MIL is driving me bananas

[Fibilou]

Please note that my MIL is usually normal and lovely.

I am due with my first today (and first grandchild for both sets of parents). MIL has taken to ringing me twice a day to see "how I am" and whether I have had any "twinges". It has got to the point now where I don't answer the phone because I just want to shout "just leave me alone will you".

She also said the other night "let me know the minute you go into labour". Erm, no we chuffing well won't. We had already decided that we will not be telling anyone until the baby is here and he said as much, and MIL said "no, please let me know as soon as something starts happening". DH said later "I won't ring her, don't worry"

I am not a fucking circus attraction

[hormonalmum]

Not much use now, but if there is a next time, be very vague about your due date (or even lie!)

My mil was annoying when I was expecting ds. Texting and ringing all the time too.
Dh didnt help matters by constantly texting her when I was in labour - both with dd and ds.
Dh is on strict orders this time that he is not to tell anyone until baby is here. I want him concentrating on me (selfish - yes!)

(I am hoping my mum will be able to have dd and ds, so she will need to know but it's not because I am favouring her)

[myermay]

i can understand why this is driving you nuts, but you are also very lucky to have a mil that cares so much, i wish i did. i would maybe say would you mind not calling at such and such times as i've been trying to nap and the phone keeps waking me, maybe say you'll call her in the evenings for a quick update. She sounds like she's goin to make a fab grandmother

[zipzap]

Have you spoken to your SIL to find out if she is also being plagued by lots of phone calls and to see if there is any way that you can get her to lessen the calls to both of you?

Maybe if it comes from her daughter that she is really tired and wants to rest more or whatever she will feel better about being told than if it comes from you, where she might suspect you of just trying to hide things from her because you are dil (not that you are).

And do you know if mil is going to be a birth partner for your sil? Maybe she is jealous that your mum is for you but she isn't for her daughter or thinks that if you want an older person there for you then she will be there for her ds whereas for her daughter she doesn't want any older people there so it's different and this is a way she can see to at least get hands on a very fresh baby!

downside is if you sil is having her mil and not her mum as a birth partner... that just makes it plain old tricky

[gladders]

YANBU - your body, your pregnancy, not a circus show.

if the phone calls are bothering you, you probably need to ask her (politely) to stop phoning and reassure you will phone when there's some news. she does not need to know that you will not be phoning until the baby has been born?

if you phone people as soon as twinges start, the problem will get worse. what if you have 2 weeks of twinges?!

nice that she's interested, but do stand up for yourselves here

[catwalker]

YABU - we've always rung parents and my sis to let them know when I've gone into labour. Why on earth not? Is it so unreasonable of your MIL and other family members to want to share in the excitement?

And, as another poster said, she's probably going to pains to demonstrate that your baby will be as important as her own daughter's. Your MIL probably suspects that you won't let her know which is why she's ringing you twice a day - to find out for herself. Can't you just say to her that, this close to the birth, you're sleeping a lot through the day so you'd be grateful if she didn't ring so often, BUT you promise you'll let her know when you do go into labour.

[neolara]

My mum (who is lovely, by the way) turned up at the delivery room minutes after my SIL had twins. My DB had told her my SIL was in labour, but hadn't updated and my mum, always a catastrophier at the best of times, was convinced that something absolutely terrible had happened, especially as the hospital wouldn't tell her anything. As a previous poster said "beside herself with worry"....

So, if I were you, I wouldn't tell you MIL that you were going into labour until you have a lovely cuddly baby in your arms.

[HaveToWearHeels]

YANBU.......but just to warn you it will only get worse. I gave birth to only granddaughter on both sides 18 weeks ago and I now feel like public property. My Mum comes round every week, when I used to see her once every two months (we are not close) and MIL just pops in when ever she wants (she only lives around the corner arrrghhhhhhhhhh)

[zipzap]

And if your mil does descend sooner than you'd like or stay for longer than you'd like - make sure you get her to say about when she gave birth...

chances are she will have had a week or two in a maternity hospital, getting lots of rest, lots of help starting feeding, how to look after a baby, all meals brought, LIMITED VISITORS, etc etc

so you can then point out that they had it much easier in her day and now how the poor old overstretched NHS just turfs you out in a matter of hours, maybe a day or two if you're 'lucky' (and that's usually because you're unlucky enough to need looking after for some reason).

and then hopefully she'll get the hint and disappear or at least be super helpful!

hope all goes well...

