Baby monitors. what age can you stop using them?

[Ticktock1]

Hi, I do not have any DC's so I don't know but I do have a DSD. She is 3.5 yrs old and is a good sleeper, I have know her 10 months and she has only ever woken up twice, both times when we had just moved house. I ask because the monitor causes me to not sleep, I can hear DSD snoring through the walls let alone through the monitor and last night it started flashing because the room dropped below 18 (DP put the heating back on after) this took ages to stop and by that time I had given up and gone and slept on the sofa. We have to have it with us at all times, even when we nip out the front door for a sneeky fag when she is in bed. The dissition is not mine to get rid of it I understand that but I could bring it up if I know you don't always need one for a 3.5 year old. If you do I will just carry on not sleeping well untill she is older. Many thanks

[ChippingInNeedsCoffee]

DSD's mum cannot insisit you use one in your home, just as your DP cannot insist she doesn't in her home.

Your DP needs to learn to think for himself (ie if her crying would wake you up, you do not need a monitor when you go to bed, though depending on the house I would probably use it until bedtime if she's not used to coming and finding a grown up if she needs one) and he needs to grow a spine. His EX cannot dictate what he does with his DD when she is with him.

[HolyNoSheDittantBatman]

She can't dictate what he does when he's with her, but if she's asked, for her piece of mind, for them to use a monitor I don't see why he needs to be told to 'grow a spine' because he's keeping the peace/trying not to upset the mother of his child. I would imagine it would be best for the child that her mother is happy for her to go to her father and that they don't squabble over unimportant issues.

[ChippingInNeedsCoffee]

Holy - because it's dictatorial for the sake of it. The OP and her DP are the only ones who know if a monitor is needed in their house. It is unnecessary and it is keeping the OP awake. The childs mother does not have the right to inflict that on them and he needs to grow a spine to tell her he will decide if he needs a monitor in his house or not.

[StrawberrytallCAKE]

Hardly inflicting it on someone asking them to have a monitor to hear if their child is in distress is it?? It sounds pretty sensible to me and if me and dh were in the same situation right now I would ask him to have a monitor. I think it is absolutely within her rights to ask that a monitor is used and if he were to request an extra safety measure to be used at his ex wife's house then it should also be accommodated. FFS looking after a child should be done in a united way and in the best interests of the mother, father and child. It annoys me that this new partner even has a say. Hey how about if you don't like listening out for this poor little child who is probably struggling with it's parents not being together whilst your out having a fag (classy) you leave?

[HolyNoSheDittantBatman]

'because it's dictatorial for the sake of it'

You don't know that. I agree that they probably don't need a monitor, but who is completely rational and logical at all times when it comes to their DC's safety? Maybe she worries about her DD when she's at her dad's house and knowing they have the monitor comforts her a bit. Fair enough, no? Not causing an argument and upsetting his ex is not a sign of being spineless.

[ChippingInNeedsCoffee]

Strawberry - did you actually read the thread? Did you actually read the bits where the OP can hear the child through the wall - she doesn't need a bloody monitor FGS. It's not that she doesn't like listening out for the child, it's that she can hear the child without the monitor and the monitor is keeping her awake - and it's not needed. As I suggested, they can use the monitor while they are awake - in the sitting room or out having a fag and turn it off when they go to bed in the next room where they can hear her.

Holy - o how many years should the OP be kept awake by a monitor they don't need to use as she can hear the child without it?

[HolyNoSheDittantBatman]

I think they need to find some middle ground. I think the OP telling her DP that he needs to 'grow a spine' and him telling his ex 'you can't dictate what I do, I will not use it' is not going to help them find a happy medium.

I would suggest they talk to the ex about getting a different monitor with quieter settings or leaving it outside the door so that it's nearer than his DD is (more able to hear her), but not right in the OP's ear. Or the OP could get some earplugs. Or they could explain nicely 'we can hear her through the wall' and turn it off when they're in bed, but take it out when they're smoking etc.

It's not a case of 'grow a spine and tell her NO' or be kept awake for the forseeable future.

