3 yr old sleeps with my husband and my mum but not with me (mum)

[Shaluk]

I have not posted on mumsnet before....but am going out of my mind with sleep deprivation. My son is 3 yrs and 3 mths old - he is controlling me at night wanting me to stay with him until he falls asleep (I either sit on the floor or on the chair next to his bed) and then will wake 3-4 times a night, obviously checking if I am still there. I have tried everything under the sun (night light is on...., stickers, thomas books, chocolates etc) but nothing works. A typical night would be he falls asleep at 7.45pm, then wakes at 12am, 4am, 5am and then 6am when he is awake for the day. So here is my frustration - when my husband or my mum puts him to sleep, they tuck him in and walk out of the room and he goes to sleep on his own - waking up only once in the night and then at 6.30am or 7am!!! So he knows I am too soft!!! I have an 8 yrs old who is special needs and also a 5 year old - if I let 3 yr old cry it out the other two will wake and the last time I tried this it lasted for 2 hours and everyone woke up!! It is a living nightmare. Some nights I go to his room at 4am and he won't fall asleep and I sit there freezing and praying it won't take ages....but then as I creep out he starts to cry again....
please please, can anyone help?
Thank you.

[Shaluk]

Thank you for your message jellyrolly and I know you are completely right but when I let him cry it lasted two hours and he still wasn't asleep. My other DC did not hear him. How can I do it again and how long can I allow him to cry for?? He is so stubborn and determined...

[lonesomeBiscuit]

I feel really sorry for you. Have been there, done that many times with my 2.3 year old. Including him only self-settling for others, not me; the sheer panic when he wakes and I'm not there; and me sitting in his room cold in the middle of the night hoping this time please can he go back to sleep quickly, and the 4/5/6am waking which makes it impossible to get more sleep.

Currently going through a better phase. It got really bad for a long period after Christmas, when he was ill (turned out he had an ear infection, I reckon he'd had it a good few weeks before we realised how bad it was). Could your son have picked up a bug from nursery that is making him look to you for comfort in the night? Somehow comfort is a mum thing. Also if they are feeling rotten one can be a bit more understanding about it (though it doesn't help the physical exhaustion). With mine I could tell the panic/upset were genuine, not try-ons.

What worked for us

• patience and reassurance (in my view, where they are genuinely panicked you have to reassure till they feel comfortable, crying it out only makes things worse)
  

• on a couple of the really bad nights, dragging the sofa cushions in during the middle of the night to make bed on the floor, then leaving the light on low in the hall so he could see I was there while he tossed and turned unable to go back to sleep.
  

• working on bedtime first and in the middle of the night just doing whatever was necessary (patting, singing). I find once bedtime is cracked with self-settling, that panic on waking where they are looking for mummy also subsides
  

• I spent ages getting nowhere with bedtime, I wasn't consistent enough and creeping out / leaving and going back didn't help, as it just made him constantly anxious and watchful for when I was going to leave (I like the idea of a consistent "back in 5" though and will try that in the next awful period). What worked in the end was gradual withdrawal, it took about 10 days till I was sitting in the hall but in view. Then I opted for "mummy is just going to tidy up" and going from hall into other rooms, clattering a bit.
  

I find these things go through good phases and bad phases, it is nothing to do with you not being strong enough, just they have a different emotional attachment to mummy and it probably is a reaction to the change or illness.

HTH

[jellyrolly]

I don't think it helps anyone for you to listen to your child crying for you for hours, you don't have to put either of you through that. For me it was more finding the conviction in my voice and also choosing what you are saying, so to go from being there when he cries to saying you are not coming in will be very distressing for both of you, but you can do some of what lonesomebiscuit says. You can say "I am coming back in 10 minutes" or "I will come back in when I have cleared up in the kitchen" etc. and stick to that.

Lonesomebiscuit, you reminded me of when I tried the disappearing chair, I was heard to ask 'where does this f&%$ing chair end up? The corner shop?' Not everything works for everyone!

[Shaluk]

Lonesomebiscuit thank you for you message, you have been through it all too and it sounds so familiar. Please could you tell me how you managed to get to the hall as I've only managed to get as far as the floor - sitting next to the bed. It was a disaster because DS kept checking if I was still there whilst he was trying to go to sleep. Did you keep reassuring with your voice? Tonight I said "I am coming back in 5 minutes, I am going to turn the heating off" and DS just cried hysterically until I came back. I then went in, reassured him and then said it again, this time saying I was going to the toilet. Again hysterical. I then sat at the bottom of the bed with my hand placed on him and he slept within 2 minutes. I think the withdrawal process is the answer, he can't switch off and is waking to see if I am still there, he is also over tired of course.

[PopMusic]

Oh I really feel for you and your DS, Shaluk. I don't have problems with night wakings but then I co-sleep with my DS (4) but until recently, I had to stay with him - lie next to him until he went to sleep while he pulled played with my hair!

To get him to self settle, I made sure to keep the routine exactly the same for a week beforehand and keep it the same from then on, absolutely no deviation at all, not even a minor one. I started the routine a little earlier so he was not over-tired. He is scared about monsters (is yours? - I know it's a developmental thing) so I always say that mummy does not let monsters/ghosts/witches in the house because I have super powers and I also left a table lamp on in the room because he is scared of the dark (it took him a bit longer to go to sleep in the light at first but now it does not seem to make a difference). Once stories have been read, and I kissed him goodnight, told him I had jobs to do and I would check on him in five minutes and leave pretty sharpish. I did not have crying but I did have calling out for me, which I responded to straight away. I was very matter a fact - "I said I would come back, mummy still has to finish her job, I will see you in five minutes". If he was quiet, I just left it a bit longer before I went back. Sometimes, he called me to ask me questions and have a chat and I would let him say what he wanted to say and I would say something along the line of "it's sleep time and we will talk about it tomorrow, you need to sleep now". He still occasionally calls to me for an emergency cuddle which I am more than happy to oblige.

So, yes, carry on leaving the room but I think the key thing is consistency and being very matter a fact about it. So, if he is crying hysterically, a quick cuddle and now it's time to sleep and a swift exit. Personally, I would not let him cry so that it got to the hysterical stage because its much harder to settle them. Children at this age have no concept of time so if you came back in sooner when he is crying, you can still pretend its been five minutes. It might take a few more days but for me that is worth it for a calmer child.

[mysweetie]

Have you tried putting a picture of you or your family beside him? or putting some nursery rhymes while he sleep? a teddy or anything to be beside him might also help.