Honest to the point of rude

[Whatisitthistime]

Any tips on how I can deal with my ds.

If he doesn't like someone (for example a classmate) he will avoid them, if asked by an adult (teacher/classroom assistant/parent etc) why he won't play with x.

He will respond with 'I don't like them because of ...'

The because of can be 'they are immature, they bore me, they smell or whatever reason'.

This has got him into trouble, and has caused other parents to take offence. He doesn't mean to cause offence, he doesn't say it unless directly asked the question.

His responses are fact.

If it's they are immature they do act younger than their age, if they bore him they bore him, if they smell they do smell.

How can I help him, what is an acceptable response? Is there an acceptable response?

[Playingwithbuses]

Sorry down to the practical advice, you just need to tell him "thats a bit rude and will upset people darling", he needs to be told not to say personal things about people,

but if you are not prepared to tell him off for being "honest" what other advice can we give you???

[Hullygully]

Sorry, it was meant to be brief, not harsh!

Just tell him the truth:

In order for a large number of people to live tightly packed together on a small island, we need to behave in ways that aren't going to upset each other. Kindness, tact and sensitivity oil the wheels of social intercourse and make this possible. Honesty, in and of itself, is not always a virtue.

[Whatisitthistime]

He already goes to beavers. He's in a football and rugby squad. He interacts as a team player, and regularly gets POM awards.

But he will not socialise with these people, and this is where I need to work with him.

He doesn't leave other kids out, he is the one who removes himself.

It's the response to the question that we needed to work on, and that is covered as he is now going to say 'I would like to be on my own', knowing him he will probably add on the end 'because I'm an antisocial sod'.

[Whatisitthistime]

But I have told him that what he has said is unacceptable, and that it upsets people, and makes them think badly of him.

I said that when people ask why he won't play with someone, he should not make it personal, he should keep it about him, that he wants to be on his own, or he doesn't want to play with anyone at the moment.

He understands now that's what he's got to say.

The point about the honesty was, that I have taught him, that when an adult asks him a question he always has to answer with the truth.

This has come about due to problems with his teenager sibling telling lies to cover up something to us, and we have got angry with her, not for what she has done but for the lies that she has told us. So whilst we have been telling her to answer all questions with the truth, he's been having that lecture as well (not directly but has heard us repeatedly telling her).

Now I am telling him not to answer the question honestly. Because there are some questions that aren't answered honestly. But to be able to do all scenarios of: if someone asks you this question you answer honestly, if someone asks you this question you answer with a politician's answer, is very difficult when a child is very black and white.

But like I say he now knows the answer to "why won't you play?"

[Playingwithbuses]

So you already sorted out the problem with him and are not looking for advise on how to deal with it. You know perfectly well what is not acceptable, you just feel bad for telling off and correcting you perfect alpha child.

It is yourself that needs to learn that pure honesty to the point of being rude is not always appropriate. I would tell off a 4 year old if they declared another child was smelly or boring.


IME kids are very versatile and understand and accept that they can't point out others failings and differences. Very young children of nursery age learn this and are capable of this. They also learn that the way the talk to different people and behave in different places has to vary too, what is acceptable in the playground isn't in the classroom and how you talk to granny is different from talking to your friends.

[Whatisitthistime]

I was looking for advice yesterday on how to deal with it, I was given that advice last night by posters, I spoke to him this morning using the advice given.

And posted an update post to say, thanks for advice, he now knows what he is to respond, I pointed out that he was upset for thinking he was doing the right thing and discovering it was the wrong thing, and I was saying in todays post, I find that a difficult thing to convey as so many different scenarios as to when you should be honest to a direct question, and when not.

He's not perfect and I am not perfect, but that is why I was looking for advice.

If I thought we were right then I would not want to be changing anything and not asking for advice.

And for whatever reason, he has missed out on this 'education' from nursery and I am now looking to educate him now.

He's not a completed work, and neither am I, and we are both continuing to improve.

[Whatisitthistime]

Just to clarify if he had ever just come out and said to another person 'You are boring me'. He would have been in trouble and would know it, therefore he does not say this, and as I am as aware never has.

When he has walked off due to being bored, he has probably thought to himself 'you are boring me', but has never said it, and has just removed himself from the situation.

When he has been challenged as to why he is removing himself - 'why aren't you playing with x?' He and I now understand that the response is 'i would prefer to play by myself now thank you'. His response up until this morning would have been 'because x is boring me'.

We have both learnt a great deal from this post, so despite the criticisms for posting, I still feel that it was very worthwhile me asking for the advice.

[thisisyesterday]

if pushed he could also use things like "i don't really get on with him/her" or somethjing like that.

[thisisyesterday]

btw OP I think you've had some really harsh replies on this thread and you've taken it really well (imo!)
it's nothing that you have done wrong I don't think. some children are very literal, and some take a while longer than others to learn what is and isn't socially acceptable.

your son has been told not to lie, so he has told the truth.
other children of his age may already have realised that being that honest could have repercussions... but many haven't, especially if they've never been put in that situation before.

you should stress to him that he is still being honest by saying he doesn't want to play with whoever, or talk to them... he just doesn't have to give explicit reasoning. it isn't lying to keep some info back

[Whatisitthistime]

Thank you for the advice and support thisisyesterday.

Thanks for the confirmation he's not a bad lad chippingin, just got to iron out a few of the creases.