to think not inviting ds to party is mean?

[labyrinthine]

By labyrinthine on Fri 23-Oct-09 23:38:16
ds just turned 8 and invited two brothers to his party ~ they couldn't come because they went to their usual after school activity ~fair enough.They were the only ones who didn't come out of 15.

They now have their own birthday and have been allowed 3 friends and have invited 3 boys out of the 7 in the class ~ not ds.
ds has been good about it but is upset as he thought they were two of his best friends~and as I've heard the boys asking to come over and choosing him usually as a partner etc in school I was surprised.

I think it's a bit mean as he is the only boy left out of their playing group and I would never do that.
Also they have talked all week about who may or may not come and named them one by one .

ds has previously said that their mum has said they are not allowed to come over as she is very strict but now wonder if there is some reason.

Maybe I'm too soft but we are always so careful not to leave anyone out I feel a bit sorry for ds.If he had only been allowed 3 friends I would have asked him to keep it fairly quiet I think.

[labyrinthine]

I know her quite well for the last 3 years but not as a close personal friend.I think everything has to be just so and they are not allowed friends over but she is nice,perhaps not very open aand friendly but a nice person and good parent I think.Possibly quite competitive.

[labyrinthine]

ok well I think that is enough obsessing lol perhaps I just don't invite them over for a while,thanks all.

[cherryblossoms]

labyrythine - I'd take the opposite approach and invite ds' friend over a lot. He's your ds' friend and it seems mum is ... odd, so you shouldn't leave it in her hands to facilitate the friendship.

He'll get bigger and eventually start to tell his mum who he wants to see.

It's bad luck when our dc's friends have ... difficult ... parents.

[labyrinthine]

cat64 haha I know most of that is true but I still think it odd not to go to a party of a friend~because you are doing it for the host,not yourself.

[2rebecca]

I have always let my kids decide if they want to go to non-family parties. So far they have never said no, but if they didn't want to go I wouldn't insist.
It does sound as others have said as though maybe they aren't as keen on your son and he is on them, but 3 friends between 2 boys isn't very many so he may have been number 4 friend. You sound a bit paranoid reading all sorts of things into it.
I would just have said "oh if they could only invite 3 it's sad you're not going but most other boys in the class aren't going either" and left it at that.
Life's too short to look for hidden meanings and snubs.

[piscesmoon]

I would agree entirely 2rebecca-I would have had exactly the same response. My DSs always had small parties and I left it entirely up to them to do the invitations. I couldn't possibly go along the 'you went to their party, they must come to yours' line because some people had huge parties and I don't see why I should be pressurised to do the same. Life is full of small disappointments-help them brush it off and move on.

[grumpypants]

I don't think many people go by the invite those who invited you thing. We always have a biggish parties for ds (he has about two friends, has not broken into any groups, and has difficulties socially ) but I want him to feel that he still got to do the party thing and I don't think he gives it much thought tbh. There is one boy I really didn't want to include this year as he has never invited ds, his mum never speaks to me, but that would have ben my issue not ds'.

[posieparksherbroom]

The parents seem horrid, three friends for two boys. Almost as if any more than that your ds would have to come, they must have known he couldn't if it was just three.

[grumpypants]

posie - at fanning the flames of paranoia!

[piscesmoon]

If you only want 3 friends there is no reason to have 7 friends!! It is much better to ease DCs over the small disappointments in life and teach them to handle them, than to get all upset on their behalf.

[piscesmoon]

I can see why the whole thing is a mine-field, it should be simple-you have a party and invite a few friends-there is no need for it to become a sort of UN diplomacy type affair!
It is the disadvantage of a small class. I'm not sure that I would want mine in a class of seven-it gives a very small friendship pool and things are bound to get more intense.

[abra1d]

Do you think they turned down your party invitation because they knew that they'd be pushed for numbers when it came to theirs?

[QuintessentialShadowsOfDoom]

I was just going to post what abra1d posted. Most likely the mum knew your boy was not going to be invited, so wouldnt let her sons go to your boys party.

