to think not inviting ds to party is mean?

[labyrinthine]

By labyrinthine on Fri 23-Oct-09 23:38:16
ds just turned 8 and invited two brothers to his party ~ they couldn't come because they went to their usual after school activity ~fair enough.They were the only ones who didn't come out of 15.

They now have their own birthday and have been allowed 3 friends and have invited 3 boys out of the 7 in the class ~ not ds.
ds has been good about it but is upset as he thought they were two of his best friends~and as I've heard the boys asking to come over and choosing him usually as a partner etc in school I was surprised.

I think it's a bit mean as he is the only boy left out of their playing group and I would never do that.
Also they have talked all week about who may or may not come and named them one by one .

ds has previously said that their mum has said they are not allowed to come over as she is very strict but now wonder if there is some reason.

Maybe I'm too soft but we are always so careful not to leave anyone out I feel a bit sorry for ds.If he had only been allowed 3 friends I would have asked him to keep it fairly quiet I think.

[labyrinthine]

I've been through similar situations with older dcs and it usually turns out that the less kind sensitive parents have the less kind sensitive children.

We are 4 mums of the 5 boys and there is absolutely no way this would happen with me or the other 2 mums we would never leave any of the 6 boys out.

Until now...[joke obviously I always rise above]

Yes I think the mum is uncomfortable with me I don't know why as I am nice .
Dh thinks she is over competitive and jealous as ds is top in things but I don't think that's likely.

[vvvodka]

to the op. its an excellent learning oppurtunity for your ds that the world isnt a nice fluffy place where everyone follows socila rules andettitquettes andis nice.
this is what the real world is like, and its good for him to learn abou ti in tbh, sucha gentle way.

[labyrinthine]

So todays learning opportunity would be ...ds,you thought these boys were two of your best friends but they aren't as nice as we thought or don't like you as much as we thought

[labyrinthine]

Have to go now for a bit.

Bizarrely ds is going to one of the other 5 boys birthdays today as a special play and the two boys are also going so I may see their mum which is partly why I posted this !

Any tips anyone?

[purepurple]

This just makes me feel glad that DD is now at high school and is organising her own social life based on who she likes and doesn't like. I no longer have the follow the rules on party politics. And what a fecking relief it is too!
FWIW I have declined party invitations because they have been during the week and I don't drive, I work till 5.30 and DD went to an after school club. If there wass no way I could get DD to the party then she couldn't go.

[labyrinthine]

There is a big difference between a large party and a small group of friends.
And being unable to attend or not~the mum was free as she drove them locally to their 30 min lesson.

If ds has been ill/away/whatever and unable to attend I have always suggested he does a card for his friend to show he cares and is sorry he couldn't attend[close friend obviously].

[purepurple]

labyrinthine
you are obviously a very caring person
unfortunately, not everyone else is.
You will just have to accept that people have different ways of handling situations.

[vvvodka]

yes labyrinthine, that is exactly the lesson he will learn, but without the sarcasm

purple, the kids can only organise their own social lives once they have some skills to do so, and these are best learnt at a younger age, than older. as adults, we know that we are not always invited to every party, and we also know, that we cannot do a big party and not invite one person out of a group of for example 25, coz thats just plain rude, whether we like them or not. etc etc.
social skills are learnt from practicing and watching other people around us.

[labyrinthine]

The reason for posting was to think what the reason,if any, might be ~ apart from the not being such good friends/as nice as we thought option,vvvodka.

The same group [5 of them]are currently at the do today ~ apart from the sixth boy who was invited and is away.

I accept people are different but I still think it is not very nice and this has changed my opinion of the family.

[labyrinthine]

Stewiegriffinsmum of course I thought of that and I do invite them but their problems are behavioural not developmental[mainly I think but of course can't be sure of that] and are violent with other children while their mums do not do anything ~ so a lot of people don't invite them because their dcs don't want them there~but even so anyway ds likes them and I do invite them.

[Chrysanthamum]

I don't like when my son gets left out of parties as we're really careful about including other kids at his parties. We even insisted that he invite the one boy in his class to that he doesn't like to his party so as not to leave one kid out. Although I wouldn't do that again, I think its important to try and encourage kids to include others.
However disappointments and let downs are part of life and all that and I wouldn't worry about disapproval its probably not the case.

