Two lots of tantrums is starting to wear me down. Wise words need.

[MissSusan]

Dts are 2.9, we are having a pretty hard time at them moment tantrum wise, I know it's just a phase and all pretty normal stuff. I have tried various coping techniques - crying in the kitchen whilst eating Nutella with my hands a spoon etc etc.
A lot of them are over things I have no control over - broken sticks or broken biscuits are a particular bug bear of theirs.
Or huge meltdowns because I give them breakfast in the wrong bowl or give them what the asked for but they have changed their mind in the 5 seconds it takes to pour a bowl of cereal
Is there anything I can do or is it just a waiting game, I really try to pick battles and encourage them to make choices.
What else can I do ?
TIA

[Mumof2beautys]

I sat here reading all these threads crying and nodding along... Just had a hr long tantrum with ds and I don't even know why..poor dd (5months) didn't know what was going on. I'm so shattered and it doesn't help when dp laughs it off sayin oh he's well behaved really... AHHHHHHH so nice to know I'm not alone
Gona cram in a quick brew now there both napping... How long for nobody knows ha

[SuedeEffectPochette]

Glad to hear it helped you and worked. The book (How to Talk So Kids will Listen and Listen so kids will talk) is really good and has lots of tips for older children too! I have to keep re-reading it a bit though as a lot of it is harder than just shouting (my other strategy!).

[BabiesAreLikeBuses]

Blast from the past i have 5yo dts but remember it well! They are mostly rational now, still have their moments but i feel differently, ie am not overly compassionate at tantrums! Would def not let them have control of mealtime yet, mine earnt breakfast choice at 4... They soon learnt the alternative to eating what i gave was not eating. Reckon you are at the hardest point with twins (well until teenage years) good luck, and try to escape for an hour soon!

[MissSusan]

Suede I tried out the tip you suggested and it worked. It really worked.
Dts were having chocolate and sweets a healthy snack, and wanted more. I thought ok I will give it a go. Admittedly they did decline to play a wishing game and asked for more, but they didn't have a tantrum.
I have to admit I thought it was a fluke but tried it out in the car when they wanted a cuddle while we were driving. Worked again, they even joined in with the game - dt1 wished he could be a bumble bee and dt2 wants to stroke a tortoise

[taurusmum85]

Hi im a newby on here and thought id share my experience iv a nearly 3yo who has total meltdowns too if I hold his hand to cross the street or tell him off for running away in a shop he will start by taking his shoe off and throwing it and when I pick it up loses it and screams for it back. I use time out and make him sit somewhere out of harms way and il stand with him until he calms down which usually Is about 30 seconds when he realizes im not backing down. Iv had so many comments from other parents who watch me doing it as it works really well and obviously a few funny looks from people who have never had children or seen a tantrum!

[atrcts]

Mugglewhump Nice to know you are able to do that and your kids are surviving! Gives me hope that we won't be accidentally creating a malnutrition problem!!!!!

We used to allow him to come and go from the table but it ended up with tantrums when we finally cleared everything away, even if we'd asked several times if he's finished. That whole chopping and changing of the mind game is a nightmare

[notso]

I love Lotso even though he's baaadd!

atrcts Yes wearing is the word. I do let DS2 go hungry, he gets two warnings and if he carries on messing about it's game over.
I do offer whatever pudding I was going to give him anyway, it's usually just fruit or yoghurt because I don't want to get into a "two more spoons and you can have pudding" type battle.
I tend to cook 3/4 'safe' meals a week that he is likely to eat (any tomatoey pasta/curry/rissoto) I only offer something else if it is a new dish he's not tried before.

muggle Ah, the flailing on the floor, DS2 has mastered this.

I have been trying two new techniques this week. I have been attempting to get all Supernanny on his ass and make eye-contact and get down to his level, this is a fail mostly as he throws himself on the ground and feigns sleep!
More encouraging is refocusing attention when he hurts his little brother. Rather than making a deal of telling DS2 off which usually ends up in him screaming and flailing I have been just saying a simple
"Don't hit/push/bit/butt your brother" to DS2 then turning away and then making a big fuss of DS3.

