Is son's dancing in public bad behaviour????

[peppajay]

Not sure if this is the right board to post this as we think my son has aspergers - currently under going diagnosis. My son is 6.5 and very different and quirky to other boys his age and to my husband he is a total embarrassment. He absolutely adores dancing and dances day and night. He dances more when he is nervous and scared and also when there is an audience, he has no sense of embarrassment or self awareness. On a Friday night my husband usually takes him to pick my daughter up from youth club, and he loves going with him, it is a 15 min drive there and back and it is a bit of dad and son time in the car where my hubby cant get embarrassed until they get to the hall and then he breaks into a routine in front of all the parents and my hubby detests it constantly apologizes for his terrible behavior. The whole dancing in public thing is a huge issue as DH thinks it should be stopped and shouldn't have gone on this far. I do think he feels nervous around his dad as he knows he doesnt like it but he still does it. They dont spend much time together as my DH finds him and his quirks really hard to deal with, so this is prob the only dad and son time they get. Anyway he has told him several times before that he will not tolerate his dancing when he is with him and tonight he broke into routine at youth club again when his dad had said no- so he is misbehaving by not doing as he is told. He knows that I will tolerate it and knows daddy doesn't like it. DH says it should have been stopped a long time but it is the only way he can feel safe so I feel by stopping it - it is going to cause him so much stress and he really lives and breathes dancing that long term it could be really distressing for him. So is it bad behavior and doing any harm or am I being too soft and it needs to be stopped.

[Noteventhebestdrummer]

I think your DH is being given a raw deal here. He feels embarrassed and he's entitled to feel that, the behaviour is out of the ordinary and he has asked your son not to do it.

Does your son follow instructions about behaviour in school? Does he 'have' to dance in assembly? During maths lessons when they play the countdown music? You're doing him a favour if you encourage him to behave according to his dad's reasonable requests in other places.

And yes, get him dance lessons so he can dance where appropriate!

[sandgrown]

Is DH embarrassed be cannot "control" your son or just old fashioned and thinks dancing is not for boys? My DGS loves to dance but SIL will not hear of him having lessons!

[SoupDragon]

The only time I would say your DH has a point is if your son is actually getting in the way or being noisy in a quiet environment.

[bigbluestars]

pippajay- your son sounds wonderful. There are only a few places where dancing is not appropriate- in school for example while learning. Dancing in most other places is fine.

I have a "happy feet" DD, she lfound it impossible to control her feet when she heard music. I would find her pirrouetting in the corner of M&S.

She is about to take her first professional ballet exam at the age of 14.

Your OH needs to think long and hard. He really needs to get over himself and be proud of his son.

[WhispersOfWickedness]

If you could get DH onto the triple P course, that would be great, I did one and it really gets parents to shift the emphasis from what their child is doing to the influence the parent's own behaviour is having on the child.

[claraschu]

Get your dh to watch Ken Robinson's TED talk on How Schools Kill Creativity. The last five minutes are about dance, and very moving. Really worth watching, and exactly relevant to your situation.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

Sounds like your DH is struggling with the diagnosis process as most do. And mums too tbh.

It definitely is not bad behaviour and he is going to have to change his way of thinking and develop a bit more of a thick skin and not worry about what people are thinking so much. It's not easy though.

[peppajay]

Thanks for all your replies. I think they both find it difficult in each other company my dh wants a quiet obedient little boy to stand by his side but my son for some reason doesn't do often what his dad says he is very compliant at school and with me and he doesn't feel as comfortable with his dad as he doesn't look after him much - he very very rarely dances at school because he luckily he loves school. My dd absolutely loves her dad and would spend every waking moment with him and she is a quiet polite girl at all times with him and is exceptionally compliant as she loves pleasing him whereas my son is himself at all times and doesn't change to how particular people want him to be. My parents won't look after him either because of his eccentricities and because he is very logical and says what he thinks they think he is naughty and plain rude however my auntie adores him and she can take him out on a full shopping trip and to a cafe and with her very few of the eccentricities show and if they do she never ever squanders him for being him!! So I wonder a bit of the dancing thing with his dad is nervousness and also maybe a bit if a wind up as he knows his dad doesn't particularly like him for who he is whereas my dd would certainly not do anything to upset him my sons brain works in a different way!!!

[GaryBaldy]

God peppa your last post is heartbreaking.

DS has ASD. He doesn't dance but has lots of fears and quirks that were v obvious when he was younger. PIL very much struggle to accept him and now have no relationship with him. Their fault, their loss. Don't let that happen to your DS and DH.

Otoh I also have NT DD whose feet don't stop. She doesn't even notice that all of a sudden she's started dancing half the time. She's 11yo so older than your DS and "should" be able to stop dancing but if she's harming no one why would I stop her?

[bigbluestars]

peppa- I think your son is very lucky to have such an amazing Mum like you.

An aside- my dear old Dad was very eccentric. A clever, gentle man, senior manager in a company, but had odd ways. He was as smart as a pin for work, but at weekends liked to dress down, wearing the same old pair of trousers at weekends which he tied up with a piece of rope. Even in his 50s he loved jumping in puddles, walking backwards in the street without warning or break into a dance.

As a teenager I was mortified by his behaviour, always worried what others would think.
Then as I grew I started to see my father for what he was- a brilliant, loving, crazy, funny man. At the age of 18 I decided he was actually rather fabulous.
Nothing made me happier at walking down the high street with my Dad- me looking galm in my high heels him doing the ministry of silly walks. If we met anyone we knew I would flash a large smile - happy that he was my daddy and he would smile too, knowing that he was accepted by me for who he was.

He died two years later- but I am so glad that we had these two brilliant years of having such fun.

Embrace your son, peppa, and fight his corner as you are doing- the world can be a dull dreary place- we need more people like your boy to brighten up our day. As a stranger I would love to see your son burst into dance- it would warm my heart.

[Goldmandra]

You've said he needs to dance to feel safe. The problem isn't that he's being naughty. It's that he doesn't feel safe.

If you have a strategy for calming yourself and you can't do it, the need to do it becomes greater and greater.

If your DH wants him to stop dancing, he needs to stop trying to prevent him from dancing and find another way to engage him.

Alternatively, he could allow your DS to dance for an agreed amount of time after getting out of the car and then perhaps he will feel more able to wait quietly if distracted.

Just make sure that your DH knows there is nothing worse than feeling driven to do something and having to stand around bored and being expected not to do it, especially if you're worried about getting into trouble. Your whole being screams at you to do it!

[Goldmandra]

They could play I spy or thumb wars or maybe take a pen and paper to play hangman or a book to look at together.

[gourd]

Think it is very good if nervous energy or anxiety or even desperation for Dad's attention can be expressed in dance and NOT by tantrums or bad behaviour - i think you should encourage Dad to see how positive the dancing is as opposed to what else his son could be doing to get attention/express anxiety etc. definitely encourage it if its something he enjoys - expressing himself through dance and movement may be easier for him than expressing himself verbally, plus its good exercise!

[gourd]

Agree to some extent about learning to respect quiet places etc & understand natural embarrassment of parent who is possibly a "quiet" person, but this a small child not a pre-teen. Small children are still learning about social mores and what is considered appropriate behaviour in different places- i still think it sounds like hes channeling what has the potential to be quite disruptive energy into something positive.

[Sprinkfest]

If you win the lottery, send your husband to dance lessons.

And rent Billy Elliott while you're at it.

Sorry, not helpful, but he needs to change his approach to being a parent.