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AIBU?

to feel a tiny bit miffed over my friend

25 replies

ratherupsetfriend · 19/01/2010 09:16

who sent me an email asking me to stop emailing her!

Bit of background...kmown her for about 10 years, professionally at first. Not THAT close friends but reasonably so. See her only ever few months but used to chat regularly and email.

We both work freelance from home. She has ME but is recovering. However she still has to be careful and can't work full time or outside the home.

I was recently looking for employment, and was emailing her almost a daily blog on what I'd found ( we are in the same line of work) and I tried to call her a few times but she didn't answer.

Over the past year she has stepped back and put various constraints on when she can talk to me- not during the day as she is too busy, not at night as she is too tired.

Then a day or so back she emailed me- chatty at first- then dropped the bombshell- asking me please to stop emailing her as she could not support me in my search for work and my emails were a cause of stress. She said we could continue to see each other or chat when she took holiday.

I was really shocked. I admit I have been needy, and possibly overstepped the mark, but I think it would have been better if she had simply ignored my emails and just sent me a chatty one back saying "Really sorry, can't get back to you on these as I'm so busy. Catch up with you when I have time."

I have replied to say sorry and that I fully understand, but I feel she has used a sledge hammer to crack a nut.

AIBU or did she over react?

OP posts:

Report

nickytwotimes · 19/01/2010 09:21

So you would rather she has not been honest then?

If she is ill and you have been needy then it may be it is just too much for her atm unfortunately.

It is good you have sent an apology. I think you have done all you can tbh. Leave it and see what happens, but if she is not a close friend, it is no big loss really is it?

cory · 19/01/2010 09:24

If she has ME she may not be up to maintaining personal relations or sending even very brief chatty emails just at the moment. She hasn't said she never wants to be in touch, just that it needs to wait until she is on holiday. Sounds reasonable to me. She is ill.

nancydrewrocks · 19/01/2010 09:26

I think she has been incredibly patient if you have been emailing her daily for a year about your problems.

Sounds like she is having a hard time with tiredness/stress and you have been way to needy. I think she has been very mature about it and frankly you are lucky she didn't tell you to fuck off months ago.

Coldhands · 19/01/2010 09:28

Hmmmm, as someone who also has M.E. and cannot work at all as all my energy is used on DS, its a hard one.

I totally sympathise with your friend as I know what it feels like. Also when you say "she is recovering" she may just be going through a slightly better patch. Some people do recover completely but the majority just learn to live with it and know their boundaries etc. It does take years to learn this as it is hard to accept that you just cannot do the things you want to do, and if you do you pay a heavy price for it.

I don't always like phonecalls in the evenings etc if I'm tired. I can see where she is coming from if you have been needy and she has told you that it is causing her stress. Stress is guaranteed to make M.E. worse, she may be one of these who feels like she has to reply to messages etc. I know I feel like I have to, and I always used to get useless chain messages from a friend that drove me mad.

On the other hand, she could have put it like you said, it would have been politer but I know that when I am very tired, I am the most irritable person in the world and reason goes out of the window, nothing is ever right etc. When she feels better she may appologise but the fact that she still said about catching up with you means that she does still want to see you. There are 'friends' that I really couldn't be bothered with after I got ill, so it is a good thing that she still intends to see you again.

In answer to your question, you were a bit unreasonable to send lots of needy e mails but she may have over reacted a bit, but I can understand why. HTH

junglist1 · 19/01/2010 09:29

Well if she can't support you and hasn't got the energy for friends she can piss off can't she? Now you know not to waste your time.

ratherupsetfriend · 19/01/2010 09:29

No- I would much rather she was honest- it is simply that I felt she was being heavy handed. I don't think other people would have said the emails caused stress- that's what upset me. It would have been better perhaps if she had simply ignored them or said she was busy and couldn't manage to get back to me- in a light hearted way.

She has had ME for 15 years and is much better than when we first met. Maybe because she is working around 20 hrs a eek and going out socially now, I fail to underestimate how she is.

I was just abit shocked that my emails were affecting her in the way she said as it was never my intention. I din't expect in depth replies- I was just updating her as we both work in the same field.

OP posts:

ratherupsetfriend · 19/01/2010 09:30

nancy- I didn't say emailing daily for a year- God no! I had sent her a few emails last week only. Usually I'd email her about twice week.

OP posts:

TheresSnowDragonHere · 19/01/2010 09:32

You've been emailing her virtually daily. She has been avoiding your calls. she has tried to get you to back off by putting constraints on when you could call her.

Given that you couldn't take the subtle hints to back off, what she did was clearly the only way to get you to listen.

Coldhands · 19/01/2010 09:35

The thing is, (and I don't mean this in a patronising way at all), unless you have it, its very hard to understand. It s not something that is visable and most people (mainly older ones I have found) don't get the 'tiredness'. It is not just tiredness but total debilatating exhaustion.

