Is this standard growing up young boy anger and bad parenting or something more serious?

[summermothering]

I am hoping that someone can help us as we do not know what to do. We think we must have done something wrong with parenting our son as we have a very unhappy situation and he is just 6. Generally:

He always wants to get his own way (probably not that uncommon in young children). If he does not get what he wants he kicks off quite a lot of the time very quickly.

He often refuses to do what he is told. We ask nicely and then when ignored several times we have to demand and he still often will not do as he is told.

Maybe most worryingly he equates getting what he wants to love. Conversely he believes that if he does not get what he want you hate him. So very quickly we will be told "you don't love me, "you never loved me" or " I wish I could just run away" with violent tears etc.

He is very very sensitive. He hates being told off or criticised at all - even if we said something like that was good but that [fill in the gap] could be improved he would see this as criticism and would kick off and then say that we were not being nice. One bad thing in his eyes will ruin an entire day of good things.

He is always looking for attention and seems incapable of amusing himself at all. We spend loads and loads of time with him doing all sorts of activities but it never seems to be enough.

He hates supposed injustice. So if he plays for example football and someone cheats during a game he often has a meltdown. If he sticks to rules he goes nuts if others don't.

Do you think these are normal (bad) parenting issues or the sign of something else. Normal "tactics" just do not seem to work with him. We have tried. Playing hardball just escalates matters and the more we put our foot down the more he thinks we hate him.

What can we do to try to improve this? It is almost as if the way he sees certain things is wrong - how can we correct the way he sees any criticism or him not getting his own way as us not loving him? Some of you may think this is just a try on on his part but I really think he sees it like this.

Do you think we need to see a professional and if so what sort? a parenting person to tell us what we are doing incorrectly - a psychologist - no idea what sort of people are out there that could help. And can we get this help without going through the doctor or school? what type of person would we be looking for? Thanks ladies. Someone please try and put us on the right track and please no flaming as I feel bad enough about this already.

[kerryberry1]

i read this post and its like your telling my story about my 8 year old

[OneDreamOnly]

Always wanting to be first doesn't have to be about too much praise. You can't give too much praise as long as it's genuine praise.
If you tell your child he is the best all the time then maybe not that good. If you tell him he did xx very well (small part of a drawing that isn't great overall) that's a different thing. If in the top of it you ask him what he would chAnge then you open the door to him doing the critique of his own work.

Having said that I know a lot of children who really struggle because they are so competitive. A lot if it is down to the child or the parents being too competitive themselves

[screamingeels]

A lot of that sounds very like DD (also 6). Especially the bits about hating critiscm, collapsing if told off, equating people doing what she wants to caring about her etc.

At the heart of it is massive insecurity - if she has an accident, cant learn to do somethimg instantly - she blames herself, says i'm stupid, i'm useless etc etc.

It is getting better as she gets older and we can reason with her more. I found a book called 'parenting your negative child' absolutely brilliant. Will try and sort out a link later.

[OneDreamOnly]

You seem to have a very sensitive clever child and at the same time is extra sensitive to anything unfair and clever enough to be able to play on it.

I would strongly recommend 'How to talk' (on phone so can't link) to get ideas in how to deal with it.

Re the criticisms, I would only comment on how to improve things in areas that are important. Forget about drawings etc. I always give very specific praise (I love the way you have mixed all those colours together. Or the way you did your 'f' is really nice. You can really see both the top and the bottom of the letter ) and ask the child what he thinks about it. No point gushing around if he thinks it's rubbish and could have been done better!

The 'I hate you' is met by 'I can see you are really angry/upset because you can't do X' and/it 'but it doesn't change the fact that I love you'.

I have a very explosive child and my answer to throwing things around, shouting is to send him to his room with the instruction to come out when he is calm again. I also make clear it's not a punishment as such but about his own safety and ours/his siblings.

[BalloonSlayer]

I think you are supposed to praise the effort rather than the achievement.

So "Well done, you tried really hard!" rather than "Well done, you came first, that means you are the best!"

I actually agree with you about not telling them they are brilliant all the time. I meet a lot of children who seem to think they are the centre of the universe because they have been told so from day one and I think your approach is better. But it isn't working for your DS.

