Saying please and thank you

[OneToThree]

My just turned 3 year old dd won't say please or thank you. It's become a battle of wills, she's so stubborn. Is she too young to make an issue of this or should I stick to my guns. She's currently sobbing as I won't give her a biscuit because she won't say please.

Feel a bit torn on best course of action. Dh thinks just leave it for a couple of weeks as it has turned into a bit of an issue.

[murphy36]

I'd go all guns. Basically don't do anything for her without prompting for a please or thank you.

Ignore requests without please and ask for a thank you before she gets something.

Using them yourself is essential.

[TheGreatHunt]

Going all guns is a bit extreme. It's perfectly normal for people to ask without always saying please or thank you and doing it nicely.

[OneToThree]

Dd wanted to take her face paints to nannys house, she wouldn't say please so we didn't take them.

She wanted a Jaffa cake, again the same.

But hooray, I bought some little cadburys Easter eggs with spoons and she said yes please.

We're getting somewhere, a small victory for today.

[TheGreatHunt]

I'm willing to bet that you weren't that harsh with your eldest ones and cannot quite remember what they were like at 3. I can't remember my eldest at 2 (age of my youngest) and he's 4.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Saying thanks for EVERY item of washing she handed you was a bit over the top, I think. I don't think one would naturally do that so I don't think it's necessary to labour the point. A simple "thanks for your help with passing me all those" when you'd finished would have been sufficient.

[OneToThree]

Is that comment to Murphy?

[murphy36]

No half measures. They smell fear

[OneToThree]

I am sticking with the advice given where I don't make a big deal of it at this age. But will only give treats if please is used.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Also the face paint thing - not sure I would have demanded she say please in that situation to be honest. "Mum, can I take my face paints to Nanny's?" is just a question asking if she's allowed to do something . It's not the same as "mum, please can I have a drink?" Or "can you pass me that pen, please?"

I am a stickler for manners but are you sure she's not reluctant to say please because you're asking her to say it in EVERY situation whether it really warrants it or not? I'd say pick your battles with stuff like this. So stick to your guns with her saying please if she's asking for you (or anyone else) to do something for her, and thanks after a favour. but in a situation where there is one little favour after another like the washing thing then one at the end is fine.

[Only1scoop]

Does dd go to nursery or playgroup? They are really hot on it at ours....
"May I please leave the table"
Etc....please....thank you etc.

Corr I'd be saying a huge please myself for one if those egg things yum

[OneToThree]

Ok I've got it. I think the face paints thing I was so wrapped up in trying to "win", not a good way to act from me though.

Tomorrow is another day.

Thanks for all your help today.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Don't worry about it too much now though - in the end thanks to you she will go to school with beautiful manners which is far better than a child who has none. (I work with teenagers and they are a breed apart when it comes to manners )

[atthestrokeoftwelve]

curlyhaired
"I work with teenagers and they are a breed apart when it comes to manners hmm)"

You work with rude teenagers or do you suggest all teenagers are rude?

If it's the latter then I will have to disagree. Teenagers get such a bad press- why assume they all have bad manners?

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

I'm not suggesting teens are all rude. In fact on their own they nearly all use "please" and "thank you" unprompted. But in front of their mates - Aaargghhh! It's like it's not cool to say please and thanks to a member of staff with a lot of them. Well, not those words anyway. "Nice one, Miss" is the "cool" way of saying "thanks" apparently. I'm assuming it's just a teenage thing and once they get into a more formal work environment they'd realise it was a bit too casual when talking with the boss.

[atthestrokeoftwelve]

Curly- not my experience.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Maybe it's just my school then. Thankfully.

[MauriceMinor]

You could just go all out for thank you to start with. I think it requires less thought on her part. Like with the face paints thing, it's not always essential to say please so long as you've said something nicely, but thank you needs to be an absolute reflex.

When I hand DS something, I don't let go of it till he has said thank you. He knows instinctively what he has to say.

Try focussing on thank you.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Atthestroke: I should also have mentioned that mine is an all boys school - I suspect the group dynamic is very different when there are girls around to notice boys' behaviour.

[morethanpotatoprints]

OP.

You are doing brilliantly my dc are older now, but being firm and even letting the most determined obstinate dc tantrum before saying please, paid off.
People are always commenting on my dcs manners, they have many faults but they attract praise everywhere they go and they always have.

[OneToThree]

Thank you morethan