to feel really let down on a grand scale

[nikkibig]

Hi, I'm getting married in 2 weeks time My hen do was last weekend. We had arranged a weekend away in London. Saw a show Fri night, health spar Sat morning, nice meal, night out then home on Sunday. It had been months in the planning and arranging.

I had invited 11 of my good, close friends. The week running up to the hen weekend, 4 pulled out, with, to be fair, genuine reasons. I felt a bit down that I would miss their good company but understood.

Then on the Wednesday, another 2 pulled out with lame excuses (suddenly realized they couldn't afford to go was main reason ).

Then on the Friday morning, hours before we set off, 2 others say they'd decided to "leave it this time" as they felt it wouldn't be much of a "do" after so many others had pulled out. I left for London that afternoon with my sister, cousin and 1 best friend.

We had a good time and the 3 that came made an extra effort for me seeing as so many had let me down

The ones that didn't come did apologize but didn't seem to think it was that much of a deal and are now acting like nothing happened, all jolly and happy and seem totally oblivious to how much they've hurt me.

I can't help but feel totally let down on so many levels and incredibly hurt. These are not acquaintances, these are, or so I though, long term, good, trustworthy friends.

I can't seem to let go of the anger and grudge that I'm holding against the ones who let me down. I told them how utterly disappointed and hurt I was that they were not coming. I'm so cross I don't even want to see them in the bloody wedding

I've just had the photos printed in Boots and I've realized how depressed I look in every photo

[anonymous85]

I'd be very sad and pissed off. I wouldn't make any effort for those friends after that.

[Twintummy]

I think it's outrageous that they pulled out with some a lame excuse.(The first lot I can understand and would let that go). I've got a very fiery temper and would probably tell them to fuck off!

[teameric]

YANBU but at least you had a good time with the ones that could be bothered. This is one of the reasons I didn't want a hen do but ended up just having a night out with a few friends, less hassle.

[curiositykilled]

£70 is rather good for all that! I think they should have told you much earlier and it was very mean of them not to as it's left a bad feeling before the wedding but you need to move forward, they'll probably be at the wedding but IME you may not even notice. I hardly managed to speak to anyone at our wedding! Some people came that I didn't speak to at all. I didn't even speak to my gran!

[francaghostohollywood]

"they'd decided to "leave it this time" as they felt it wouldn't be much of a "do" after so many others had pulled out".

This is really immensely rude, imho. YANBU.

[sayithowitis]

Well, I don't think YABU to be sad, but ultimately you hae to respect their decisions. You have no way of knowing that they could afford it, or that something hasn't 'come up' that is a higher priority on their finances than your hen night. I don't think that the amount they earn is really anything to do with it, because IME, people tend to live to their income, which often means that when some unexpected expense crops up there is not always the money available to pay and something else has to be sacrificed.

And it does sound a lot of money, even 'just' £70 would be way too much for me. I appreciate that the spa was already paid, but even so, maybe they genuinely did not have the extra £70 available for the costs on the night.

I do agree that those who cancelled on the Friday were thoughtless, but maybe they aren't as good friends as you thought.

If it was me, I would tell them how sad I was that they couldn't make it and then let it go. If they were to let me down again though, it would be a different story and I would question whether I wanted to continue with their 'friendship'

FWIW, it is very hard to admit you can't afford to do something that you would love to do. I have to do it frequently. Thankfully my friends understand that financially i cannot compete with them and they don't take umbrage when I say I can't manage to afford whatever the event is.

[Soupspoon]

YANBU
Very bad behaviour from all but the first four. Unfortunately these things don;t matter as much to some people as they do to others; let it go if you can.

[BalloonSlayer]

My jaw dropped reading this bit - "2 others say they'd decided to "leave it this time" as they felt it wouldn't be much of a "do" after so many others had pulled out."

How did they think you were going to feel, then?

Fuck me, I've heard it all now!

YANBU, btw

How did you get over the show tickets, though? Didn't they have to be booked and paid for in advance?

[countrybump]

YANBU, but probably have to get over it if you want to stay friends. Although, I think the last 2 that pulled out probably aren't that good friends!

