Adult name change not really worked, what now?

[ErnestTheBavarian]

After much helpful input here, I changed my name a few months ago.

I have always hated my given name. I kept wanting to change for my whole life.

i finally got brave enough to do it. Lots of people on here were really encouraging.

Anyway, I did it, and it hasn't really worked. dh now doesn't call me anything, just 'dear' all the time which is odd and unnatural, and leaves me disappointed each time. sil calls me by my new name, but I know, even after months it's an effort and while the new name comes out of her mouth, my original name is what she thinks iyswim. ditto for fil, except he slips into old name when he's had a drink.

So I don't really feel it's worked, and feel like a no name idiot. dh still takes the piss - if we're filling out a form he'll ask ' what are you called today', or 'changed your mind again?'. I know he's just teasing blah balh blah

So anyway, do I just accept that those nearest to me will never get it and carry on anyway, or give up and just re use my much hated original name with my tail between my legs?

Feels like it's gone badly wrong and not sure if I should keep plodding on, or give up and accept my given name is what I'm stuck with?

[halia]

stick with it, after years of being known by one nickname I dallied with another for about 6 months before settling on the one that 'felt right'.
It is actually a big deal because its not a normal short version of my full name but it is right for me.
I changed my hotmail, my signing etc and people are getting used to it.
It takes time but keep at it.

[fedupintheoffice]

When my friend changed her name from Johannah to Jodie, it was really strange and even now, many years on I still sometimes think of her as Johannah, but do stick with it and i'm sure people will get used to it. Laura is a beautiful name. It reminds me of pretty flowers in green meadows (Laura Ashley!!!)

[birdofthenorth]

Stick with it, people will get used to it in time and start to associate your new name with your identity more and more. I know an adult friend who changed her name, and it was definately odd for people to get used to it at first, because an adult's memory links words to images (eg mental images/ memories of you) automatically. In a couple of years however people will really know you as Laura and will find it odd you were ever called something else.

Alternatively, I do think ErnestTheBavarian is a BRILLIANT name, perhaps you could go with that!!

[pixiestix]

Definitely stick with it. An adult friend of mine changed his name to something very very wacky unusual recently and everyone was - three months later and I hardly remember he was ever anything else.
Laura is a lovely name - don't give it up, just because its not seen as "the norm" to change.

[kitsmummy]

It looks like it's just me who thinks this, but I do find it a very odd concept, changing your name in your adult years. I'm not surprised everyone's finding it difficult to adapt to it to be honest. If it was me I think I would probably have changed my name slightly to a nickname. That would make more sense to me ifswim? Not wanting to be a bitch or anything, just trying to show you how it's probably quite hard for your family to suddenly change how they think of you/refer to you.

[MmeGuisingt]

I agree with everyone else, stick with it.

Laura is such a lovely name, very elegant. Do give your DH a good kicking talking to. Tell him how important it is to you and that you do not appreciate his pisstaking.

My DH can be like that sometimes, takes the piss until I get annoyed then accuses me of not taking a joke.

I can take a joke, just not unfunny ones.

[ninedragons]

Stick it out, Laura. Maybe namechange for a few months on here to reinforce it in your head - last weekend I saw a review of a book called Nine Dragons and thought for a fleeting moment eh? WTF? oh. It's not a book about me.

I have a friend who changed her name in her late 20s. I admit it it did take a while before the new name came out without pause, but now I find it difficult to imagine she was ever anything else.

Tell your DH to knock the piss-taking on the head, or you'll start dropping needling remarks about the size of his penis. It's important to you and he shouldn't be undermining you.

[wheniwishuponastar]

i say stick with it, as it sounds like you have really good reasons for doing it. can you do some sort of re-naming ceremony? so that it feels official for you and everyone else. maybe get it to coincide with when the official change happens. i think the official deed poll time will be important, when you change your passport and bank details. then it will be official. you can explain why its important to you. you know its a bit funny for some people and will take some getting used to, but you will really appreciate everyone's effort.

i would make an announcement of some kind.

a friend of mine 'changed' her name, though not officially, and didn't explain it at all. it was quite annoying, and insulting. that she wanted us to call her something different, but didn't give us any explanation, or ask us if we could please call her this from now on. none of her old friends really speak to her anymore. not just cos of that, but because she treats everyone with a lack of respect. the name change wasn't a problem, but the way she handled it.

i think it can be handled well, and you are entitled to feel good about your name. just think of the best way of handling it. do you still speak to your parents?

[TheDevilEatsBabies]

Hi Laura,

I didn't see the original thread, but I have to agree with everyone else who says stick at it.
it's really hard for people to get used to a new name, that's how they've known you for ages. my little sister now goes by a shortened version of her name and when i try to call her by her long name she goes mad and corrects me lots. i think i can be forgiven cos i only see her once a year!

just remind everyone of your new name when they use your old name and it'll stick.

it'll be easier when your name is changed officially as they'll have no recourse.

and kick gently prod DH everytime he teases you about it, that's just not fair.

(and Laura's a lovely name, really classy )

[voulezvou]

My sister changed her name when she was 16 and it took well over a year for everyone to call her it and not slip up so you need to be much more patient than you are. It is very difficult for people to who have been saying it since they've known you, especially close family and friends, not to slip up initially. I do think your OH is being awful and you really need to talk to him about this. Is he this insensitive in all areas?

