Sorry, long and not very cheerful, but...

[WorriedAboutABoy]

...I have had a terrible morning! I went to DS1's Easter party at his nursery (pre-school, he's 3yo). DS1 behaved atrociously throughout, and none of the nursery staff seemed at all surprised. He was rude, uncooperative, anti-social, didn't want to join in, bellowed things like "I don't like that stupid song" after all the children, parents and teachers had done songs/actions, and he had just shouted and refused to join in all the way through it, during the walk around the garden he deliberately went the wrong way and barged the other children...etc. I had to virtually drag him in and out of the building/garden, he got into the doorway and stopped dead, so that no-one could get past, he did the same thing at the gate, he whinged and screamed incessantly, he wouldn't put his shoes on, he wouldn't take his coat off, he wouldn't go to the toilet, he wouldn't say please or thank you at the table and he screamed and roared while the other children were eating nicely.

His talking is more like a 6/7yo than than a 3yo, it's very noticeable (people are always stopping me in shops etc because they've heard him) and yet there is no work on the walls by him (I've been checking for a few weeks, and all the other children's seems to go up), none of the paintings are his (although he used to bring some home when he first started - he hasn't done so for ages), he's not in any of the photos up on the walls, he hadn't made a hat for Easter... please don't think I am bragging about his talking, I really am not, but I don't know what to do with him. He's found the group/carpet times difficult right from the start, he runs off to be on his own or shouts the teacher down, he finds joining in difficult and prefers being on his own or one to one with an adult.

I've just tried again to sit with him and have a quiet, gentle talk with him about his behaviour, but I can't even get him to make eye contact. Even when he isn't being naughty he doesn't really do eye contact, he just pulls faces, looks at my mouth, looks past me; if I try and get him to look at my eyes when I'm talking to him he pushes his face right up to mine so that he can't focus on my eyes. Am I being paranoid?

I can't understand why he behaved like this today. He loves nursery, he likes singing and parties and all that kind of thing usually. He does know how to behave, I'm not a tyrant, don't smack/bawl at him, but I am quite strict about manners and behaviour, being kind to others etc, and so is dh. He had plenty of sleep last night and he knew what was happening today. None of the other children behaved like that. It was just so embarrassing and horrible, the staff were just rolling their eyes as if to say "Oh, it's him again" and the other parents just kept staring at me as though I had two heads. And at the end, when all the other children went off happily with their parents clutching their hats and things that they'd made, DS1 just screamed and struggled "I don't want to go home, I won't, I'm not going to, I don't like it at home, I don't want to go with you" all the way down the street. I had really been looking forward to his first Easter party, seeing him enjoy it with all the other children. I have tried gently asking him how he was feeling and what went wrong, but he just blows raspberries in my face and says "I don't like joining in" and either runs away or changes the subject or does something aggressive.

Am I being paranoid, or am I somehow doing a crap job?

[Enid]

try this:

\link{http://www.hsperson.com/pages/child.htm\highly sensitive child}

[tigermoth]

just a very short message of support as you sound like a very caring and sensitive mother.

FWIW, my youngest son rarely had his work up on the nursery walls. He wasn't intereseted in craft or art work and,as it wasn't obligatory that he did any, he didn't do much. I don't think he was keen to see his work on the walls either so it wasn't an issue for him. Does you son actaully do much art work at nursery - is this important to him?

Not that I'm saying the nursery is good for him. I am surprised they are letting so much slip. Definitely talk to them - agree with all the good advice here.

The other thing, thinking of the easter party, both my sons at this age often played up/showed off/insisted on leaving the group to come to me when I was there watching them. I had this time and time again at sunday school and school events when they were very young. I too heve felt so embarrassed in front of the other parents. But speaking to teachers and helpers, they'd assure me my errant son was better behaved when I am not there. I used to tell them to let me know if my ds played up, but this rarely happened. I wonder if there might be some of this happening with your son especially as you say that he chooses to be good and knows how to behave at home?

[Caththerese1973]

