I hate my inlaws

[tiredntetchy]

I've moaned on here about this before but im fed up and need a moan.

My inlaws are so one sided in their affections and with their time. They have my neice 2 night a week and god knows how many days. She seems to be there whenever we ring and i'm always hearing mil going on about she knitted her this or made her curtains and a duvet cover blah blah. None of this for my 3 kids.

We live much further awway from in laws than bil and sil but when in laws come up this way to 'visit' they either pop in for a short visit then spend rest of week sight seeing and not seein us or they bring the bil and sil with the grandchild they have constantly in their care meaning my kids take 2nd place again.

I find as time goes on it just gets me more and more wound up. They are all over the other grandchild who is a few months younger than my middle child so not even first grandchild syndrome yet never ring us or make an effort to see us. They are retired and are always away for weekends etc whenever they don't have other gchild. Mil also goes on about 'oh we never get time with your lot, we miss them blah blah' and i always say well come up anytime but she doesn't take me on or says 'oh we have 'other grandchild' wed and fri this week, oh lets see how the weather is blah blah'

Whats wrong with my kids? Why don't they love them like they love the other?

Rant over. Tell me i'm not BU please.

[forehead]

OP, i don't mean to be harsh, i simply believe that there is nothing much you can do about this issue. As your dh says, you are a capable person, but you are allowing your pil to control your emotions. They are truly insensitive individuals and ultimately it will be their loss. Tbh ,i feel more sorry for your dh, after all they are his parents and it can't be nice knowing that his parents prefer his brothers children.

[WingedVictory]

"because i am such a capable person that they feel they can't help me the way the help sil and my fil in particular like people he can patronise, i don't fit into that category."

... you don't need them so they can't manipulate you, you mean? That's not always a bad dynamic. Try to think about turning their behaviour on them. Working out what their needs are, why they are being like this, might enable you to play on those needs a little, take a measure of satisfaction and then stop (because you can stop; they obviously can't ). Do they need family to "help" bully? Do they need you to be disappointed by their breeziness? Do they fear being dumped? If they do want to be needed, you could always try asking them for help - an important day you need childcare for - and see what happens. If they come through, you don't have to do it again, but some of your feelings of resentment may be alleviated as they will have bent to your will when you needed it. If they don't come through, you can shame them by saying how disappointed you are they they would do so little for you when it was important, whereas they do so much for the other side of the family, even when the need there is casual and everyday.

Setting it up like this sounds a bit mean, but maybe an emergency/direct plea is the only thing they will respond to. Or else, if they are finally proven the really mean ones, you will finally have the perfect chance to tell them what you think of them, and they will have to take it. Family rupture, yes, but one they let open.

Is this being a bit too Drama Queen-y?

[tiredntetchy]

mm thanks for your 'sympathy' forehead glad to know i sound needy and obsessed

I don't often let this bother me but yesterday she texted me and irritated me with something she said so it got me wound up. Usually i just get on with my life, enjoy my kids and my hubby and think fook them.

I agree millyR this also stems from them prefering my hubbys brother when they were young. Certainly seems to be the case as far as my hubby concerned. Their loss. My husband is lovely and successful and a great father.

Still not sure how me being upset that my kids aren't favoured as much as the other grandchld makes me obsessed and needy my DH actually feels its because i am such a capable person that they feel they can't help me the way the help sil and my fil in particular like people he can patronise, i don't fit into that category.

Thanks for replies everyone, its helpful to know its not just our family that has difficult politics.

[cranbury]

I have the same problem. YANBU. I find it best to just not see the in laws as it really pisses me off. I am getting DH to take the children to their house for the weekend. Avoid them.

[MillyR]

I meant similar to the Op's inlaws, not similar to the OP!

[MillyR]

My in laws are very similar to the OP. I think it just stems from them preferring DH's sibling as a child and so they have carried it on with the grandchildren.

Essentially, in the eyes of my in-laws, the purpose of my children is to provide cousins for their other grandchildren.

I just ignore it; the giving of gifts and material goods to SILs family and not mine is a good lesson to my children in the importance of financial independence. Material wealth given by other people always comes with strings attached.

