Following on from yesterday's thread about dd ....... we continue!

[mosschops30]

thread here
I did show her what I wanted doing before I left and actually said 'look I dont expect a palace, just do your best'
I get home yesterday after asking dd to clean, to find house tidy-ish, but deffo not clean.
I didnt go round looking for things as I believed her when she said she'd been busy. But through the course of the evening I notice:
that the tv is on disney channel (obviously I didnt leave it on that and had only been gone 2 hours)
that the sink is dirty, I ask dd and she says, 'well I did clean it'
That the toilet still has a variety of 'things' on it, dd says 'oh I didnt know I had to clean the seat'
thats the hall hasnt been hoovered, dd says 'oh I didnt know I had to hoover the hall'
Also note that Dyson hoover isnt even a quarter full and almost empty can of pledge I left her along with new full one, is still, yep almost empty!

So I leave it, giving her the benfit of the doubt and she as planned is going to town today with friend to buy birthday pressie for tonights party, and buying halloween outfit for party on saturday. For this she requires £30 apparently, which I got out the bank for her last night.

Whilst I am getting ready this morning sitting on my bedrrom floor, so am eye level with my drawer tops, and they are thick with dust.
So I ask her to come in and say 'look i want the truth, did you clean yesterday'? dd says 'well yeah I did' so I ask again if she did her best or some half arsed attempt then sat down to watch disney 'yeah I suppose so' Then she says 'look I'll do it properly friday if I can still go to the parties'

At which point I either killed her or cried my eyes out ...... obviously was the latter, I cried for ages saying that I never ask her to help me normally, its only because I am so tired and big, and that she just wants wants wants and gives nothing in return.
I have told her she cannot go to Halloween party on saturday, but she has still gone to town and party tonight as too late to cancel.

Even after all this she still said 'oh so what am I supposed to tell so and so about party on saturday'?

Am I being hormonal and ott - I am so upset and hurt about all this. I try to make a deal yesterday and it gets thrown back at me and I feel like she's learnt nothing, shes gone to town with my last £15 for the week.
I honestly dont know if Im being stupid or not, my bloody hormones are all over the place

[diddl]

So the cleaning was a punishment which wasn´t done and another punishment was added.

So why have you done the cleaning?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Mosschops, I am going to be horrible here so I'll apologise in advance.

You are not sending clear signals to your DD. You did the cleaning? That was not a good idea. You had told her to do it, she didn't, she lied about not doing it, and then you ended up doing it. And you gave her £15 and let her go to a party tonight. What's wrong with this picture?!!

She is 13, plenty old enough to be taking on responsibility. You need to spell it out to her what you expect - put it in writing, stick it to the fridge door if necessary, but make it explicit and non-negotiable.

Only when she shoulders her responsibilities does she get the accompanying privileges - and STICK TO IT.

Consider the possibility if you continue letting her do as she pleases without consequences - do you really want to raise a child who can't run their own home, can't even manage in student halls/shared flat, and so NEVER moves on/out?

[texasghouldem]

mosschops - I can't really comment on the punishment stuff as my DD is only 5.5months old so have a long way off before I (hopefully!) need to deal with any of that but just to say that when I was 13 (which was only 11 years ago, so wasn't like decades ago), I normally done the dusting, hoovering downstairs, empyting the tumble dryer when it was full and kept my room tidy - that was every week so I really don't think your being unreasonable with the chores.

[thesecondcocking]

nobody is saying that it's unreasonable for her to do chores.
however-if it's on a roster basis rather than i am pregnant/dad's working late so it's YOUR turn that's hardly fair.
my dd (who is almost 15) keeps her own room tidy,washes up maybe once a week-tidys round the lounge if one of us is out ie puts the babys toys away.
if the dust is as bad as you say then it's not built up in a week,you can skip a weeks dusting without noticing it...or a months...we're currently under about 4 months worth of dust and it's barely noticeable.
i don't think you should have her scrubbing toilets and and then punish her for not doing it i'd be very surprised if she's not already harbouring resentment to her new brother or sister if the bulk of the housework is now her job.
i don't want to upset you though op-just think you've been a bit harsh on this occasion,i am sure you are usually more easygoing.

[prettyfly1]

I dont think the op has been hard enough. Her daughter is thirteen for christ sake not four - she can dust and hoover and manage to be honest.

Moss you need to be tougher on her.

[Danthe4th]

I think you're expecting a bit much to clean the house from top to bottom if she doesn't normally do it with you.
I definately would expect her to help but may need more guidance.
Why did you not get her helping you today, if it took you all day you should have asked for help,don't do it if it hurts.
I have a very useless 14 yr old dd and an exceptionally helpful 13 yr old dd.I have always since they were little given them small jobs to do, they now always have to change their own beds, dust and hoover their own rooms and tidy away clean clothes, they also have to help their brothers with jobs. The eldest has a paper round to earn money to go out.They do it because they are used to it and don't question it, I put a pile of clean bedlinen on the landing and get a pile of dirty back.
No way would I have given my dd £15 to go out. She takes her own money and buys her own drink and entry ticket otherwise she doesn't go.
If she wants money she needs to earn it.
If I had asked my 14 year old to clean she wouldn't know where to start unless I asked her to do one job at a time.
Try again, now the house is done ask her to do one job at a time to help you stay on top of things. Good luck

[mosschops30]

can I just repeat AGAIN - that dd was not expected to do the cleaning because Im pregnant, she was asked to do it as a punishment for something else, so basically it was 'you can miss out on the trip to the cinema and whilst youre at home you can help me out by doing the dusting, hoovering and wipe the bathroom over'.
I AM NOT EXPECTING HER TO DO EXTRA STUFF BECAUSE i AM PREGNANT!!!!!
Oh and just for the record, of course shes seen me clean before, shes lived with me for 13 years, even ds (4) can dust (albeit not very well )

By the time she had told me that she hadnt done it her friends mum was knocking the door for her to go to town, and the £15 was for a birthday present and card.
Yes I understand that in a ideal world and with more time I would have told her she couldnt go, but with 2 minutes notice of going to town and about 4 hours notice for party I felt it unfair to others. The mother has already mad it clear Ive disrupted saturday's plans by not letting dd go to the halloween party.

dd's godmother has suggested same as many of you that we should sit down, and discuss what exactly she has to do on a weekly basis, like clean room, put washing in basket, empty dishwasher daily etc etc and then if those jobs are done she will be able to go to parties/have money for shopping/go out with friends etc.
Just trying to work out now whats a reasonable amount? Those of you with teenagers, what do you expect them to do around the house?