If she is working that much and going out, she is probably feeling it quite a bit atm.

You are being a bit unreasonable to be so upset, she was being honest and is probably feeling crappy.

Junglist, I hope you are joking. That is what happened when I lost all my friends. I didn't have energy to go clubbing/bowling etc so they all just fucked off. These were people who were my bridemaids as well, so supposedly my best friends. I guess you really learn who your friends are in situations like this.

nancydrewrocks · 19/01/2010 09:36

OK I misunderstood where you said she'd backed off over the last year - I thought I'm not bloody suprised!

I think she has been decent and honest with you and you just have to accept that with her job her priorities have changed. Telling you the emails were a stress was probably her way of telling you that she is not shutting you out for a frivilous reason. She is admitting to you that she is struggling and cannot cope.

lucyellensmumagain · 19/01/2010 09:40

You would email her twice a week? Well, if it were emailing her to say - yep, everyones well, we are fine - how are you, the weather is crap isnt it, then fine, but you weren't you were emailing her to push for work openings - YABU and a bit selfish imo

nickytwotimes · 19/01/2010 09:41

Still think you were BU.

SHE IS NOT WELL. Give her a break, eh?

junglist1 · 19/01/2010 09:51

No, this woman was rude and has just dropped her friend by email. ME is no excuse for being a bitch. My friend was ill for a long time and instead of expecting nights out we used to go round WHEN she felt up to it. She was never a bitch about it though. Big difference.

nickschick · 19/01/2010 09:57

My son has M.E and it really does affect your whole life and also he can be rather 'short' not because hes nasty because hes absoluteley bloody exhausted.

I beg of anyone not to judge anything about this disease unless they live with it .

TheresSnowDragonHere · 19/01/2010 09:57

Yes you went round when she was up to it. The OPs friend has tried the subtle approach to get her to back off with the work emails to no avail. Big difference.

nickschick · 19/01/2010 09:58

*disease is entirely the wrong word- its a condition -sorry.

Coldhands · 19/01/2010 09:58

I don't think she was being a bitch. She hasn't "dropped her friend by email". She has said they will catch up when she has the time. Which to me, translates as she is feeling crappy, and just needs a bit of a break at the moment.

Your previous post about not being able to support the OP was out of order. Why should she support someone else when you are feeling ill and don't have the energy for yourself, let alone anyone else.

Its good that you went to your friends when she was up to it, but I didn't have that experience and my 'friends' all dropped me as I couldn't keep up with them.

TheresSnowDragonHere · 19/01/2010 10:00

The friend is not being a bitch, she asked to OP politely to stop emailing her about work and explained that it was causing stress and that she couldn't support the her in her search. She didn't say "fuck off and stop hassling me I never want to speak to you again"

nickytwotimes · 19/01/2010 10:01

Not bitchy at all.

She asked to leave things untill her holidays.

Nowt wrong there.

junglist1 · 19/01/2010 10:02

Your friends weren't friends. Friendship does require effort and understanding and I don't think reading emails from the OP is too much really. She must have been online for a reason, after all.

junglist1 · 19/01/2010 10:04

OP were you expecting anything of her other than verbal support in your jobhunt

TheresSnowDragonHere · 19/01/2010 10:06

It's almost daily, needy emails blathering on about someone else's hunt for work that she is apparently fed up with. I would imagine that other friends are perhaps sending her chatty ones which she'd like to read.

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ratherupsetfriend · 19/01/2010 10:08

lucy- my emails were more of the former you suggest not the latter.
we both work in the same field- an opening had come up which we were discussing- I was interested in it and she wasn't. I was also mulling over various work options by email- just thinking aloud.

I suspect she felt I needed/wanted detailed responses from her, guiding me in my search for work- which was never the intention.

I think the misunderstanding has occured as paradoxically, the better she has become in terms of health, the more work she is doing, but the less time she has for me as a friend. When she was more ill we talked more as she was doing nothing very much.

I have no problem with her saying she is busy/tired, and that I was being OTT, I was simply a bit peeved by her choice of words and how she made it rather "formal" in her email.

OP posts:

NewYearNewKnickers0nMaHead · 19/01/2010 10:10

I would of done the same as here.

Would you of preferred if she just ignored you? At least she told you.

YABU.

Coldhands · 19/01/2010 10:16

It does sound like she is taking on a lot. I had a period (before DS) a few years ago where I was feeling a bit better, so i went back to work for a few hours a week. DH told me how much it had affected me and I had no energy for anything else. I was going to stop again but I got pregnant and the decision was made for me.

Junglist1, no they obviously weren't that great friends after all. Luckily I have now found fantastic friends who I know will be friends for life .

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