[nevesnana]

I work in a maternity unit and it is sooooo frustrating dealing with phone calls from various relatives wanting to be told how their daughter/daughter in law/ sister/niece/grand daughter etc is progressing.
They can never understand why we don't give out any information over the phone.
But then if you drop completely out of touch they may fear the worse and even end up turning up at the hospital or house while you're labouring.
We frequently have to drag partners away from our patients to update visitors that are beside themselves with worry.

Every family is different. I'd always rather have a family that cared though as there are so many women giving birth with no family around to be interested in them.
Thats very sad.

[messalina]

I agree and sympathise with OP. It's her body and she is not a battery hen. The older generation are very sweet and very lovely, but they need to bloody well control themselves.

[IsItMeOr]

You will tell us when the baby comes, won't you, Fibilou?

[MrsGokWantsatidyhouse]

All the best Fibilou. Hope it all goes smoothly.

Do you have an answer phone? If so change your message to " Fibilou has not gone into labour yet, she has no twinges, she is enjoying couple time with her DH and preparing herself for the imminent birth, when the baby is born every one will be informed at the earliest possile moment. Thank you for your understanding and patience."

[DitaVonCheese]

chocolaterabbit That's a great idea!

I do thinking phoning twice a day is a little BU though.

[cyteen]

Oh, forgot to say GOOD LUCK FIBILOU!!!

[cyteen]

It is sweet but very annoying, especially when you're sick of the whole shebang yourself. When I went overdue I used to get daily phonecalls from my nan that went like this:

Me: Hi Nanna.
Her: Hi cyteen.
(pause)
Her: So...how are you?
Me: Yeah, fine thanks.
(longer pause)
Her: Okay then, well I'll leave you alone.

I understood it but it didn't make being overdue any more fun.

Re. telling people when you go into labour, it can be a bit of a double-edged sword. We told a few people when I was in labour and it just meant they totally cacked it when they didn't hear from us for a while.

[MrsDmamee]

My SIL is 4 days overdue at the moment and I know her mum(my MIL) will be overly worrying as she has been nonstop for weeks now even making the grandad (to be) do a practice run to the hospital incase SIL's dh doesnt get home on time

They also texted me from the week before i was due everyday with the same "any news?" when i was due the 1st grandbaby. Got pretty annoying after a while (3rd text) as i was also awaiting the birth just as much if not more than them and had no one to ask "any news?"

And MIL wanted me to tell her when i was in labour too, which i just nodded to but wasnt ever going to do.
I was in labour from midnight until lunchtime the next day, so i would not have wanted them up all night wondering whats happening!

im pg again but havin a planned c-section this time, so will be spared the "any news" texts thank goodness!!!

[Wigglesworth]

My parents drove me insane when I went a week over due with DS. From the second I went on maternity leave my Mum would be at home and phone me every morning and then 15 mins later my Dad would phone from his work. I snapped after about 2 weeks of this (very tolerant IMO) and asked that one or the other phone me and communicate with each other. They always fecking phoned when I was trying to get some rest as well.
So no YANBU, it's irritating.

[chocolaterabbit]

YANBU, but neither is she really. She's overexcited and it is quite sweet, particularly if her DD is also due imminently.

If you haven't had it yet , you could try my SIL's approach with her DM. When her mum started phoning saying 'how are you doing, have you had any twinges' she said, yes, they've just started - DH and I are going to the hospital so we'll be out of contact for a bit. Phoned back 24 hours later saying false alarm. Gave them a bit of uninterrupted time and SIl's mum gave up asking after the 2nd round of this and waited for them to phone her.