No, not paranoid: you have a clever little eccentric on your hands! My mother constantly regales me with stories about my anti-social and bullying behaving at around same age, and at school I was also quite a loner, always liked to read.....point being (don't wish to brag) but I have always been 'very much my own person' (as my grade 2 teacher tactfully put it) and was considered 'gifted' throughout school. I now have a PhD and lecture in English Lit. I have had my share of problems....I identify with your little boy, because he sounds very much like myself at the same age, going on my mum's accounts (which are limited: I seem to have been such a difficult child that she's blocked a lot of things out. My own dd was late to talk, and whe I got concerned about this and asked Mum when I started taliking, she could not remember....the only 'milestone' she recalls is that I could allegedly walk when I was 9 months!)
He's obviously a bright kid, and that's not always a great thing on all levels. He might be very sensitive, might be prone to depression when he's adolescent (sorry: don't wish to make you MORE anxious). But my point is that he's SMART, and sensitive, ad may not always want to conform. He might just have an instinctive resistance towards conforming. I know I always did (ie, when I was designated as 'gifted')
And btw, I would NOT, if I were you, go down the path of labelling him as gifted when he's of school age, if his teachers want to take him down that road. I remember my grade 2 teacher used to let me read instead of doing maths when all the other kids were doing maths, because I was considered very advanced for my age in the verbal/reading dept and she felt that should be maximized. Result of this was that I missed out on feeling normal, was ostracised, and to this day cannot do long division to save my life!
Don't worry about his odd mannerisms, weird behaviours, facial expressions etc. My mum was so worried about me when I was seven that she took me to paediatrician and apparently (cannot remember the incident) I kept pulling bizarre faces and talking in babble and the good doc was convinced I was retarded, despite Mum's protestations about how I was 'top of the class' in reading etc. I remember clearly as a toddler being very mean to my mother: slapping and pinching her, I was incredibly hard to toilet rain; resisted cuddles yet used to insist that she sit outside my bedroom door every night until I went to sleep!
I love my mother dearly, of course: clearly I'm not autistic or Asperger's....some kids do march to the beat of a different drummer (if you'll forgive the cliche)but it's not necessarily a bad thing, as hard as it is for Mum at the time. My own dd seems quite similiar to me ....didn't talk until two and then suddenly started talking in sentences: hassles me constantly (I WISH I could get her to shut up sometimes, which is ironic when I consider how anxious I used to be about late speech!), is aggressive with other kids to an embarrassing extent: says she likes her day-carer but thinks the other kids are 'silly and horrible' and claims they 'fight with her' (I know she fights with them....she won't share toys!). Won't dance with other kids, won't follow the herd, won't play on cue. Won't even talk on cue (ie: 'say bye to Auntie Barb': 'No! Don't like her!;) But on her own she's as happy as a clam.
Sorry: this has been a loooooong response, but I really can relate, and I want to tell you not to worry. Just love your little boy and if anyone has a go at him, tell them to shove it up their clacker. He's only 3, after all. Obviously, if he gets into lighting fires or tortuing animals when he's older, you might have something to worry about, but I doubt it will come to that. I think you have a lot to look forward to. He sounds like a very clever little fellow indeed.

[Sparklemagic]

what a lovely post caththerese!

I have to say, have no idea at all if my DS will be clevr or gifted, but blimey, there are loads of similarities between my DS and how you describe yourself and your DD. Particularly the being his own person thing and marching to the sound of his own drum. He is in a 'no' phase at the moment, but your post made me look back and realise that actually he has always been like this; refusing to conform sums him up completely.
He lives in his imagination completely and creates games and scenarios all day every day.

However he's certainly not precocious - still doesn't recognise letters that reliably and still draws in a scribble (he's 3.5).

It's fascinating to see how our little non-conformists develop though!

[SleepyJess]

I am just going to post this \link{http://www.metagifted.org/topics/metagifted/indigo/introduction.html\link} and then slip quietly away back to what you ladies may probably now consider to be my strange world or pychic phenomena, crystal balls and joss sticks! (I just thought you might like a look :))

[SleepyJess]

Oh dear. Sorry.

[MagicGenie]

Hi WAAB. I wasn't surprised to read that your little boy had this 'incident' with the woman at nursery. Re; his behaviour at the party - defence can sometimes be the best form of attack, iykwim.

Apart from being bright, he's obviously a sensitive little soul - particularly him being aware/unsettled at the fact that he's been angry lately and doesn't fully understand why. How amazing is it that he can feel and articulate that at his age?!! :)

That said, it might be appropriate to keep talking about recent events/the way he feels with him - until you feel he's made his peace with it...? Working it through in his own head might help him draw a line under what happened and he might be more inclined to start afresh after the break. (Sorry - don't mean to sound all Trisha on you there!

Your chat with the headmaster sounds like it will also hit the mark. You DO NOT need make excuses for your son's behaviour; they DO need to explain what's been going on.

Sending him a big cuddle - he sounds lovely!

[mymama]

Sorry you had such a rough morning. I can't really comment on his behaviour as I have not experienced that. My ds didn't have any artwork on the walls at nursery either and didn't seem to have his photo anywhere. I was a little upset about it so I asked the reason why and I found out that my ds just didn't enjoy doing craft/painting etc. He happened to be absent on the day of the photo and they hadn't realised he was missed. My ds is now in preparatory at school and still does not particpate in craft/painting etc if he does not have to. He would rather build blocks and play in home corner. So there may be a simple explanation for your son's missing craft. My ds is very excitable and can be a little disruptive at times in class and hates sitting still. So I have made a point to walk to school of a morning to decrease some of his energy levels and make sure he eats a wholesome breakfast without any added sugar etc. I have also just started him on Efalex fish oils to try to increase his concentration levels and calm him a little.

[mymama]

Wanted to add to my post that my ds did just enough craft to make it into his scrapbook home. There was not enough left over to go on the walls!!

[threebob]

Google gifted children and you will find some stuff that may be reassuring.

Ds is a good talker and also never has any work on the walls. When I ask him why he says "I was too busy - I was making the longest bridge in New Zealand with the blocks". Obviously it would be good if one of the staff took a picture of that bridge so that he could have some work up (think how all those sculptors would have felt if someone had just gone "that's nice dear, fancy making an Easter picture?"

Fortunately in NZ we have an early years curriculum that allows for free choice of play and learning up to age 5. So apart from the odd compulsory thing (like making a place mat for his meal), he is allowed and encouraged to play the mad scientist.

As for his behaviour - he has no idea why he was as he was, and no idea why he should care.

Sorting out mat time behaviour is something the nursery should be working on, ask them what they are doing. Ideas would be a set of cards to remind him what to do and when, having a start and end song, so he knows what he's up for, and gentle sung reminders rather than hollering his name sharply.