Very bizarre conversation with my 4 year old - am I reading too much into it?

[Beccarollo]

Hi

Had a very bizarre conversation this morning with Megan, 4. She said to me, out of the blue "Mummy there is something wrong with me" in a very sad voice. I said what is wrong with you darling she said "There is something very wrong with me, I keep being naughty and I dont know why".

Bit of background, she HAS been being much naughtier recently, defiant, often angry, disobediant, cheeky etc etc and got a new baby 10 weeks ago and a new school in one week.

I went on to talk to her about it and asked her how it made her feel when she was naughty she said very very very very very very very angry inside her stomach and it made her want to be naughty but then being naughty made her want to cry. I said what kind of things make you sad she said when I cant play on the computer, when I cant watch television, when you wont stop feeding the baby. I said what kind of things make you happy she said playing with my toys, playing with you, watching videos etc. She also said when im sad i just want to go to nanas and not come back here - I asked what would be good about being at Nana's she said because Nana can just play with me and never sends me to my room.

Also today she said that she wishes I would go back to work and let DP look after her and DS!

The bits that worry me are the "Mammy there is something wrong with me" and her saying that she feels very very very very angry when she is naughty"

She is very intelligent, too much so I often think in that when she talks she seems so much more wordly wise than I think a just turned 4 yr old should be!

What do you think?

[codswallop]

IS this reflecting your domestic "upheavals"?

remember when we were kids our mums would have said - of course not and not thought anything abou t it!!

[Beccarollo]

That was my first thought coddy - not sure which upheaval though!!!! The baby, the nursery, the curry fights (not that she has been witness to these but as I said in my other post she was woken by arguing on sunday night)

Im not sure if it might be a very clever way on her part to have permission to be naughty - if she is aware that she is being naughty but says mummy i dont know why its happening she may think I cant tell her off because its not her fault!!?? Are 4 year olds capable off such canniving ways?

Obviously Im dealing with problems between DP and I so she wont be exposed to any of them again but do you think there is anything else I should/could do or should I make like our mothers and say of course not and be done with it!!

Funnily enough she has been much better the last few days.

[princesspeahead]

becca I don't think she has any ulterior motive for saying it = I think 4 is too young.
I think you have to just tell her that you always love her, even when she is naughty, although sometimes you don't like the naughty things that she does. and maybe try and get her t talk a bit about what is making her angry. maybe also tell her that sometimes you get angry in your stomach and it makes you want to be naughty, but that you try to make the angry feeling go away by thinking of nice things.
I think it is great that she is talking to you about it, and that she obviously isn't happy being naughty! maybe be extra sure to praise her every time she is being good rather than just criticising her when she is naughty (something that I do a lot without realising it, especially when I'm busy. then I realise that I've said nothing to my 5 yr old dd all day but "don't" and "stop" and "PLEASE don't do that", and haven't particularly praised her when she has been quiet or sweet or helpful)

[Beccarollo]

Thanks PPH - I have been doing positive reinforcement as much as possible and for anything even remotely good and it has helped a lot, its funny she should say something when she isnt actually being as bad as she was.

I was writing the stuff down as she said it (she asked me to) then we swapped and did role play with her as the mummy and the way she was talking to me was quite telling - quite strict and cold - maybe I havent been as patient and caring with her as I usually am with relationship and new baby stress to deal with as well. Will try harder!

[LIZS]

Perhaps she is just looking to you to acknowledge her anger and comfort her that it is all right to feel that way but she needs to "channel" it. Our ds went through a similar sort of time - we moved, new baby (despite being well prepared for it, new school - and also misbehaved, testing the boundaries. He wasn't specifically jealous of the baby, upset by the move or disliked his new school but I think it had the overall effect of unsettling him. He never articulated it (he was 3.5) but his behaviour would result in him being directed to his room to find his "happy head" when cheeky, rude, aggressive or downright grumpy. It was not as a punishment more of a cooling off place and now, 2 yrs on, he still occasionally takes himself off to look at books in a particular corner of his room when he feels the need. If you can find a similar vent for her feelings perhaps she could start to feel better about herself.

hth

[janh]

Could you get her an angry cushion, becca? Something big and squashy she could go and thump when she has some pent-up aggression to unpent? Some kids just do have more anger than others and acknowledging hers, letting her know it is OK to be angry but giving her a safe way to let it out might help her.