A few years ago, my ds1 had a best friend in his class. His mum did not like this friendship, and he was never allowed over to play. Not even with mum present, I invited them both over for tea on numerous occasions, she always declined. It was a shame, as the boys played well in school, they were the only two "quiet" boys in a very boisterous class. I got along fine with her, so I dont know why she was so opposed to this friendship. I guess you can never know peoples motives, but dont assume it is YOU or YOUR SON. Most likely it is HER.

Sorry, not helpful....

[madamearcati]

I would be very careful about leaving out just one child in a group , although it is difficult sometimes especially when it involves transporting the children and spaces in the car.
Re declining party invitations.I have to say that sometimes I have done this. Often I feel my DCs are invited just to make up the numbers and with 4 DCs having to fork out £10 per time for prsent and card , it gets expensive if you have 2 or 3 parties every week.
Also some activities are really expensive for example riding costs £12 per session here gymnastics £7, stage coach about £30 (?) , and if I 'd paid in advance for 2 or them I would be reluctant to miss for the sake of a party.

[labyrinthine]

Hi
I think she didn't want the boys to come and then she would not have to invite ds,yes.

I'm not bonkers or paranoid it is just slightly odd imo.
There are over 20 in the class,8 boys, one boy has serious behavioural problems as does a second to a lesser degree.That leaves the bros and 4 and as far as I was aware on all school trips and special events the 2 boys have desperately wanted to be with ds.He has usually wanted to share with them too although not always as he has a closer friend.
Ds is a popular member of the class is very well behaved and was just voted by the class as school prefect type of person in his class.
I would not force him to go to others parties cat64 but if it were a close friend I would expect him to go as it is kind to go to peoples parties if it is small and they are a friend.I mean these aren't little toddlers anymore.
ds party was 10 of his age[3 classes though] and family/siblings[2 were invited after bros couldn't come].
The bros family are not struggling financially they are well off and middle class.

As I said before I was bemused they missed his party for a minor reason,them not asking him is ok but added to them not coming is a little odd as we have all been in the same small knit social group of events for 3 yrs.

I am not paranoid but I think it a little rude and has confirmed a suspicion that the mum is either a bit ott controlling or has a problem with us.

The op was cut and posted from primary educ so should have said about them not coming rather than ds not invited which is a shame but I would never presume ds to be invited.

[TspookyChasm]

Re Beavers: sometimes things are going on where you are expected to turn up. Ok it's not set in stone, but it does introduce the concept that if you have made a committment to be there (or have perhaps paid in advance for a Beavers outing) you can't pick it up and drop if something else comes along.

Maybe the boys didn't decline to go, maybe that's how it was put to them by their parents. That's how I present things sometimes.

Just a thought. I know parties and children being left out is a tricky area though.

[PeterAndresSkidmarks]

Poor ds. My ds1 used to have a friend whose mum was a bit hot and cold about parties and inviting over. I was glad when the friendship eventually fizzled out.

[piscesmoon]

As a past Beaver Leader-I didn't mind them doing something else and missing an ocassional meeting but they had a commitment. I was there every week (for free) and I expected the same from them. Maybe it was a special Beaver evening.
Whatever you think of it yourself I would pass it off lightly to the DS.

[labyrinthine]

Maybe I should sum it up by saying its not world shattering but perhaps just not very nice.

[labyrinthine]

Yes of course I told ds it was because of their activity they couldn't come and re their own trip they have said they could only have a small number.
I find 3 odd anyway ~wouldn't it have been better to have a friend each?One of the boys asks for ds all the time and I'm pretty sure he would have asked for ds which is why it is odd.

[LynetteScavo]

CristinaTheAstonishing DD and I were dropped like hot cakes when we announced we wouldn't be going to the same school as her nursery friends.

labyrinthine Try not to be to upset. What happend isn't nice, but chilren's parties are a political mine field, and it seems impossible to get through childhood with out being stung (blown up? ) at some point.

DS1 was really upset when his best friend ddidn't invite him to her 7th party because she was having only girls. I hadn't got over iit 8 months later, and didn't invite her to his. I now wish I hadn't been so childish.

[LynetteScavo]

labyrinthine - maybe their mum doesn't like you.

Do you smell?