I would, and always have, made a real effort to go to friend's hen dos, even when they do cost a lot. It's a one off thing isn't it, and usually you know in advance that it is going to happen and what it will cost and so you can budget for it, and if it is a real problem, say so early enough so the bride at least knows you can't be there.

I'm still gutted that I missed a good friend's hen weekend, but I had a new baby and couldn't go. At least I was able to let my friend know months before that I wouldn't be there and we arranged to do something at a different time instead. I think the two friends that let you down at the last minute were wrong to do so, but also you should have let them know that at the time (although you were probably too shocked at what they were saying to respond!).

I hope you have a wonderful wedding day.

[TombliBOOOOOObs]

YANBU

I have no problems with people who think that hen parties are the work of the devil as mentioned earlier, but wouldn't it just be basic manners to say no at the start?

Like BalloonSlayer, I can't belieive that the last ywo to pull out did so because they didn't think it would be much of a do

Those two would be where my anger would be truly placed.

[famishedass]

Ach, let it go, why be bitter about it, you had a nice hen do and you'll be having a lovely wedding too.

Do you really want to look back in years to come and remember your wedding day because you uninvited a load of friends after a row, or would you rather look back and see your wedding day surrounded by friends who were all happy to celebrate with you.

Seriously, move on, it's not worth it.

And next time you get married, just have a drink and a meal in your local for you're hen do. - for some reason, a lot of people resent spending hundreds on hen does, I wonder why?

[ImSoNotTelling]

YANBU at all I would be really upset too. 4 months to save £70 is plenty of time. And as for the last two, they are horrible.

For those saying that they probably had something unexpected come up (both of them?) I think it's taking the benefit of the doubt too far. The most likely answer is when it came to it they simply couldn't be arsed, then the other two pulled out because their mates weren't going.

The whole thing is shitty. OP i think you have to carry on with them as usual with wedding etc but now you really do know who your frineds are. Trt not to let it upset you too much, on your big day concentrate your efforts on those who you know do love you

[girlsyearapart]

yanbu.

Have it again and I'll come £70 sounds like a good deal

[ImSoNotTelling]

I'll come too (well if I wasn't BFing a baby!)

[Casserole]

Ooh, me too!

(yaNNNbu)

[BalloonSlayer]

Me as well.

[nikkibig]

Aaah thank you for offering to come I should have posted this thread before going!

BalloonSlayer - the show tickets were booked online 3 weeks in advance (and everyone payed for their own ticket at that time). Same with the spa, everyone payed their share 4 months in advance for that. They'd already payed for most of it! It was just drinks and food that had to be payed for on the actual weekend. The ones that pulled out lost everything they'd already payed for, which in a way makes it more of loss for them than me!

FWIW, I do not plan to uninvite them at all. Rise above it right?

[ImSoNotTelling]

That's the spirit nikki

Have a fantastic wedding

[porcamiseria]

YANBU to be hurt, but Hen dos are turning into such a performance these days. No matter how much people love you, in all honesty they probably cant afford an entire weekend on top of the wedding costs too, and life is expensive these days. To be honest I think you were a bit ambitious to go for a such a big weekend. And this may sound harsh, but as important it is for you, they may have had other shit going on. My mate recently had the exact same thing happen to her, and she was really hurt too.

But they should have said NO from day 1 rarther than cancel so rudely at the last minute.

For whats it worth everyone seems to bitch about hen dos these days, so I dont think its just you. I know thats no consolation, but people seem to really resent the whole shebang.

Hope you have a lovely wedding

[BLeedINGandLovingit]

Two couples pulled out of our wedding at the last minute - one phoned DH the day before, and one on the day. Both excuses were totally legit... if they'd told us so in the beginning (cost and another wedding). In both cases they were couples who are old friends of DH's who I don't know. And I feel no guilt whatsover about the fact that as far as I'm concerned, I am not going to make any effort with either of them in the future. I will see them if they're around, but I will not go out of my way to spend time with them.

YAabsolutelyNBU about being pissed off and hurt but the ones who pulled out with such weak excuses at the end. Especially if they'd already paid the bulk of the cost - I'm a bit surprised that they didn't think you should reimburse them to be honest.

