Am crazy with rage.....4 year old DS

[sunshineandshowers]

...Has absolutely no respect for anyone.

He is always shouting, screaming, whining, crying, shouting. I ask him the same thing 50 times before he listens. I am so demoralised. He eats well, I play with him 1 to 1 every day.

DH just got him out the bath, I was putting the baby to bed who was v tired. He didn't want to get out, so shouts, and when I say shouts, its a throaty scream the loudest you have ever heard. Then he kicks and pushes the bathroom door and it smashes against a wall. If I am honest I am getting a bit scared of him. I would never ever ever have hit a door when I was a child. I just don't understand it.

He is also totally incapable of being quiet. If DD is having a nap, he will be purposefully noisy.

What am I doing wrong? We are consistent. We use the naughty step, we try to never threaten without carrying thro (sometimes mess up), and we also have a stones in the pot system, one stone in for doing something nice, out for bad. We use this for low level behaviour. WHen pot filled gets some lego.

Please help me.

[sunshineandshowers]

Hi,

We had an incident this evening. We had to take DD to the Docs. He was moody about going. I let him watch the end of the programme he was watching, still screamed at me. Was fine in the Docs, but on way out...as I am typing this I can see where I have gone wrong!...he went mad, started punching me, hitting me. I had given DD a fun pack of smarties in the docs as Doc had to look in her eyes, and she was not happy. I did not give him any. He had had a biscuit after lunch and tea was approaching. So I could have avoided this by being better prepared with toys for her, or just deciding sod it, he can have some too.

BUT, what could I have done when he was hitting me. I felt I had nothing. I held his wrist, took him outside the doors and told him his beviour was unacceptable. I then distracted him. I said naughty step when we get home. When we got home he went mad when I said get on ns and again hit me, punched me. He eventually went voluntarily (after 2/3 mins) screaming. Is this normal? The only children I knew like this when I was growing up (admittedly I don't remember at 4, prob older), were all boys, but were v bad boys, who were widely known as being badly behaved.

Now, we have had hitting (only ever me or DH or DD) before, but for the last 6 weeks I have had none. Since I have been ignoring most of the irritating behaviour of the last 2 days (getting down from table during lunch) and only punishing aggression. Has he realised this is now the only way to get my attention?

For the majority of the day he is great, we just have flash points and today we had 3 (described above).

Davsmum How do I get him to listen? If I have asked him twice. I have started doing positive asking the last 2 days. Instead of "We can't go out till you are dressed" I say "When you are dressed we will go out".

Thanks for all your help.

[masterbaker]

Sounds so familiar. I thought they were supposed to be over tantrums at 4??? Mine never had tantrums like this at 2.
Anyway, my tips from experience: (1) naughty step alone isn't working if behaviour continues. Try an escalator (e.g. double time for continued shouting; naughty chair in bedroom for still continuing). Take away favourite toy (not comforter) for worst offence.

(2) If you choose the one very worst behaviour and hammer down on that with the above steps and constantly labelling it the worst naughtiness and not ever acceptable even if you are very angry, it will make a difference. My son's was headbutting (oh yes) and he has stopped when I did the above, after months of me stuggling in vain.

That's as far as I've got - still working on my son!

[captainmummy]

I've got 3 boys - and they do need more discipline and firmness that girls i think. It doesn't hurt them to see that you are annoyed, even MAD angry. I never needed to smack, but there is a 'look' that comes into my eye when I am nearing the end.......

[Davsmum]

Sunshine&Showers.
You DS will not 'listen' overnight - It will take time. He is in the habit of ignoring you and trying to frustrate you because it gets a reaction - i.e. he sees he has some control over you.
I always used to let my DS & DD know what we were going to do - make sure you give them notice. If a child is absorbed in playing and you suddenly say 'Get dressed' they are likely react with frustration and resistance.
Once your DS has been told that he will need to get dressed in 10 minutes
( or whatever) Then remind him after 5 minutes. It doesn't matter if he pretends he has not heard you - He will have.

If he ignores you when its 'time' I am afraid you will have to take hold of him, remind him that you have told him what was expected and then dress him yourself if need be. He has to see that you meant what you said - i.e. he will get dressed when YOU decide, whether he does it or you do it.
If he gets used to the fact that what you expect ends up happening - over time he will likely cooperate - because there is no point in not doing so.

[Lucyarchie]

Hi how long did this phase last we are just going through it :(