Advice and help for a confused Dad

[Haribo90]

Good Morning All

I've never been on here before, but I am trawling for support.
My Partner and I have a baby (Art: 4 months old).

She came to me in the middle of the night this week telling me that she no longer wants to be together. It felt odd because it was 1am and she hasn't thought about what happens next.

For context, we have had some tough times through being tired, nothing more than bickering (of which we are mutually responsible), but she says she is worn down.

I am completely devastated for us and for the family that we have made together.

Could this be a sign of prenatal depression? She has not spoken to anyone about it before making this decision. I am so torn as to whether I need to take her words and accept that she doesn't want to be together or to fight and push for her to seek support.

Advice is truly appreciated.

[BarleySugars]

Ask her to elaborate and listen patiently? Maybe what is bickering to you is way more/deeper to her?

[piedbeauty]

Are you doing your fair share with the baby and with housework? Getting up in the night etc? How much sleep in your wife getting? Have you noticed any other possible signs of PND? What are you arguing about?

You need to sit down and talk to her.

[Springbuds38]

What were her reasons for wanting to separate?

[Haribo90]

I am doing my fair share with baby and housework. Her sleep is bad because she is expressing milk and waking every 4hrs ish to pump milk.

[Itsanotherhreatday]

Wow. You site depression? The woman hasn’t slept for 4 months and no doubt she’s sick of not being able to think straight - if she’s doing it all on her own then what’s the point of you?

Your job is to look after her whilst she looks after the baby - which means giving her a break, making her coffee, listening to her cry from tiredness and frustration.

If you arent the solution you’re the problem.

[Haribo90]

She says she is unhappy and worn down. However, we go out a lot and do have lots of happy times but she is visibly really down at the moment.

[SiouxsieSiouxStiletto]

@Haribo90

I am doing my fair share with baby and housework. Her sleep is bad because she is expressing milk and waking every 4hrs ish to pump milk.

Ok so if she's expressing at night are you doing everything else for the baby at night? Like feeding and settling?

[Itsanotherhreatday]

Then take on some of the load!

Ask her what’s she needs and do it - clean the kitchen without asking, cook tea, mop the floors - make her life easier this first year - it’s doesn’t matter she’s home all day she’s running in empty.

[Haribo90]

I have asked and asked, she repeats the I am unhappy.
I ask what can I do or change (I am willing to do anything) she says not, she says we just aren't getting on (but we do seem to get on for the most part, but she is in a real rut)

[moderationincludingmoderation]

What has she said this morning? Is she still feeling the same and maintaining the conversation?

[BarleySugars]

@Haribo90

I have asked and asked, she repeats the I am unhappy.
I ask what can I do or change (I am willing to do anything) she says not, she says we just aren't getting on (but we do seem to get on for the most part, but she is in a real rut)

Tbh, sounds like she's sick of arguing and not being heard so she's got one rote line for you now.

[Haribo90]

@Itsanotherhreatday She isn't doing it all on her own. I feed and change our baby at night when she expresses. I tidy the house and cook. I make sure we cuddle and I try to boost her confidence and self esteem. We get out of the house and go on walks. I also take Art away to give her a break.

[snitzelvoncrumb]

You need to step up and help a lot more. Don’t just halfarse the housewife, do it to the standard it’s done when she does it. Work out a plan for her to get six hours of uninterrupted sleep. This means sorting out the baby without asking questions and being in another part of the house do she isn’t woken. Help her have a break so she can think clearly.

[Haribo90]

@BarleySugars Sorry what does rote line mean? Understand that I am always available to talk with her and will always try to change if something is said.

[Pashazade]

If you're bottle feeding anyway, the fact she's expressing every four hours suggests this, then I would suggest she drops the middle of the night pump so she gets more sleep and you take over for a few nights assuming there is milk to spare and she's not going one feed to the next. Lack of sleep can make things seem very bleak. Can she talk to her Health visitor, there is a chance of PND, I'd be trying to figure out where the splitting up talk is coming from, as suddenly being single won't make things easier right now. But tread gently and don't assume you can fix this, it may have been brewing from before the babies arrival.

[HairsprayBabe]

If she cant drop the middle of the night pump suggest she stretches it to 6 hours not four then she is at least getting a decent 6hr sleep which she can top up with a nap later if needs be.

Getting good sleep is so important for mental health. If she hasn't slept properly for four months the "bickering" is likely to feel much more significant to her than it may do to you.

What kind of things are you bickering about? Does that give you any clues?

What is your work schedule like is she feeling abandoned

Do you have a social life, is hers equal?

Does she go out with baby on her own to baby sensory or similar?

Does she have any friends with young children or is she feeling isolated?

Agree with PP if she is is worn down becoming single all of a sudden is unlikely to help.

[moderationincludingmoderation]

I think we need to know if she's really serious or if it was middle of the night sleep deprived exasperation...

[Haribo90]

@Pashazade We are bottle feeding, that's a great idea i'll try that to see if she can get some more sleep.

@HairsprayBabe I do have to stay away with work on occasion, say one night a week average. she tells me it's not about that (but i appreciate it may not help) We both have a social life, hers is not quite equal, but she has friends that she spends time with.
She doesn't want to go to baby classes (she has anxiety and finds it hard, I do think that could help). She does have friends with children but she hasn't spoken to them about this.

Thanks both for your responses I do appreciate it.

[AdoraBell]

It’s normal to be sleep deprived with a new born, and sleep deprivation is a recognised form of torture. It’s not you torturing her, it’s the situation. Things will improve as the baby grows.

Continue doing what you have been doing re sharing the load and talk to her. Listen without being defensive.

[BarleySugars]

@Haribo90

@BarleySugars Sorry what does rote line mean? Understand that I am always available to talk with her and will always try to change if something is said.

It means she trots out her reasoning robotically because she's tired of trying to explain and just going round and round. I would do it to shut down a man that says he's listening but isnt, its what you do to stop the bickering. Just repeat something that cant be argued with.

[HairsprayBabe]

What kinds of things are you bickering about?

[Begonne]

Don’t under estimate the effect of sustained sleep deprivation. As well as the immediate problems, it’s taking a toll on your wife’s long term health.

Do everything in your power to protect her sleep - Hairspraybabe has given good advice about stretching the night to 6hrs. If she’s asleep, don’t wake her up unless it’s absolutely necessary (eg someone will die)

My advice is just stop bickering and suck it up for a while. I’m sure I’ll be flamed for saying that but it’s something I will be eternally grateful to my dh for.

[abmac95]

I am not sure why people on this thread are saying its not depression. As someone who had PND it sounds exactly like that.

Is her Mum nearby? Or sister? Best friend? It might help to talk to them about your concerns.

FWIW I nearly divorced my much loved husband twice in the first 18 months of my kids life. For some reason I thought he was the reason I was unhappy.

You need to encourage your wife to see a doctor I think. What others have said about making sure she is getting a break/sleeping enough. Does she have something to look forward to? I think having something to look forward to really helps. For me going back to work helped.

[moderationincludingmoderation]

It's definitely worth considering whether she has PND. I had it and didnt realise until about 4 years later. One of the main things was isolating myself and my baby as I couldnt handle getting out and mixing travelling etc.

Talk to her closest friends/family and voice your concerns.

[Haribo90]

@abmac95 Thanks for your response. I appreciate it. I think I need to do that too. I'd love to hear more about your situation if you've anything you think might help.