My kids feel like your DD about their grandma (my MIL). I have always been quite a cross mummy and their grandma isn't, even if they have been naughty she has dealt with them in a much kinder way than me (youngest is 10 now so "naughty" doesn't really happen any more) and she always has plenty of time for them.

[janh]

sorry, LIZS, that's pretty much what you said!

[Beccarollo]

The Nanna in question not only isnt cross she is a complete and utter walk over!!! In fact I had to limit the time she spends with her as she just refuses to discipline her in anyway. Every shop she goes into with her she is allowed to pick anything she wants, she is never ever punished for bad behaviour, is allowed to eat what she wants and stay up as long as she wants etc etc

NO WONDER she would rather be there than boring, nasty Mummy who expects her to be kind and polite, eat her dinner, go to bed at reasonable time, get dressed etc etc

Angry cushion is a good idea - I was thinking of a behaviour book as mentioned on another thread but something that she knows she is allowed to express anger with would help surely.

Thanks!

[aloha]

I think your daughter is very good at articulating her feelings and I think you should be congratulated for that and so should she. I agree with PPH you should say that you can understand how she feels - that you too get feelings like that, and to talk about them, about feeling angry and upset, but also say that it doesn't mean it is OK to draw on walls and shout at mummy. maybe ask her how she thinks she could feel happier in her tummy - she might have some good ideas like Lizs little boy with his books. And you could also suggest things as PPH said, that when you feel angry you take a deep breath or come and tell mummy how you feel and we'll find something else to do, or she could do something she likes to do, like play with a favourite toy or give her teddy a hug or something. BTW I think there's nothing wrong with her feeling very angry - that's human. I think you could tell her that it's OK to feel angry but not to do angry things. And by saying 'mummy, there's something wrong with me" she's saying that she isn't happy, that she doesn't feel in control of her feelings and wants you to help, which I think is really mature. And I think the fact that you are giving all that positive reinforcement is really working because now she feels able to talk to you about her feelings and you don't do that if you feel really angry or upset with someone.

BTW I also think it's normal to say 'she doesn't know why' - I don't know anyone who always knows exactly why they do what they do!

[kmg1]

I agree with aloha - it is fantastic that she can articulate her feelings in this way. DS1 at 4 used to get very angry, but at that age would not talk about it at all. He would never even say 'I feel sad'. My youngest is a lot better at talking about feelings, and it does help all round.

[Beccarollo]

Thankyou everyone - I immediately took this to be negative but now I have seen with your posts that its actually a positive thing that she can verbalise these feelings

Before I put her to bed earlier, I mentioned the conversation earlier and told her it was fine to feel angry sometimes as everybody does but its not ok to do bad things because your angry. I said if your ever angry, tell mummy and we can see what we can do to help it and if you ever just get really, really angry you can come in your room and punch the pillows to get rid of it and out of your system - her eyes lit up at this bit and she said "Mum Im feeling reaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyy angry" so she had a good old punch for 5 minutes (laughing as she went) then finished saying "I feel better now, night night, love you" So it was a really positive end to the day and hopefully something we can build on. I think the angry pillow will come in very handy.

Becca
xxx

[oliveoil]

Beccarollo - your dd sounds lovely, its made me long for conversations with my little one

[mammya]

How about suggesting she draws an angry picture when she is feeling angry? That would help her in externalising the anger and might also help giving you clues as to why she is angry.

[Blu]

Aaaaaah! Bless her! She sounds delightful, and I think it is absolutely brilliant that you and she are able to talk in this way. It sounds as if you responded REALLY well, getting her to give examples of hw she feels when. I agree with PPH and Aloha through and through, and maybe you could tell her that you still love HER when you are feeding the baby, just as she till loves you even tho she is with Nanna.

[Beccarollo]

Can I just thank everyone who replied to this thread - your comments made me cry! I dont think anyone has ever congratulated me on my parenting skill and I tend to always feel inadequate when I rate myself against all other mothers! I always think everyone else must find it easy/not shout/have a tidy house etc etc so when she was coming out with this stuff I automatically thought it was something wrong, something I had done but now Im looking at it in a positive light that its great she can externalise her feelings to me in this way.