[labyrinthine]

Yes I agree.

[KiBe]

try and get your son doing a fun activity at that time instead so it's not such a big deal

[macdoodle]

Sorry YABU, but I do understand - but I am afraid this is life and the sooner your son gets used to it the better!
My DD1 is 8, and was desperate for a certain activity for her birthday (an expensive one), after inviting her 2 closest friends, one in her class, one not, twins in our street who she plays with every day (in a year older class), I really could only stretch to afford another 2 girls (there are about 6/8 girls in her class that play together), so she had to pick 2, I have no doubt the other girls felt left out And one mum has been decidedly cold to me since!

I didnt do it to be mean or thoughtless, and we did think a lot about it, the options were doing something less expensive/fun that she didnt really want to do so we could invite them all, but its her birthday!!

I did ask her not to talk about it at school or make a big deal of it, and if the other girls asked (only one did, the one with the cold mum funnily enough), to just explain that I had said she could only take 2 more and so she had had to just pick 2 but it didnt mean that they weren't all her friends!

Its a minefield, but it gets worse as they get older, and ummm well you know what life isnt fair is it!

[mumeeee]

YABU. They were only allowed to invite 3 and thay can invite whoever they want. They don't have to invite your DS and he awsn't the only one left out. Thier Mum probably aske the boys who they wanted and she probably could bot aford to have more than 3.

[labyrinthine]

Their friendship group is of six boys[as I previously thought anyway]so he was the only one really.

[CristinaTheAstonishing]

LynetteScavo - that's just bizarre, isn't it.

Cat64 - don't be ridiculous, of course I don't expect to invite or be invited at every distant acquaintance's party. But when my son was younger he invited the whole class, I think it's easier this way. Not worth the aggro for that extra £50 to leave a few children out. (On one occasion he left a couple of kids out because they misplaced the invitations - either my DS or the other boys.) Now he's older he has smaller parties (only 4 others yesterday) and gets invited to fewer as well.

I think many say they can view this in a detached and dispassionate way and a good lesson for life etc. but I think you're being disingenuous, really. It hurts and you get a bit irrational.

[CatherineofMumbles]

Can see both sides...In DS 1's class after reception people only invited close freinds, like the 3 in the OP. In DS2's class the norm has been to invite all the boys. We have gone with the flow, but tbh I prefer the DS1 class approach, but have not dared to break the vibe. By the age of 8 they are capable of choosing their closest friends and that should be respected. For playdates, we only invite a 'selected' few now, but DS2 also understands that we can only accept invites from those we will invite back - I do NOT think it fair to accept a playdate from a child he does not want to invite to ours.

[Maleeka]

Well some of you can call me a tight, thoughtless bitch because i'm only letting my daughter have 3 friends for her birthday out of the 7 in her class.

I'm happy that a lot of you have the money to invite everyone but its not always the case!

If i had the money i'd invite them all, but i'm not gonna get myself into more debt just to spare her friends feeelings.

[macdoodle]

Cristina when you have that extra £50 it may not be a big deal, but when that may be your grocery shopping for the week then its a helluva lot!

[2rebecca]

I think 3 kids for 1 child is fine, we often had that amount. 3 between 2 seems a strange number though, it's not even 2 friends each.

[piscesmoon]

I guest per age of the DC seems sensible to me. I can never understand why everyone has hords, when their DC doesn't play with half of them, and then by the time they are more sociable and parties matter they cut right down-it all seems topsy turvy to me! A 5 yr old would have a much nicer time with 4 DCs they know well.

[CristinaTheAstonishing]

My DS played with all his friends and he loves going to parties. It's a bit difficult having a football party with only 2 others, or hiring an inflatable castle for just 5. Nothing topsy-turvy about reducing the number the older and the more social skills they get. They become more discriminating.

I take the point about £50 extra mattering for some but then that's all choices we make. For me it has been worth it to avoid any ill feelings.

[labyrinthine]

I think it wouldn't have seemed so bad if they had chosen a friend each or two friends each but somehow choosing 3 between them[or being allowed 3 between them]seems worse as it sort of seems like at that point they ran out of friends to ask lol.