it helps at all, I had very anxious pregnancies with DS1 and DD3 (partly as a result of my experiences with DD2!) DS1 is v highly strung and I blamed myself. DD3 is VERY chilled, particularly so as a baby. My heart just went out to you as you described your massive regret - I don't know that we will ever be able to disentangle all the influences that shape our development and personalities. But I do doubt it would ever be down to one factor?

A really interesting book about the the brain's ability to recover (although not one I recommend unreservedly) is Norman Doidge's 'The Brain that Changes Itself' - there have been some recent developments on this front.

[CoteDAzur]

A friend's DS has global developmental delay. She was working full time and her DS was with a babysitter all day. Apparently the babysitter just plonked him in a bouncer and left him in front of music videos on TV They only realized that there was a problem when he was about 3. My friend quit work and is with him 24/7 now and he has specialist care but still is not anywhere near catching up with his peers. I hope it works out better for your friend's DD, OP.

[DeirdreDoo]

Ya, 5 minutes = probably non irreversibly damaging. People sometimes leave children to cry for - well I have seen posts on here in the recent past where they leave them for a couple of hours.

I don't think that's a great idea.

[shutupandshop]

So sad. I can't fathom putting a baby in a cot and ignoring her/him. How? Why?

[P1nkP0ppy]

On a different angle my DS was telling me that he'd read the children from some disadvantaged families can have heard/said up to 30 million less words by the time they're 4 years old than the average child.

There is still so much we don't know about the nurture v nature effect.

[shutupandshop]

Its crossed my mind to try cio with my 3 year old recently! He can be a mare to get to sleep. can't do it

[AWhistlingWoman]

P1nkP0ppy I listened to a very interesting podcast from the team who wrote 'Freakonomics' on the 30 million words research

freakonomics.com/2015/11/19/does-early-education-come-way-too-late-a-new-freakonomics-radio-podcast/

Fascinating and sobering :(

[CoteDAzur]

"Ya, 5 minutes = probably non irreversibly damaging."

That's a crazy thing to say and makes you sound like a nut.

5 minutes of crying damages kids but is "probably" reversible?

Ya, I think not.

[DeirdreDoo]

So focus on that and not the actual point I was making, Cote.

[VagueIdeas]

This thread is really not the place to start grinding one's axe about CIO. You cannot compare that to profound and sustained neglect over a period of months, and frankly I think it's stupid to even try.

AWhistlingWoman - FWIW I was born prematurely some 35 years ago and spent my early months in an incubator. I have no lasting issues (aside from crap eyesight) and so you may find that your DD will catch up in time. Her stoical nature may also be just personality. I'm really not sure intensive care is the same as neglect, because although she may have missed out on cuddles, she would have experienced lots of loving care and attention in other ways. So I don't think you should worry about or regret these things you cannot change

[LibrariesGaveUsP0wer]

What is your point then Deirdre? It's a bit unclear?

[DeirdreDoo]

I'm not trying to compare it. I'm trying to point out that as so many posters have equated ignoring young children (for non specified periods of time) with damage, perhaps people who are considering doing CIO, which is essentially the same thing on a (probably) far smaller scale, should question whether that too causes damage.

I think it's at the thin end of the same wedge. Frankly.

And I use 'probably' in the context Cote referred to as I have no evidence either way.

[DeirdreDoo]

Also I would question whether the (somewhat accepted, especially in certain circles) use of CIO is something that can persuade those who consistently neglect their children in a far worse way, that they are doing something at the perhaps more radical end of 'normal'.

[Lancelottie]

Lack of perfection does not = neglect.

Or if it does, my parenting is frankly buggered.

[LibrariesGaveUsP0wer]

Not all issues have a directly linear relationship though. The 'question' is just that. And given how many adults and older children experienced CIO without apparent ill effects,I am not sure why you are determined to equate the two.

[DeirdreDoo]

And given how many adults and older children experienced CIO without apparent ill effects

Do you have a source for that? I have none for my suggestions.

I'm expressing an opinion, which seemed relevant - if you disagree feel free to ignore it.

[CoteDAzur]

You are comparing some minutes of crying before falling asleep with neglect. Your "point" is nonsense and it is offensive.

[DeirdreDoo]

As I said before, I am talking more about some hours of crying. To whom is the point offensive?