[diddl]

Mine aren´t teenagers yet, but they are expected to keep their rooms tidy, dust & hoover their rooms once a week, put clothes in wash box & put them away after they have been washed/ironed.

Clean the toilet/basin/shower if they leave a mess/spill toothpaste/shampoo.

Pitch in with the cooking/washing up/drying at the weekend.

They don´t get paid for this,but equally there´s no punishment, except that the clothes they want aren´t ready to wear,their room is an embarrassing mess when friends visit...

[mosschops30]

well of course there wont be a punishment in that respect, if she doesnt do the the jobs then there will be no trips to town/money to spend etc etc.

The only reason she is being 'punished' for not cleaning, is that the cleaning itself was there as a punishment, then lying about doing your punishment, then not caring that youre lying about it because you can do it again as long as you can still have whatever you want

Do you think what ive suggested is reasonable then, keep room tidy, put washing in basket, make your bed and empty the dishwasher daily

[diddl]

mosschops

I wasn´t criticising you re punishment.
Sorry if it came out like that.

They don´t get paid to do the jobs, but equally there´s no punishment if they don´t as I consider that they are things they should be doing for their own benefit.

I think what you have suggested is fine for 13.

Might add in changing bed and putting ironed clothes away.

[mosschops30]

sorry

[treaclespongeofdeath]

When I was 13 I did all my own laundry including ironing school shirts, was expected not to leave a mess anywhere and also cooked for myself sometimes. I didn't have to do anything in my room as my mum took the view that if I wanted it to be a tip that was my problem! If I wanted it tidy I had to change my own sheets, do my own hoovering etc. I think that what you have suggested is perfectly reasonable

[cookinmama]

Mine is not quite a teenager but almost. There is a set amount that he can earn each week and then a list of jobs that he can do with what each job will pay. The jobs include washing, drying and putting away the dishes, dusting and hoovering his room (wouldn't trust him with the rest of the house) taking out recycling/ bins etc. Helping me make tea (this one is good because we get to chat about his day while we do it) cleaning the windows on our doors, washing the car etc.

He has to keep his bedroom tidy for free but if he doesn't he loses a £1 from what he has earned - I am a very mean mum!!

[scottishmummy]

my parents worked ft.at 13 i was able to

peel potato,veg for dinner
hoover,dust,clean
set table etc
do laundry

did all of above and more after school before homework

[mosschops30]

yes well we normally both work full time (dh even more than full time).
however dd sees it as her right to come in sit down and watch tv until someone shouts that dinner is served.

I have just had a chat with her, and she is none to impressed

I have asked that she makes her bed daily, that she puts all dirty washing in wash bin and if its not then it doesnt get washed, that her clean clothes will be left on landing for her to put away, that she checks the dishwasher daily to see if it needs emptying and finally to dust and hoover her bedroom and empty her bin either weekly or fortnightly (because I must admit sometimes I only manage to clean fortnightly).
Finally that I wont tolerate her demanding that we go out to eat for every meal on the weekend, although we often do because I dont cook on friday night or saturday night, sometimes dh will cook something for us which causes her to have a najor strop because shes not getting and take-away or meal out.

She has now gone upstairs obviously to stick more pins in my voodoo doll, acting like Ive told her that shes sleeping in the garage and being fed bread and water from now on

In return I have said that she will be allowed to go to town, be given reasonable amounts to do so and also go out with friends/attend parties, and that if she doesnt keep up her jobs then dont bother asking for these things

[cookinmama]

Go mosschops!! Just make sure you stick to your guns, maybe an idea to write up your expectations just to help you both remember what the deal is.

[diddl]

Well considering that you both work fulltime, I think that she´s had it easy to date!

[SorciereAnna]

My DSSs are 12 and 14, and DD is nearly 5.

I expect all the children to keep themselves and their own personal space (bedrooms and bathrooms) tidy, to make their own beds, empty their bins daily, fold their clothes and/or hang them up and/or put them in the dirty laundry basket (where applicable - and to know what is applicable), open/close own shutters and windows. The boys are expected to spray shower clean around after showering.

I also expect them to tidy up after themselves after making a mess with toys, books, homework etc in the living room and other communal areas.

I do not expect them to hoover or dust or clean windows or change sheets and towels in their own rooms and I don't want the hassle of them doing "general housework" though I do ask them to do small specific errands and chores when I need a hand.

[Longtalljosie]

Scottishmummy - I did all the above at 13 as well, except laundry (probably because my mum worried I'd stick a red sock in with the shirts!)

[SorciereAnna]

I agree with other posters on this thread that you shouldn't be expecting your 13 year old DD to do "general house cleaning". She isn't an adult and shouldn't be burdened with the responsibility of housekeeping.

It is one thing to expect children to look after themselves and their own space in the home, within the limitations of their own physical and mental abilities; quite another to expect children to take on the role of caring for others/their parents. Asking a child left on their own to hoover and loo clean is really not OK.