Do not allow yourself to be bothered by it.

[sunburntats]

ahhh yes my mum is like this and it is very hurtful.

My mum takes my sisters son to and from school every day, has him at weekends and at night if needed. He is always playing with or wearing new stuff that my mum had bought him.
My other sister has a daughter and again, she takes her to and from school every day, has her all the time and shows me new clothes that she has bought her.

My boy gets the stuff that my nephew doesnt like (PJs last time) and for birthday last year got some outdoor toys that she bought for my nephew but it wouldnt fit in his garden at home.

she never asks about my boy.

I have just kind of accepted that this is the way it is. She isnt keen on my son, and adores Dn & dnephew.

She is fantastic with my neice and nephew and really helps my 2 sisters out she is the perfect grand parent to them.
Im not bothered and never make an issue of it, but protect my boy from it all at the mo (he is only 6)

[forehead]

OP,I understand why you feel so upset about how your MIL is behaving and you have my sympathies, because i have experienced something similar. I do however think that you are obsessing about this issue and tbh you are coming over as too needy. What you need to do is to get on with your life and accept that your mil may never change. It is not healthy to have all this bitterness and sadness, you have your dh and kids to think about. I think you really need to stop this.
yabv

[tiredntetchy]

we live about 170 miles away. when this move was on the cards they encouraged us to go saying its a beautiful place etc. They were one sided before we moved when we all lived within 15 miles of each other. I hoped id feel better about it when we moved because then at least when they came to visit my kids would get some lovely one to one with them. In reality they rarely visit, when they come up this way they visit for a couple of hours then spend a few days sight seeing and then at most pop in for another couple of hours on way home.

Other times they have visited they bring the bil and sil and grandchild with them. Then when my hubby at work and i'm stuck in house with kids (new to area at the time so no great circle of friends) they'd all go out for coffee or for the day and not invite me and the kids. They also babysit the other grandchild whilst here to let bil and sil go out for a meal and to the cinema despite not offering this to us and we don't ever het out without the kids as no babysitters here.

The whol thing makes me so sad and i'm esp sad because i like his mother so much she is a really nice women )his father is a pain and very controlling)I have no idea how the dynamics of their relationship with the sil and bil work but its so different to how they are with us. Even friends of ours have commented on how the relationship between bil's family and pil is almost a bit incestous(sp?)

Whenver i ring mil, which is rare as she never ever rings us, they are either all there or at least the grandchild is.

My hubby feels it would only make things worse to say something but i honestly feel like blowing a fuse. My parents both still work but manage up around once every 6 weeks even just for a night but they rarely make the effort and are both retired. My way of dealing with it is just to make no effort in return but every now and again i can't help feeling down about the whole thing.

[radstar]

yadnbu - I don't have much to offer I'm afraid as I'm just starting to experience this (my ds is only 8 moths) but just want to offer the moral support, its bothering me so much lately with xmas coming up and lo and behold we are expected to do all the travelling again.

We too live further away, our choice I know but I use to be able to write off the way dp and his siblings were treated as "oh they have kids and we don't" unfortunately we now have a child and it doesnt look like it is going to change. It breaks my heart on behalf of dp and ds, (dp says he doesnt care but I do)I know I am getting all twisted up and bitter with resentment and I don't want to be, like you it feels like there is something wrong with my ds and he is the most adorable boy

So you have my sympathies and I too am going to follow your thread to see if I can benefit from the wise musnetters! Lets hope we can get over it, (and sorry to to take over your thread)

[Bubbaluv]

When you say "much further away" what sort of distance are we talking?

[WingedVictory]

These mean grandparents are not normal. Although, sadly, they are not unusual, either. Let's all make a pact not to be like this.

tiredntetchy, bitterness is not an insult, but it is bad for you, so if you can face it down, turn it into something like scorn, you will feel better and they will be served what they deserve.

[PrammyMammy]

i feel for you - we should start a facebook group.

[diddl]

I assume that they have the other grandchild as they are near enough for it to be workable.

