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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Naming son after father in law who passed away...

56 replies

Mamaofdos · 30/09/2019 02:03

My father in law passed away sadly last year. My husband is keen to name baby after him. But I can’t help feeling really sad at the thought...

My mother in law has talked about how she wished she had called my husband this name. Making me think she would like us to name the baby Paul if we had a boy...however it is still very raw to all the family. The baby would have same surname too. I honestly don’t know if his mum would be able to say babies name without crying.

I am also really concerned for my five year old. We were talking about names and we mentioned my father in laws name and she said ‘grandpa up in heaven’. So she still associates the name with him and heaven.

Just looking for opinions...

OP posts:

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Blueuggboots · 30/09/2019 02:06

What about giving him the name as a middle name? It's there but not so prominent?

Rachelover60 · 30/09/2019 02:08

I think it would be fitting to name your son after his grandfather. Just tell your daughter that you chose grandad's name because he was so nice, she'll get it.

Children are often named after parents and grandparents.

pumkinspicetime · 30/09/2019 02:29

I agree a middle name is a good compromise.
Let your ds have his own fresh name.

Astronica · 30/09/2019 06:33

Much better as a middle name. Allow your son to have his own name, but in the middle it's a lovely reference to his grandfather.

AverageMummy · 30/09/2019 06:50

I think middle name is much nicer because a first sort of feels like replacing someone. Your son hearing that name would no longer say / think grandpa in heaven

AverageMummy · 30/09/2019 06:51

Your daughter sorry

MimiSunshine · 30/09/2019 06:51

Do you like the name Paul, would you choose it for any other reason?

Personally I would go with it as a middle name and give the baby his own identity for a first name

babybrain77 · 30/09/2019 06:55

I was adamant I wanted to name DS after my brother who passed away a few years ago. When the time came, it didn't feel right for him not to have his "own" name, so we used it as a middle name which was definitely the right choice. Not least because DS is the spitting image of my brother and it would have been hard for all of us having the name be the same as well!

Celebelly · 30/09/2019 06:55

Yes, I think middle name is appropriate unless you really love the name in its own right. Don't allow yourself to be guilt-tripped or emotionally blackmailed into choosing a name you aren't keen on. His death is still quite new and raw, but your son will carry this name for his whole life, so it needs to be something you think is right.

LolaSmiles · 30/09/2019 06:58

Unless you love the name in its own right then don't get pushed into it. They're they're own person and not a tribute to someone else.

If you like it as a middle name then that's a nice option.

I probably should add, I don't like naming children after relatives and giving them first names so that's probably personal feelings

saraclara · 30/09/2019 07:21

Your child needs his own identity. Use the name for a middle name if you have to, but burdening a baby with the name of someone recently deceased is unfair, in my opinion.

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 30/09/2019 07:25

Just agreeing with the previous posters who suggest using it as a middle name. That's what we did with our two daughters. I like that they have their own names but still have a link to special family members.

Roselilly36 · 30/09/2019 07:26

I agree with previous posters, perhaps FIL name for a middle name would be better for everyone.

TrixieFranklin · 30/09/2019 07:32

Middle name at a push but really don't feel like you have to.

Original poster

Mamaofdos · 30/09/2019 07:40

Thanks everyone. You have confirmed my feelings... Gut feeling is I would prefer it as a middle name.

I just feel having first and surname the same as my father in law is a bit much. My family are quite traditional and when I mentioned naming our son Paul they thought it was lovely. But I just feel awful sad at the thought.

I will need to approach subject with husband.

I’ve been trying to convince myself I really like the name but it’s not the name I would choose. Xx

OP posts:

Wheelson · 30/09/2019 07:46

I agree with @babybrain77 and indeed was going to name DS after my late dad but gave it as a muddle name instead. Now I can't imagine him having my dad's name as he just 'owns' his own name!

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 30/09/2019 07:51

We named d's after my after in law who died 2 months before he was born

He's 8 now and knows it was also his grandads name and it hasn't caused him any issue so far. The older children in the family were all fine too

CampingItUp · 30/09/2019 08:02

I am not a fan of naming children after deceased relatives. A child is not a memorial item like a bench in a park. Let them have their own name.

Middle name as a compromise.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/09/2019 09:32

Same name and surname? No!

All your instincts are correct. That's not remembering your FIL, that's giving your new baby his name instead of his own one. Just inappropriate in so many ways.

Middle name is a great idea, and that's why that is what almost everyone does in this circumstance.

FizzyGreenWater · 30/09/2019 09:35

I also think it's a particularly unhelpful thing to do when the loss is recent. That name is your FIL's name and right now it is associated with loss and mourning, as well as being the name that is still strongly HIS. To have that identity changed and 'taken over' so quickly by a new baby I think would honestly not end up being a pleasant situation for anyone.

Disfordarkchocolate · 30/09/2019 09:37

I'd feel more comfortable with Paul as a middle name. My daughter would have been made after her grandfather Bill if she had been a boy, however, the name would have been Will(iam).

You could also look at middle names that go well enough to be used such as John Paul. Good luck.

Floralnomad · 30/09/2019 09:37

I’d also just go with the name as a middle name . My dad died a couple of years before we had our dc and we used his name as a middle for our ds . Even now , twenty odd years down the line I can’t imagine him having been called my dads name .

Drum2018 · 30/09/2019 09:37

Don't do it as you are not happy with it and will end up resenting those who put pressure on you. Also, if you do use Paul as the second name make sure people don't start calling the baby by first and second name, ex John Paul. Yourself and Dh need to come up with a first name you both are happy with. We gave Ds his grandfathers name as a second name.

ParkheadParadise · 30/09/2019 09:41

Personally I don't like it.
My nephew recently had a dd. They named her after my dd who died 4yrs ago.
They told me when I went to the hospital to visit.
I managed to hold it together during the visit, my sister thought it was a lovely thing to do.
When I got home I cried for hours I felt like they had replaced my dd(I know I sound mad). Everytime someone talks about her, I think their talking about dd.

Babdoc · 30/09/2019 09:49

We named DD2 after DH’s deceased grandmother. But it wasn’t a recent loss, the woman died fifteen years before DD’s birth, and was already in her 90’s when I first met her.
I think there’s a difference between just passing on a family name, and commemorating a recent painful loss, with a lot of emotional baggage. Middle name is an excellent solution.
BIL has his uncle’s name as a middle. The uncle died in a Japanese concentration camp - again, first name would have been painful.

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