[bitofadramaqueen]

Hi Ernest! Really pleasedto hear you went ahead with the name change, I remember you talking about in on here a long while back.

I think you should defintely stick with it. I would have thought that if you felt you had to change it back you might feel really resentful and that would cause a whole new set of issues. Laura is a lovely name, I'm sure everyone will get used to it in time.

[sockmonster]

Laura is a beautiful name, it will take a long time for those close to you to stop taking the piss making a joke out of it, imagine for example your DH was named Harry and he suddenly tells you 'gee I hate my name from now on I am Tom' or whatever, it would take you a long time to assimilate with the new name and use it. But persevere, please do, Laura is a lovely name and in 5 or 10 years time or whatever nobody will ever think of you as anything else.

[admylin]

It was very easy here in Germany Ernest but yes, dh was a German citizen by then so unless you try for German citizenship you will be looking at mega pounds to do it officially through the consulat . That is a pain.

By the way I always liked your old name (on email you sent once!) but Laura is lovely too!

[hellocloudshellosky]

Hang in there! I've got a transgendered friend who I knew both before and after they transitioned, and it has taken me a long time to get used to them having a new name, but I'm much more used to it now than I ever thought I would be. Very gradually, when I picture their face, I came to think of their new name and not their old one. And that was with them having changed gender as well which was an extra thing to get used to!

Your friends and family probably all feel a bit self-conscious and weird about using your new name - you could try acknowledging that to them and saying how much you appreciate the effort, but reassuring them that the absolute quickest way to the name coming naturally will be practice practice practice. So the sooner they bite the bullet and do it, the better. The idea of putting a pound in a jar for each mistake sounds great!

Lovely choice of name by the way.

[qumquat]

As a Laura I'm feeling a warm glow reading this thread, I'm really lucky I love my name! I think you're doing really well Laura, my mum tried to change her first name and gave up in despair when people kept calling her by her old name, she always regretted not being more bullish and refusing to answer to the old name until they got the message.

[GinSlinger]

My name was changed many years ago by my parents- forename and surname - complicated story but I was pleased enough for it to happen. It took quite a long time for people in the extended family to get used to it - we made a bit of a game of it than when people used the wrong name they had to put a penny in the jar. I found that the more I met different people who new me as Gin the easier it became. It is only this thread that reminded me that I used to have an entirely different name.

To summarise, now that I've talked about myself, keep going with it for longer and if people tease you or get it wrong suggest that they should stick a pound in the gin jar.

good luck, Laura.

[schroeder]

I changed my surname informaly years ago and it was fine; used it for work and banks with no problems as long as I declared on forms what it had been before.

You can go by whatever name you like. I wish I'd had the guts to change my first name too which I hate, but could never decide what I liked better.

Keep at a few months isn't really enough time for people to get used to it I'm afraid.

[hupa]

Great name Ernsest - I agree with the others to just give it time and have a word with dh to start using your new name.

I have to say I thought it would be a nightmare in Germany to change your name given how much paperwork seems to be involved in the simplest task, so it´s good to hear that it´s not that complicated.

[ErnestTheBavarian]

ooh, that's interesting Ad, wasn't sure if I would have to do it in Germany or UK? Is your dh registered as German or British?

Thanks again to you, neenz, everybody with their encouragement atc. will happily give dh a slap

[admylin]

We were also in Germany at the time!

[admylin]

Ernest, dh changed his name officially just after we met. He went to the Rathaus to do it and they gave him a certificate which had their official stamp on the front and back (no idea why!)then we copied that about 10 times and went back to the Rathaus and they put their stamp on the copies to say they were true copies and we sent the copies out to banks, insurances, passport/Ausweis places and work.

Took a while until he stopped getting post with his old name but it was worth it.

[iwascyteenagewerewolf]

Definitely stick it out. My best friend and her sister changed their names as young teens, for various reasons, and both of them say they wouldn't even turn their heads if someone called their old names in the street now. It does take time but it will stick with everyone eventually. Do give your DH a slap gentle reminder to sort himself out though

Laura is a gorgeous name and much underused. Enjoy it!

[lisianthus]

Stick it out Laura (lovely, elegant name, btw). As everyone else is saying, it takes a while. If you equate it to businesses changing their names, you can see that with some people, it takes longer that others to automatically think of the right name, but it gets there in the end.

[SkivingViking]

My little brother changed name and it took quite a while for it to feel 'normal'. Nowadays, I can't imagine him at all as his previous name - it just doesn't fit.

Just stick with it and keep emphasising (as people said, in email addresses, messages etc)

The teasing comments from DH would hurt me a bit too (I have a DH who teases a lot and sometimes it can go too far although he does it without realising it). I'd tell him how much this means to you and can he tease about something else that doesn't mean so much to you as him taking the piss about this actually hurt (or something along those lines).

Good luck!

[neenz]

Hi Ernest! Stick with it, it will take time - I am sure everyone understands exactly why you changed so it's not like your ILs are thinking 'wtf?' After a few years it will just be normal to them.

I think you should definitely tell Dh that you want him to call you by your new name and tell him how important it is - it probably just feels a bit odd right now but he'll get used to it. I think you did the right thing changing.

Good luck!