School have called me in to talk about DS, 4yo :(

[wheelsfelloff]

Am a regular but have name-changed for this. I'm sitting here in tears and shaky, I don't know what to do.

DS is in Reception and is one of the youngest, a last days of August baby (which may, or may not, be relevant). Since he started in September, he is always in trouble and this was also the case when he was in a (private) nursery for mornings for the previous six months. We are talking general not listening, fidgeting, being silly etc. as well as some spitting and the odd bout of hitting and kicking, although my understanding is that there is less of this now. I realise that none of these things are acceptable and I can understand how irritating it must be for the teachers.

He has always been pretty feisty but we have always had boundaries and taught him right from wrong. I'm sure everyone thinks 'it's the parents' fault' but we really have always tried to be consistent. Both DP and I are pretty meek and mild, we don't fight, we never hit each other or the DCs or condone such behaviour in any way. We have seen DS's behaviour improve immensely at home as he has got older and tbh we don't have many problems with him, above and beyond the usual 4 year old stuff. If I take him on playdates or to parties, he behaves well. He can be so lovely, is a nice older brother and is doing well learning-wise at school. But something about school environments seems to drive him a bit bonkers.

At the first parent's evening before Christmas, his teacher told me he was naughty but 'I don't think he's on some spectrum, if that's what you're thinking'. We agreed to a sticker chart which I did for a couple of months but tbh it didn't really feel like it was helping him stop what is essentially impulsive behaviour and also for it to work relied on the teacher reporting back to me every day which didn't always happen or I didn't really know enough about why it was 'not a good day' in order to explain to DS why he wasn't getting a sticker. So it fizzled out.

Yesterday was the first day back after half-term. He was in trouble yesterday for throwing people's things. Today was worse (some spitting and DS said they put him in the nursery) and his teacher has asked me to go in on Thursday to 'talk about how we can support him in school'. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do. I feel like such a crap parent for this to be happening but I just don't know what else to do when I don't really have major problems with him elsewhere. He does go through phases of being particularly bonkers (including the last couple of weeks) after long periods of relative calm; we have looked at food, sleep etc. but there seems to be no obvious cause.

Sorry for the essay and the ranting. I just wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom. I just know I'm going to go in on Thursday and blub, although I really don't want to . I want to work with the teachers and I also don't want my DS to be 'crying and bored' in the nursery every day .

[cuggles]

well done wheels DS...over half the day was great then! What a fab start! I should ensure you keep a note of the times when school dont do their side of things like the fruit too (and I say that not out to get the school as I am a teacher but I think it is really important that you as a parent and your DS can trust the school to do what they say they will and therefore they need to address it if they aren't). I find it abit worrying that day one after the meeting, this went wrong but maybe he wouldnt eat it or something?
Also, maybe suggest for carpet time he can have something to fiddle with (like a stress ball or similar) - I used to keep 3/4 in my classroom and simply hand them to certain students who were having difficult days - always boys! (secondary though). It is a fact that boys have more fast twitch muscle fibres than girls so they just can not sit for very long at all esp. when new to having to...they have to override their physiology! Good lad!

[Lavenderhoney]

They forgot? That's dreadful - when you drop off make sure you mention it and ask how she will make sure she remembers in future. It's not very supportive is it?

Keep a note of how it goes and what happens, in case you get called in again and forget how many times she forgot his snack and could be linked to behaviour.

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

Out of interest, how do you personally handle the spitting issue?

[adoptmama]

Ask them to write a reminder about the snack on his daily chart so that they do remember. It is easy to do when you are dealing with a busy class with multiple needs.

[mathanxiety]

He needs his snack. He needs to drink. Lack of either or both can result in wacky behaviour and diminished responsiveness to instructions/impulsiveness/aggression.
This doesn't sound like a well managed classroom tbh.

Try fruits and high fibre snacks that are not sugared up for snack.

He is possibly having the normal testosterone surges that can happen at 4-6 in boys.