[DitaVonCheese]

You are soooooooooo NBU! I went 12 days overdue and it was hell - I was completely mad and hormonal and wanted to kill anyone who asked whether I'd had it yet (NO I HAVEN'T BLOODY HAD IT), so god knows how I'd have coped with someone phoning twice a day.

We didn't tell anyone when it happened either - in fact I spoke to two members of my family on the way to and from hospital to confirm that my waters had gone and told them nothing was happening (it wasn't really, it was another two days until labour started). Oh and DH had a nice chat with SIL while I laboured in the bath and didn't mention it

Should I ever get pg again (), I will be lying to everyone about my due date!

[diddl]

Anything happening yet Filibou??!!

[Romanarama]

Next time you're pregnant just tell everybody that the due date is 14 days later than it really is. works a treat.

[diddl]

Anything happening yet Filibou??!!

[slummymummy36]

I fully understnd where you are coming from I really do.

I had (still have) a MIL like this and what with going 18 days over it drove me up the wall.

I would also be wary - because however lovely your MIL normally is and although understandably she is VERY excited - some MILS and mums go a bit lalala when 1st Grandchild is born and kind of forget that they are actually the grandparent and not the mother!!

I could tell a few tales of MILS/Mum/other self important relatives turning up univited at maternity hospitals/units etc - albeit being made to wait in the corridor but then the new mum feeling under pressure to let them in to see the new baby just after - when in reality they wanted to be alone at that time.

My MIL lived 350 miles away but they set off to come and stay with us the day I was discharged from hospital - uninvited in the fact that we had said they could come and stay once we were home and sorted but they took that to mean straight a bloody way!!. They set off at 11am and I was dischared at 4pm. I had 3 hours before they arrived!

Without wishing to worry you - never having had a child before you have no idea how it will go or how yo will feel. I ended up with a C section and just feeling totally overawed by my beautiful new baby. I just didnt want loads of people around me!

Having a baby is private and personal. Yes it is a new grandchild, neice, nephew, cousin etc etc to everyone else but it is also a very personal and special time.

I would for peice of mind just say you will let them know when "it" happens. Just dont explain what you mean by "it". If you don't call her when you go into labour - the chances are once the new baby is here it will all be forgotten anyway and if not you can always make excuses and just say you were worried, it was happening fast etc etc! It would only be someone totally unreasonable who would hold it against you.

I absolutely hated the constant phonecalls and lied blatently to people who insisted on calling several times a day. I didnt tell them I had a date to be induced in the end! They ended up with less info than the chilled out people who just happend to call iykwim!

Also with baby number 2 I added 10 days onto my due date at the very beginning and adjusted it to 10 days after my due date every time scans changed my date. Something to maybe think about if you decide to go back for round 2 another time.

I dont think you are being unresonable at all.

Do what you need to do to make this your special private time - if you dont you will regret it. My DD is 11 and only the other day I had a conversation with my DH about how upset I felt at is parents self inviting themselves etc and was surpised how upset and emotive I still got about it!

[diddl]

Do people really tell parents when they go into labour?

Didn´t with first-never occurred to us.

Had to with 2nd as they were sitting.

[CirrhosisByTheSea]

I think YABU. You can be politely assertive and say "please don't ring me, it just makes me nervous. I will ring you when I have news, I promise". That would be the sensible way to deal with it rather than getting all angsty.

Also I think you'll find with a first, it will be pretty impossible to 'not let anyone know till the baby is here'!!!! When people have been able to get you or DP on the phone each day, or pop round, they will probably notice when you go incommunicado and/or are out of the house for 12 - 24 hours

I think it is actually kind and courteous to let parents know when you go into labour. They love you and care about you and want you and your DH safe and well, just like you will feel about your baby when it comes. Labour and birth and being in hospital are big things for a parent to cope with about their adult child and that's without the medical complications/surgery that some people experience as part of birth - and to not even let them know this is happening is rather rude, imo, when they are involved and supportive and loving parents.