[SuedeEffectPochette]

Sorry Notso not Lotso (I am watching Toy Story ATM)

[SuedeEffectPochette]

LOL Lotso! GET ME SOME RAISINS!

[Mugglewhump]

Gosh we know all about tantrums in our house. Dd aged 5 still has them but normally will run screaming to her room and slam the door shouting "and your not my best friend anymore!". Easily dealt with though as she just gets ignored.
She was a champion tantrumer aged 2 though. Once she ran headlong into a full rack of clothes in Next, whilst screaming and got herself tangled up. I can't even remember what started it. I ended up rummaging through the clothes trying to disentangle her and then carried her screaming out of the shop under one arm, having to return sheepishly when I found a vest top hanging off her foot halfway to the car... She has had many tantrums that have been epic, lasting an hour or so and ended up falling asleep on the floor.

Ds is just 2 and has started tantruming. He is a master of the fall to the floor technique whilst thrashing legs and spitting. Or throwing food across the dinner table. I have found through experience the best way of dealing with them is to ignore if possible or try and distract eg Ds likes to have a meltdown at bath-time and refuses to come upstairs, I will try and make a game of it and carry him upside down whilst pretending to forget where the bathroom is and he has to help me look for it. If he throws food he has one warning, then is removed from the dinner table if it continues.
atrcts we do let the children go hungry if they refuse to eat what we are all having for meals. We eat our evening meal together and food refusal is acceptable but they do not get pudding or any other food. Its tough but me and Dh both stick to our words. I would never make them eat something they didn't like and they are allowed to come back to the table if they change their minds and realise that Mummy is not going to give in.

I also have an 8wk old Ds and there is always someone screaming when DH comes home from work at 6pm. The window cleaner commented that he thought someone was being strangled the other day when he came to ask for payment.... it was just 8wk old Ds exercising his lungs.

[atrcts]

I am comforted by this thread! My just-turned-3-year-old seems to have started the terrible twos a bit late. We get (on a daily basis and at regular intervals throughout the day) whacked, yelled at, cried to, changing of mind about food and drink, refusal to cooperate with anything.

I sometimes am at a complete loss with what to do! I am not sure if I might have found some resolution with the hitting, as today in the supermarket I was being whacked while pushing the trolley and so held both hands tightly together while I pushed, and made him say sorry before I let him go again. By about the 3rd time he gave up interest in hitting me.

We've also decided that choosing food and drink (or clothes, or anything else that's become a tantrum-related problem) will now be an earned privilege. It worked earlier when I offered a drink of orange (refused) and then offered a drink of warm milk (accepted but then as soon as it was prepared it swiftly moved to the refused camp), and told him that warm milk is all he can have and when he finishes it he can have some orange juice after if he's still thirsty. I then walked out of the room and when I came back 10 minutes later it seemed to have done the trick, it was all gone.

But it is really wearing and he is so objectionable, I can't wait to get him back again! It's hard to get inspiration with how to manage him on every little thing (there are so many battles in the day!!!) and often what works one day won't always work the next. Like everyone else seems to experience, it does seem to be a special behaviour saved for Mummy and Daddy!!!!

I wonder, does anyone else let their kids go hungry with the mealtime battles? We're seriously considering going down that path because we've now got to the stage where he will ask for his favourite breakfast cereal and then cry at the top of his lungs because he doesn't want it. Rather than coax and pander we're thinking about giving one warning that if he doesn't eat it then it will be taken away and nothing until the next meal (or snack) - but I know I would really struggle to keep that up if he was being good and begging for it 30 mins later! However I know how important it is to stick to your word and be consistent, its a guilt trip either way isn't it?!!!

[MissSusan]

I think I have seen that book recommended on here before Suede

you will have to try it out and let us know how you get on notso

[notso]

Knocks back several !