If so, I think you have to overlook that tbh.

I guess you have to tell yourself it´s their
loss and try not to let it get to you so much.

Do you think that your children are missing out by not seeing much of them?

We are aboad & my inlaws have never been over.
We have their only grandchildren.

TBH, with that attitude, I don´t feel that my children ar missing out.

[tiredntetchy]

My inlaws are very good with the kids and cope well with them. They certainly never say anything to the contrary. This has been like this since the other grandchild was born. They had her for days at a time as a new baby because mum was 'tired'. She isn't not coping or depressed or anything infact she has a lovely life with loads of help from both sets of GP's. Even when i just had 2 and my hubby worked away, i had just had a miscarriage too and they couldn't help me with the kids as they were looking after 'other grandchild'.

It is very depressing and makes me really resent them. The last time we were altogether we took some photographs, in the photos (everyone of gp's and the kids) not one were they looking at our kids but in all they were smiling on with adoration at their little bundle of joy. Sorry for being a bitter cow but have to say it makes me want to puke. You'd think the FIL gave birth to her himself and even does her little voice when asking for things. I'm a bitter cow eh.

Oh my kids all under 5 , 3 and 1. And we do offer them one at a time but still a hassle for them.

I WILL GET OVER THIS.

[WingedVictory]

I understand from your post that the other GC gets lots of nice, comfortable-to-accept love (not quite like our situation), but this is how favouritism has played out with me and my family:

My mother was the favourite of her father, and that was transferred to my generation (to my brother and me), whereas my aunt (who was in the UK) did more for her father, and her children were never invited round, despite beinginthesamecountry (my brother and I came to the UK perhaps once a year). Our visits consisted of teas of huge amounts of sweet things (sugar/marzipan mice, crumpets and honey, etc. Probably what he thought children would love). My aunt is still bitter about this, over 20 years after he died.

However, my brother and I were rather uncomfortable with the attention, probably because it was OTT and made us uncomfortable (and the sugar mice were just disgusting), and my mother was, too; she fully acknowledges that she was not here as much as her sister, and cannot think what to do to change it now.

We have concluded that Grandpa was just a contrary, stubborn bugger, whose love was not terribly reasonable. As I mentioned, it made me and my brother uncomfortable and we did not value it that greatly. Sad, that it didn't have the desired effect, eh?

We have also concluded that, although my aunt was NOT being unreasonable to be bloody pissed off with this sort of favouritism, she MUST manage to get past it somehow, as she is making herself as worked up now as he made her then. We think she may have even been making herself ill (she is now over 60).

If you can address the question of "not minding" any more, perhaps don't think of it as forgiveness; think of it as revenge for unreasonable treatment! However it is a shame for your children, and I do feel sorry for them. Are they old/mature enough to understand if you try to explain this to them?

I wish there was something else to suggest, but it sounds as though your side is the only one which is going to change. I do hope you can find a way to detach your happiness from this treatment.

[toomuchmonthatendofthemoney]

could it be just that they find one child easier to cope with and have 1-1 "adult" style chat/time with, than a house of 3 all at once? do they just feel overwhelmed by a busy household?

would it help if you perhaps suggested they take oldest one/middle one (taking turns?) on their "sightseeing trips" and get to know them in a 1-1 situation? you could phrase it that it would be helping you by giving you a break and some time to spend with the littlest one on your own. a bit of flattery never goes amiss, i find.

[tiredntetchy]

It is of course possible that i'm just fed up in general at the mo. Ever hate the boredom of being a sahm?

All week i wash clothes, cook meals, care for the kids, seperate the oldest 2 constantly, have the youngest hanging from 'boobie' constantly and so it goes on. Everyday is the same.

Bored AND i hate my inlaws

[tiredntetchy]

My husband is their oldest son then they just have his brother who is 3 years younger.

i could see how it might be different if it was a mother/daughter thing, being the sister in a brother/sister sat i realise my mum and i have a much dif relationship than my mum and my brother.

So its not that. it seems they just prefer them

[tiredntetchy]

his brothers wifes child (will ignore punctuation too)