Advice please on how to help my 9yo dd.

[Sluginthejam]

My dd can be a typical 9yo - works well at school, great with her friends on a one to one basis, sometimes lovely with her younger siblings, very competitive with dd2.

She's had long term speech problems, and was 8 before she was discharged by her SALT. I think this has really affected her confidence, as she is very insecure especially in her friendships.

My main worry is that she just doesn't seem to know how to behave in normal social situations. She almost makes too much effort to look cool, and ends up looking a bit silly. She'll often start conversations with people she doesn't know particularly well, but puts on strange mannerisms, and starts talking rubbish. Often they ( especially children) will just move away or ignore her, but she doesn't pick up on it and just continues her speech.

I have wondered if she is on the AS spectrum, but a lot of the signs ive read about don't really tie in with her. Her teachers have never commented on this, but I know that she is quite studious at school, and more serious so I'm not sure if they have seen much of this side of her.

I can't decide whether to specifically discuss with her what body language to look out for, when you're talking to someone, or whether to train her with set sentences to say in everyday situations. I dont want to ruin her selfconfidence further though.I suspect a lot is just nerves, but I can't help thinking there is more to it.

[Sluginthejam]

Sorry, not been able to post earlier.

She is good at a particular sport, and we've encouraged her with it so she is very confident when she's playing it with her school friends, who haven't done the extra training.

Since she's been home tonight, she has been completely'normal' . I just wish she would be like this all the time and stop putting on an act. She has always been good at going to new clubs etc by herself, but has then dropped out at a later date when she's felt left out. She goes to a very small school, which does mean that she's often the only one from her school at any extracurricular activities.

[gourd]

Hmm perhaps you could also try to stress in any conversations you have that "being yourself" is very important? It does sound a bit of a typical pre-high school girls thing actually, wanting to fit in and be liked, trying too hard to impress others, and not realising that just being yourself and talking to others with similar interests will eventually lead to finding friends who are similar, even if this doesn't happen immediately.

[gourd]

She sounds as if she just want to be "normal", wants to be liked so she wants to please/impress others. Does she sing? Is she musical? It may help with words and being confident in her own voice to sing in a choir or to sing for pleasure. It can be easiier to sing words than say them and of course it isnt necessary to have words to all music anyway. It might help her confidence if she finds a talent, somethiing she is really good at. If not music, perhaps a sport? Generally people are are really good at something dont need to show off, because being really, really good at something gives them enough confidence to know they dont have to. Also a group sport or music class/choir will help her to socialise with others with a similar interest that they can all talk about, without having to try to talk to others about any subject that she doesn't have much knowledge of/confidence in.

[Sluginthejam]

Thanks for your suggestions. I will try role play, but I'll need to do it Ian very subtle way, as I'm worried that she'll get even mo self confident if I point out where she's going wrong.

She struggles in group situations with her friends, and is always on the outside, even when her best friend is there.

[shawl20]

You could maybe use roleplay games helpful or point out others and discuss what you both think they are doing right or wrong. Never been through this type of thing so its just an opinion. I do work in a school assisting with SALT and other SEN but i don't see this situation. I think maybe alot of it is down to shyness and her trying hard to please people and thinks thats what she has to do, as you say she has had speech problems and all her peers have learnt how to deal with these situations she may be only just finding them out now. Sorry thats all i have got , hope u find an answer.