[Ticktock1]

Wow ok! Yes the monitor does keep me awake, I don't mean just a little bit I mean for hours BUT I did take on board one of the post regarding a quiter monitor which the light can be turned off on. I purchased one this weekend. We will see how that goes. I asked for advice because I have no idea and am still learning about these things. Yes I now get that when we go for a smoke and are upstairs in the evening we should have the monitor, we have a very open plan modern house and you can pretty much hear everything plus DSD's bedroom door is always left open. I do actually care more a bout her than smoking and that was a perticually judgey comment. We only ever have one after she has gone to bed. Thank you all for your helpful advice. I shall be using a quiter monitor untill its decided she doesn't need one.

[Ticktock1]

Also I never intended to tell anyone 'that's it I'm not using it anymore' I did say I know its not up to me, I am aware of my place in things. I think a happy medium has been reached and that was the reason I was asking for advice. When you go from having no DC's to looking after a 3yr old there are certainly going to be gaps in your knowlage, I figure its better to ask advice somewhere like MumsNet than to just stay uneducated.

[ChippingInNeedsCoffee]

Ticktock - I hope that works well for you - it's awful being kept awake.

Whenever you post, you just have to take the information/advice that suits you and ignore the rest. You also have to learn to ignore the people who make nasty comments about things that aren't even related to your question (ie the smoking) & not take it personally.

Stick around - you'll get used to it :)

[Ticktock1]

Thank you ChippingInNeedsCoffee, now that is good advice!

[HolyNoSheDittantBatman]

That sounds like a really good solution ticktock

[StrawberrytallCAKE]

Blah. Everyone has their own opinions..that is what is also good about mumsnet!

[AvaMaria]

I used a monitor with ds1 up until he was about 2. When I had dd I thought it would be a bit mad to have a newborn and a monitor my room. To be honest any noise ds makes wakes me up, I leave his door and my own ajar so I can hear him and he is across the hallway. As long as you can hear dsd then I think you should drop the monitor, you don't need to tell exw, it is your house and DH has parental responsibility and surely you should decide as a couple what you doin your home. I agree that dsd is too old to need the monitor. I certainly sleep much better not having it in my room, I don't like too many electrical things on in the bedroom anyway. Good luck

[Ticktock1]

StrawberrytallCAKE you are most certainly entitled to your opinion and your idea in the first post was a good one, I took notice and bought a quiter monitor, I wasn't complaining about taking it ouside with us I was giving all the information. Its not nice to be acused of prefering smoking to your DSD welfare and that really isn't the case, it most certainly isn't a reason to leave! I think maybe if a was a BM some of the replys may have been different. Although the overwhelming majority have suportive and very useful. Thank you so much and here's to a good nights sleep!

[lynniep]

When I had DS1 we had it on constantly ( I was completely paranoid as we nearly lost him at birth). I cant remember when I stopped having it in the room with me at night time - I think when he got to about 2 - but still used it in the evenings as when the telly is on we cant really hear crying upstairs. For DS2 we still have it on in the evenings, but I dont have it on at night. He is only next door so I can hear him. I'm slightly less paranoid about him (but only slightly lol) At 3.5 there really is no need for it overnight, especially if only in the next room. However if you have to have one, I agree purchase one that you can alter the settings of.

[StrawberrytallCAKE]

I think my last post was more in response to chipping who seemed to be being unfairly harsh on your dp's ex.

I was a bit of a knob about the smoking thing so I am sorry I just really dislike smoking too but each to their own.

[Ticktock1]

StrawberrytallCAKE it is a disgusting habit and I don't blame you at all for disliking it. I'm glad this thread ended well. I'm less frazzled from lack of sleep now too

[schroedingersdodo]

Please, just be quiet. It's not your child, it's none of your business. I wouldn't want to let my child sleep in the house of a woman who is trying to influence the dad like that.

[schroedingersdodo]

sorry for being unpleasant. I just put myself in the shoes of the mother/ex-wife, and I think it's a delicate situation.

[Ticktock1]

schroedingersdodo that is such an uninformed reply I'm not going to rise to it. I'm leaving this thread now, I have found a solution thanks to some good advice and even though some people think I'm some evil stepmother I actually went shopping for the new moniter with my DSD's mum as we get on fine and can work together to make DSD life good.

[schroedingersdodo]

well, I'm sorry, and glad to know I was so wrong.