I am tempted to try that book Suede though DD has just snorted and said the following would happen with DS2
"Mummy doesn't have any raisins but she wishes she did have some. If she did have some she could give them to you. Mummy wishes she had some raisins. What else do you wish for sometimes? Shall we play a game about wishes?"
DS2 "no get me some raisins"

[SuedeEffectPochette]

"How to talk to kids so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" is a great book with some tips for younger as well as older children.
Eg
You are in the park and child asks for raisins, which you don't have. So the book says, replace
"sorry I don't have any raisins" which will probably start a tantrum, with
"Mummy doesn't have any raisins but she wishes she did have some. If she did have some she could give them to you. Mummy wishes she had some raisins. What else do you wish for sometimes? Shall we play a game about wishes?"
My kids are all older now but the book is still good for dealing with them. Might be worth a read.

[ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath]

notso well aren't you the lucky one with a toddler and a teen, you must feel so blessed

[MrsBonkers]

Thanks Lady. Yep, when I say brush, I mean wave an afro comb (remember those??? lol) within 3 feet of it! I have long hair too and remember the agony of my mum scraping my hair into ponytails.
I have conditioner and leave in detangling spray, but what really grates is that she lets the carers at nursery do it and comes home with prettier hair than she went in with.
Shes lucky its not so curly as to go frizzy, just a lovely wave. Sure she'll spend hour with strightners when she's older though :(

Oh God, Notso, I can't imagine coping with teen tantrums too!

[Ladyhawke127]

For what it's worth, msbonkers, I see that your little girl is a curly wurly! As a fellow curly wurly, I can tell you that having your hair brushed really hurts!!!!! Don't do it, as all you will end up with is her hair looking like candy floss! Wash it, towel it, put a teeny bit of product in and leave it to dry. When she gets up, just run your fingers though it to pull it back into shape. No more tantrums, and no stig of the dump look. Honestly, I can't remember the last time I brushed my hair. Conditioner when hair washing to take outhe tangles and that isit. Easy

[notso]

use the word tough a lot love it superbagpuss



Major tantrum this morning because I wasn't playing Mickey Moon correctly, possibly because I don't know WTF Mickey Moon is so have no idea of the seeming complex rules. I added fuel to the fire by handing him a bribe banana in the 'wrong' way.

Teen tantrum of the day because I made her tie her tie properly rather than with the five inch wide fat knot that is en vogue and because she couldn't take her Ipod to school.

[MrsBonkers]

Biscuit glue or a time machine!

Me: have you finished with that? (yoghurt or whatever)
DD: Yes mummy
Me: can mummy eat it?
DD: Yes mummy
Me: Sure its ok for mummy to finish it for you?
DD: Yes mummy
[eats said item]
DD: whaaaaaaaaaa you eat my yoghurt..... its my yoghurt....... give it back..... whaaaaa whaaaaa sob sob whaaaaaa

HOW????? Just how am I meant to give it back????

[ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath]

[superbagpuss]

I have dts 3.8 and still get melt downs, about really silly things. I know its all about control etc but I can't wait until they are rational! all I can say is pick your battles, use the word tough a lot and , my personal favorite, metallica will cover up the sound of a tantrum until they are calm, other rock bands are available

[notso]

ItsOkay

Only one meltdown so far today due to a biscuit malfunction in the middle of town, which quickly escalated into DS2 screaming "GLUE IT MUMMY GLUE IT NOOOOOWWWW" needless to say despite a changing bag full of crap essentials I had neglected to pack biscuit glue

[ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath]

Good god LaVita, that's shocking

DS seems to be a bit better the last few days but this morning he almost lost it because he asked me to sing a song... and I did. How very stupid of me .

his nickname is Mussolini btw

[MissSusan]

Yes, good thanks Zen. How are you ?
Dts were perfectly behaved at the family party, we had lots of complimentary comments about their behaviour, which was nice. I did look at them and think that they were 2 completely different toddlers.
Had a couple of minor tantrums today, but nothing too bad.

[ZenNudist]

How are things going MissSusan? I think that next to tantruming that non-verbal whinge thing really gets my goat. When ds just goes "urrgh" whilst pointing at whatever he wants or wants me to fix more like!

Im catching up on other peoples toddler mayhem. It's nice to know we are not alone.

Am laughing at the 'red cup yay!' post from Notso perhaps I will try the single choice celebration technique. Also LaVita wins the prize for 'most serious injury sustained in the course of a toddler tantrum' - youch!