The criticism thing was just something I noticed. I don't know what sort of instances you are talking about. In my head I am imagining him showing you a picture and you saying "That's a really good picture but you haven't coloured in that bit," whereas I think I'd say "That's a really good picture, I really like the [insert insincere praise for a bit of scribble] you did here," and leave it at that.

On the subject of drawings, I remember being told once that if a DC shows you a picture, and you say "Oh that's great. What is it?" they immediately see through the praise and interpret "what is it?" as criticism/insult because of course any fool should be able to TELL what their fantastic artwork is depicting. A much better comment is "Oh that's great. What's it called?" (as every great piece of art should have a title ). Then hopefully you can work out from what they call their picture what it's supposed to be. I find that a good way of having a conversation about their daub work of art without insulting them.

[Rinkydinkypink]

Mines 6 and he's terrible at the moment. Cheeky, tantrums, demands and instant strops.

I ignore strops, laugh at the 'but I need' demands. Correct the cheek and warn if it continues he will be in trouble. Tantrums are held in his bedroom on his own, I talk to him once he's stopped.

I see the threats of 'you don't love me', 'your a rubbish parent' etc as emotional blackmail and don't rise to it. Its simply not going to work.

Id like to point out that this is all on the outside. On the inside I want to throttle him hourly at the moment


I live in hope that it will improve!

[summermothering]

balloonslayer I hear what you say when you say "The other thing I noticed was "even if we said something like that was good but that [fill in the gap] could be improved" - actually I think to a small child that IS quite critical. It's sort of giving with one hand and taking away with the other. At this age I think it's quite OK, and in fact probably best, to stick with "That's marvellous darling, you're so clever!" rather than suggest improvements."

How do you get children to improve on things then without giving some criticism? This is obviously a deficiency in how I parent but I am really interested in improving so how do you say it differently but get the result you want? I cant see how telling a child they are brilliant the whole time gets me there (should say we do praise a lot too - but I actually thought maybe we gave too much praise and this is why he always expects to come first/be best).

[summermothering]

"Does he actually believe that you don't love him or is he just saying it because he knows it will work to get his own way? Xx"

I don't know as I am not in his head but if I had to go for one I really think he means it as he gets so distressed when he does not get his own way. I do not think he says it for affect.

Yes sometimes we say sorry if he will say sorry too - which I know is not ideal when he is in the wrong but it is often the only way to diffuse a hysterical situation and a very upset and angry child.

[mrsruffallo]

Just to add-I think trying to put your foot down too much doesn't work with these kind of personalities. Reading 'How to talk so kids listen' was a revelation to me in how much worked with my son (who sounds very similar to yours) It's about being lighthearted, giving appropriate praise and avoiding headlocks- honestly, try to read it if you can. We still have 'battles' but it is improving.

[mrsruffallo]

It sounds fairly normal to me- I can relate to much of what you describe (i have an 8 yr old ds). It's a mixture of stubborness, competitiveness and naturally, immaturity. It'll get better as he grows older, I promise. In the meantime pick your battles and try not to enter into a battle of wills (hard I know).

[ThatWasNice]

What about the 'basics'

How is his sleeping and eating. My kids morphed into little nightmares when they were tired and hungry.

Does he get enough exercise?

[BalloonSlayer]

And do you actually apologise for being horrible to him? It sounds as if you do. In that case he knows if he carries on long enough you will cave in.

The other thing I noticed was "even if we said something like that was good but that [fill in the gap] could be improved" - actually I think to a small child that IS quite critical. It's sort of giving with one hand and taking away with the other. At this age I think it's quite OK, and in fact probably best, to stick with "That's marvellous darling, you're so clever!" rather than suggest improvements.

[loudarts]

Does he actually believe that you don't love him or is he just saying it because he knows it will work to get his own way? Xx

[summermothering]

yes checked up to 5 only.

[summermothering]

think they only deal up to 5's round here.

[VashtaNerada]

Might be worth having an informal chat with your local children's centre?

