Did your DC used to be a hitter/pusher/biter?

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Firstly, apologese if I seem really over the top but my latest toddler issue has really upset me.

DS (2y10m) recently started preschool & been doing well. Then this week at a playgroup another mother accused him of biting her son ( I didn't see the incident as I was on the tea making rota, friends who were keeping an eye on him for me didn't see it or even the mother of the victim, just what the boy involved said). I apologised profusely, it's never happened before. I secretly didn't believe it & DS hasn't the vocab to tell me his version of events.
Then I picked him up from preschool today, for his key worker to tell me he's been spiteful, hitting & pushing other children unprevoked ( her exact phrase )
So it would appear I have a violent 2 year old ( I hate any kind of violence, due to issues when I was younger). I blame myself ( had PND until he was 18 months).

So I ask anyone who has been with children like this, does it change? Or will he always be violent? How do I cope with a child who behaves like this?

Any advice would be great, as I feel so angry with myself that this is where I'm at.

[PrincessSymbian]

Yes, my dd was. She is fine outside of the home now though does tend to be rough with her younger brother!

[Nevercan]

My dd1 was a pusher and my friends son was a biter. All just done out of frustration. Both just take out of the situation and told no pushing etc, say sorry then back to playing. Neither of them do it anymore so just an age thing I think

[Nevercan]

Not sure they can be spiteful at that age. I would of thought preschool were used to that and would offer some ideas to help...

[EyeoftheStorm]

My friend's DS1 was a biter and a pusher at this age. She always dealt with it really well - taking him out of the situation and being firm with him.

It was just a phase he went through. He was late to speak and I wondered if that was something to do with it.

I'm on DC3 now and IME some children go through this phase and others don't. It doesn't mean they're horrible - they just need to channel those feelings a different way.

You need to take your upset out of it and deal with it calmly and firmly like any other behaviour you don't like.

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Thanks for all your input & re assurance this is hopefully just a phase.

I have managed to keep my emotions to myself in front of DS & always deal with behaviour straight away ( although always paranoid others are judging how I deal with the situation).
Obviously I wasn't at pre school when he was doing it today, so couldn't really take him out of the situation etc.
His vocab isn't great, so I do wonder if it's a frustration thing.

As far as the saying sorry part goes, what do you do if DC refuse to say sorry ( even though they can!)? Do you continue to battle for them to say it or say it on their behalf?

[Nevercan]

I would just keep them sat down or away from everyone else until they went over and apologised. If they refused then I would just say oh well we will just have to sit here until you do and watch everyone else having fun.....

[Narrowboat]

Beware of making your child say 'sorry'. I made mine say it did as II was embarrassed when he did something to another child. So now I have a sometimes violent child who knows he can get away with it by l

[Narrowboat]

Ooking cute and saying 'sorr-eeeee'

So now we're focusing on how the other child feels an how they are upset and it's not a kind thing to do. And not bothering with the 'sorry'.

Usually they lash out if they are feeling overwhelmed so removing from the situation and having a cuddle and calm chat about it is probably best.

But some do and so don't and I don't know why.

[twoandfive]

I went through this with my eldest. I ended up getting advice to deal with it as it went on for about a year and he was getting a reputation and was known as 'the mean guy'. It started off from a lack of communication skills but then he started loving the attention and fuss he was getting so continued the behaviour. I basically started removing him from the activity when the behaviour occurred and put him in the corner of the room away from the action. I gave him little attention and said come and join in again when you choose to play nicely. If they start yelling and carrying on you gentle lead them to the spot (chair, corner etc) and just kept repeating the line 'when (name) chooses to play nicely, they can come out'. No eye contact, just repeating the words. I gave instruction for his carers to do the same and within 1 weeks he'd stopped. I was amazed. Hang in there - this phase won't last forever however when you're in it, it feels like forever.

[MogTheForgetfulCat]

Yes, DS1 was - he was quite awful, actually, I used to dread playgroups etc. (not sure why I kept going to them, but I convinced myself that I had to for his 'development') as he would always have someone howling within 5 minutes of getting there, and this would happen several times. He was a shover, used to send them flying . It was an awful time, I waited (not passively - we were taking steps to manage it) and waited for it to pass...and it did. From 3.5 he got much better, and now at nearly 7 he is the sweetest, gentlest boy, really empathetic and thoughtful and I am so, so proud of him . It really doesn't mean that your DS is a nasty boy, or rough, or that he will be violent etc. - it really doesn't mean that at this age. And it will pass.