I don't think you should uninvite them to the wedding, no. But I do think you should think about what kind of friends these people are. Some people will say this is petty, but I'd also take a careful look at your seating plan for the wedding itself - make sure they're not sitting too close to you or whatever, because it will just irritate you if you see them there.

[slowreadingprogress]

I think they were showing what is imo a very common feeling that it's just too much fuss now for hen do's.

70 quid is a helluva lot to me and if you put that together with wedding presents, outfits, taxi or travel costs to the wedding it is a hell of a lot of money, more than I have spare for spending in an entire year - honestly. I don't think you should think of it as not much. It is a major cost.

I think everyone should really calm down about hen nights.

If you do want a big do then I think it's fair enough that only your very closest will make that investment.

Yes they should have said no from the off but people want to show willing etc, it's often when the reality hits that they realise they just can't/don't want to!

[EightiesChick]

YANBU. Yes these things can be expensive (although £70 is great value IMO!) but it's an issue of politeness and consideration. If you can't afford something, have the guts to say so at the time - people respect and understand this in my experience, and then they/you can always offer to do something cheaper with them on a separate occasion. Leaving it till the last minute is cowardly. The last 4 have behaved very badly.

I agree don't uninvite them to the wedding, as that would show as big a lack of class on your part as their withdrawal from your hen do did on theirs. I do understand how hard it is to let this stuff go - I have found it very difficult with similar things. Posted recently in AIBU about how annoyed I am at not getting cards from work colleagues when my DS was born: I know I should let this go, yet months later it still bugs me every time I see an email saying it's someone else's birthday! I mention it because the way I'm dealing with this is to carefully re-evaluate how much I will put into interactions with these people in future, and I think you should do the same. You can stay friends with them but on a shallower level, IYSWIM. I would not make any plans with them that you are at all invested in (ie only meet them if you know others are definitely going, or if you're going yourself anyway). I would, for instance, not bother doing Christmas or birthday presents with them anymore if you currently do this - though, of course, you need to tell them to be fair so they don't buy for you (though IMO you don't need to say why, you just say 'let's not bother' or similar). I'm sure other people will think this is being bitter; I see it as protecting yourself from future upset.

There are two ways to go with this course of action: tell them openly that you're doing this because of how they handled your hen night, or just let your actions speak for themselves. Personally I favour letting actions speak louder than words, because with these kinds of people, they never really get why you're upset - if they did, they wouldn't have behaved like this anyway.

[spookyrookie]

YANBU I think it is plain weird to pull out of an event that you have already mostly paid for. Even if I wasn't that bothered about going I'd still go because I wouldn't want to lose what I had already spent.

Agree with eightieschick, perhaps these aren't as good friends as you think, but don't let it spoil your wedding.

[BLeedINGandLovingit]

I am going to reiterate my YANBU because I think quite a few people have focused on a) the cost and b) the "fuss" of a hen party. Under no circumstances does that excuse your friends' behaviour. If you think hen parties overpriced and a hassle, fine, but then don't agree to say yes from the start. And if you do decide you absolutely made a mistake, demonstrate more sincere apologies.

This honestly drives me absolutely crazy. Too many people think that things being expensive or a a bit of a hassle are a legitimate excuse to do what you like, even if you mess other people around. If you've agreed to do something and the cost and time implications were clear from the start, then behave like a rational human being and actually do it. The time to decide the cost and the hassle are too high is at the start, not the day before.

If it really wasn't such a big deal, how come all the stories people tell are about when it happeend to them? No one is posting to say "YABU - I did this two weeks ago for my friend's hen do and I had every right to do so because it was too expensive and even though I'd agreed months ago, I decided on the day it was too much". There may be a few times when it's genuine "I'm really sorry, the boiler went last night and we're simply going to have to put the money that we'd allocated to the hen party towards the cost of a new one". But that doesn't seem to be the case here so...!

[Sunshinemummified]

YANBU, especially with regards to the last two. If I was one of your close friends the fact that others had pulled out would make me more determined to go and ensure you had a good time. Totally unacceptable behaviour imvho. I hope you have a wonderful wedding day to make up for it.