Am I bad mum if I still can’t call my daughter her name?

[Chubbycheekslg]

I’ve struggled with my whole birthing experience, nothing went to plan for me including my daughters name.

She’s 11 months old, and I refer to her as babs or beautiful, everyone else refers to her as her name so there’s no confusion for her. I’ve even had it tattooed to accept it, but yet I still can’t say it. I’m in therapy currently, but I guess I’m just wanting an opinion on whether I’m a bad mum since I can’t call her her name?

[Crabbity]

OP, I changed my baby’s name, it’s really not as much of an effort as you’d think, especially under a year, even less so if you’re in Scotland. You’ve still got a couple of weeks in hand if you want to go down this route.

[TangledWebOfDeception]

@Chubbycheekslg

You could practice it until it feels more natural/the negative feelings subside.

Maybe once a day at lunchtime or another time when you’re doing something else too so it’s not a big deal.

You could also try gently putting it into a positive sentence when you’re feeling very cosy/happy/contented. So if you’re snuggling in bed together on a Saturday morning, for example maybe you could say ‘I love you so much, (name) you’re my precious little babs’. Then shower her in kisses and hugs. This will help to build a more positive feeling around voicing her name. If it’s too hard to say it out loud, start by saying it in your head - your mind still hears it.

[IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads]

@Chubbycheekslg I get it, I think, a bit.

I had a very traumatic birth with my second child. Lots of blood. Feral heart monitor flatlined.General anasethic. Crash section. She was 4 hours old when I came round and the words in my head when I woke up were "is the baby alive?". I needed further surgery when she was a few days old, and then was constantly unwell for about 6 months. And whilst o adored my 3 yo DS, I struggled to bond with my non-sleeping baby, who also had a name I didn't love. DH and I had agreed it, but I didn't love it.

The attachment came as I healed, physically and mentally, it was a slow burn, but we got there. One of the turning points was a birth-debrief. And as I got used to my daughter, her name became hers. It didnt take long for her name to become "her" by default, even though it was weird and difficult at first. It was a bit like accepting that this person that caused you so much trauma is yours, personally.

[Twoinapod]

I’m sure you posted about this not so long ago. It’s good that you are in therapy. Have you looked at having a debrief of your birth with a midwife? You can request one and it can be very helpful in coming to terms with everything that happened

[WonderingWanda]

Nothing to add but just wanted to say sorry that you had such a traumatic time. It will take time for this to heal and you are in no way a bad mother. 💐

[Chubbycheekslg]

@GoneToday Thank you for being understanding! There is a lot behind it, it’d take me a week to go through the ins and outs haha. We’ve been through the possibility of changing it but there’s a lot to that too and so it’s staying as what it is. That’s a good idea though, she did end up with the middle name we both planned so I might start calling her that, it’s just so strange saying a name at all now. I am trying to work through this with a therapist, but I guess it takes time.

[LimitlessSky]

It sounds like you have been through a lot. No, you are not a bad mum.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but as your partner picked the name does it feel like the name almost represents everything you went through during the birth and post-birth?
Woukd your partner be willing to change your baby’s name if you explained how you felt? Has he been supportive?

[WashableVelvet]

You’re not a bad mum. You also wouldn’t be a bad mum if you decided to change her name to something that doesn’t stir up such difficult memories. And you also wouldn’t be a bad mum if you sought some trauma therapy - I did a type called ‘Rewind’ which has been studied in birth trauma and was used by my hospital.

[PinkityPink]

Why did your partner use that terrible circumstance to trump your joint choice with his own?

[Chubbycheekslg]

I never picked her name, me and my partner planned a name but then I ended up incredibly unwell and spent the first month of her life essentially in hospital so she ended up with the name he preferred and I guess I was too busy trying to get home to be a mum I went along with it. There’s more to it but that’s what I meant by didn’t go to plan. Every time I try to say it I feel nauseous and my chest tightens.

[GoneToday]

This sounds really hard for you and I presume there is a difficult back story as to why your DD was named something you didn’t want.
She is young enough to change her name if you like, maybe using her middle name? You would start by having to call her the two names - eg if switching from Ella to Jess start calling her ‘Ella Jess’ for a while before switching to just ‘Jess’.
Maybe some counselling would help you work through the difficulties around her birth too.

[TangledWebOfDeception]

No. You’re not a bad mother. You need time to heal.

[LimitlessSky]

What’s wrong with your baby’s name? I don’t understand why you can’t say it?

[Lsquiggles]

What do you mean her name didn't go according to plan?