Chewed-up, angry & upset by toddler's behaviour...and DH's reaction

[MagicGenie]

Apologies in advance - a bit long and rambly - and has probably already been covered a zillion times before.

I'm a SAHM with an 18mo DS. He is happy, chilled-out and affectionate by nature but has hit that dreaded stage of wanting to assert his independence etc.

This has manifested itself - literally over the last 3 or 4 days - in throwing things, getting stroppy, biting and nipping (both DH and I) and pulling my hair.

Despite previously being able to give good (hopefully!), objective advice to other MNers on similar subjects, I'm finding it a bit tough going myself .

The strops and throwing I can handle. The more physical stuff upsets me. Particularly since they're accompanied by a glinty-eyed giggle. And for some reason it's the hair-pulling that really gets me the most.

DH and I have agreed our 'strategy' for dealing with it, which is to say firmly and calmly, 'Don't nip/bite/pull, it hurts' and then ignore him for a while. Followed by lots of praise for good behaviour etc.

I'm able to get through it by just doing it, putting on a 'brave face' and having a private 'harumph' with DH afterwards. As there are particular things that set DS off (nappy changing, getting dressed, bedtime), we've also agreed on changes to try and make these times a bit more 'manageable'.

However, deep down I'm so upset because I can't help but take it personally.

With my sensible head on, I know this daft and it's a stage he's going through, they all go through it etc etc.

But I can't manage to keep focussed on that.

Both DH and I had a particularly rough afternoon/evening with DS and I were chatting about it earlier. Through a quivery lip I called DS (quote) 'a little git' which DH didn't appreciate and it has caused a row.

DH, (superior, demi-god that he is) got very defensive of DS and tried to explain that it's not done on purpose, DS doesn't understand, I shouldn't call him names etc.

I snapped back that 'little git' was mild considering how I was feeling, and that I'm entitled to feel hurt and angry at DS's actions. I don't smack him or anything like that so a good old rant is the best venting I get!

Anyway - to cut a long story short, I'm really upset byt eh whole thing. S'pose my questions to all you MNers are;

1. How can I put my emotions in one box and deal with DS's behaviour in the other?
   
2. How long does the message take to get through that pulling my hair etc is unacceptable?
   
3. Am I being out-of-order by being angry by DH's reaction to me being upset, or am I truly married to a demi-god?!
   
   TIA

[Raggydoll]

to be honest (and i havent read the other posts yet) I would be a bit stricter - if he is generally old enough to understand simple instructions I would make the consequences of hitting and biting quite severe. My ds hates being put in his bedroom with the door shut 'firmly' and we reserve this punishment for the really serious stuff. He literally screams and begs not to go to his room and 'sit on the bed' when he has done something really bad - but if he didn't get really upset by the punishment it wouldn't be much of a deterrent for next time.

I would say though 18mths is the earliest I would do 'time out' from and if your ds is too young to understand the concept its would be better to wait and use it when hes older. But imho you do need to find a punishment that he really dislikes for it to be effective.

[Twiglett]

'Don't nip/bite/pull, it hurts' and then ignore him for a while. Followed by lots of praise for good behaviour etc.


I would amend this to a sharp NO .. then put him down and ignore for 90 seconds (that is too many words for an 18 month old .. all they will hear is nip or bite or pull)


he is acting like a 'little git' .. he is a toddler its what they do .. it is going to get a whole lot worse ... arguing about semantics is not conducive


so your questions

1. You can't put your emotions in a box .. but you can stifle them with an 'its just a phase' mantra .. so you don't display them to ds
   
   
2. the message will probably take somewhere between a week and a month to seep through .. but believe me there will be different stages next in line .. and it will just continue
   
   
3. no you can get upset but appreciate that its just terminology ... it doesn't mean anything .. it is easy to be 'holier than thou' when it hasn't got to you yet .. it will get to DH too .. if he's faced with it for long enough ... leave him alone with DS for a day ... you'll work through this too