[summermothering]

Unfortunately he does not understand or want to understand the benefits that sometimes doing something you don't want to do will get you a better result. Again I don't know if this is an issue or how emotionally mature 6 year olds are.

[VashtaNerada]

I think a lot of it is about 'selling' the benefits of being good, and making tidying etc fun. DD is hugely stubborn too and personally I pick my battles. If she wants the last word or to claim black is white, fine. Then I can focus on other aspects of her behaviour.

[summermothering]

Thank you for this. We do try to diffuse the situation but he is stubborn. It escalates and he slams doors and throws things like cushions off the sofa or the contents f his bedroom round. He will often stay like this until "we" apologise for being horrible to him." He does not see that he had been at fault at all - he thinks we are just being nasty hence my comment about the way he views things being wrong.

[VashtaNerada]

YY tiger that sounds very similar to how we handle DD (obviously boy/girl development v.similar before puberty. The bit about having too much emotion sounds spot on for us too!)

[tiger66]

I think normal 6 year old boy behaviour. My ds are 7 and 5 so I have been through the above with one and entering with the other. Basically we are seeing a child psychologist with ds1 who suffers with anxiety and she has taught us so much. She suggested that at this age boys have so much emotion but don't quite know how to deal with it so it is expressed very emotionally quite often verbally or physically and in great exaggeration and quite often more so to the care giver ( generally Mum). At this stage of term there is lots going on at school with end of term change and the kids being so tired that it is quite stressful and a lot of boys in particular feel quite overwhelmed by it all.

We have been advised loads of playful parenting techniques and positive reassurance that is working wanders so if I tell ds no he can't so something and I get a reaction of you don't love me. I respond with something like ' I love you dearly, so much I could squash an ice cream over my head' the silliness tends to diffuse the problem, we both laugh, have a cuddle and they feel reassured and loved that although they don't get there own way (ie yesterday ds2 had a meltdown with you don't love me because he was so tired he didn't want to eat dinner but I wouldn't let him have pudding!) he went to bed at 6.15 happy and content because we had diffused the situation but early as we acknowledged that he was so tired. (He still didn't get pudding but accepted it as we had so much positive reassurance for the love).

I was completely where you are but now see this works so well and understanding that quite often they say these kind of words to get reassurance that they are loved and that not giving them what they want doesn't mean we don't love them. We just need to give them that reassurance.

[VashtaNerada]

DD(6) can be a real handful, but it's hard to tell how 'normal' your DS is without knowing him. I would make sure you're doing lots of praise when he gets things right, have one clear and fair punishment system for anything really naughty, and work on building his self-confidence a bit. You sound anxious and self-critical, he may be picking up on that. No parent is perfect - just try to gradually increase the times you have fun together and it will help you start to feel better.

[QuipFree]

No doubt more helpful advice will come along soon, but without blaming your parenting skills, what ELSE do you suspect might be in the mix? Any idea where the 'You hate me' stuff is coming from?

I would want to go to the school and say directly that you are concerned about his behaviour at home and wondered how things were going at school. Don't put words in their mouths, don't list your concerns, just ask them to tell you about how he behaves at school, how he gets on with other adults and his peers.

I'd ask the same of any close relatives who may look after him (grandparents or aunts/uncles) or child minders, etc, if you feel they will give you helpful, un-judgy feedback. Don't dig for dirt - we all behave badly sometimes and he's only 6 - but I'd want a range of outside opinion if I could get it. I've known DC who are shouting all sorts at their parents in the privacy of their own home, but are not stand-out problems in the classroom.

To be sure, lots of children with challenging behaviour are worse for their parents, simply because they feel safe at home. You will still love him at his worst.

[summermothering]

Not really any feedback from school though the sense of injustice is there - such as when playing football. He thinks if you are told rules then they must be followed literally and he cannot stand it if other children cheat.

I only say bad parenting as normally children are a large part of the parenting they receive and maybe by always pandering to this we have created this situation. I forgot to add he is also super competitive and always want to win/be best. Also probably not uncommon but children have to learn they cannot always be first/best and he just does not seem to be able to accept this.

No idea what causing it - I can only assume the way we have/are parented/parenting.