More of an 'is it unreasonable' to want a small wedding?

[MonsterUnderTheBed]

DP and I have been together 5yrs, we planned on gettin married a couple of years ago but never got round to it - lots of stuff going on.

Anyway, I don't like being the centre of attention, and would not be having a big wedding with a big dress etc.

I wanted to get married when we were on holiday in Vegas with DS, but DP wants his Dad to be at the wedding, so we didn't get hitched. I don't mind this really.

So, I was thinking we could get married in registrars with closest family and a couple of friends. I would prefer to get married with only DP's Dad and Stepmum present, but can understand why this would upset the rest of the family.

I have made a list of DP's family - just parents and siblings, and done the same for mine and then included my best friend and her husband and DP's best friend. The total stands at 27. I think I could just about deal with 27 folk watching me get married to DP.

The problem is DP thinks his grandparents and aunts and uncles would be annoyed that they weren't invited and that folk on my side would not be impressed either - so I'm a bit stuck. I think that if we told anyone our plan of getting married in registrars with 27 folk, they would try to convince us to do it somewhere else, so that we could invite more people.

There is a limit on how many people you can have in registrars, but I expect it is probably more than 27, but I don't know.

My plan was to get them all to meet us in town for a pretend meal and get them to dress smartish(not that it matters, there would be no photographer) Then take them to registrars and get married - simple. Am I mad - is this a very crazy/stupid thing to do??

The main thing is, we want to get married (DP doesn't care where or how big, as long as his dad is there) I don't want hundreds of folk at the wedding (we both have lots of extended family) I don't want it to be a big affair. I also don't really want people to know, so that they can't be prepared and bring a camera(although some of them bring cameras everywhere with them)

So AIBU to want soemthing really really small?

[sabire]

YANBU

It's your wedding - do what suits you.

I had about 30 people in a registry office for my wedding, then we all piled over to the pub afterwards and took over the bar area. In the evening about 12 of us went to the restaurant upstairs from the pub. We hadn't booked, but luckily there was space for us. It was a lovely day. I would have hated a big wedding.

[MonsterUnderTheBed]

Just wanted to come back on and say thanks again for all your replies.

Have spoken again to DP, he assures me that he does not mind who else is invited as long as his Dad is there, he doesn't feel terribly comfortable about getting up in front of 100+ people.
He is concerned that his Mum will want to make a big thing of our wedding, and that if she knew in advance she would try to make it bigger and invite loads of people she wants to 'impress' like she did with DP's sister's wedding. She believes that people get married so that they can get gifts He specifically does not want the size of wedding that both of his sisters had - which was 200 people at each do.

I think everyone will be able to make it, they all live close together and so far(well, for the past five years anyway) have made it to every family meal without a hitch. So if we used a family meal as a ruse, it should work out fine.

I do believe it is our day, it should make us happy and should be done how we want it. I don't believe we should be made to feel uncomfortable on our wedding day. So if I want small, and DP doesn't mind as long as his Dad is there, then we should be able to do it in the registrars.

I just want simple, quick and easy.

I should not have to have a big wedding to satisfy anyone else. And I do not believe, and neither does DP, that a wedding is for the parents as much as the bride and groom.

But, thank you all for your replies

[Feierabend]

Your wedding, you do it your way. People WILL be pissed off but they'll get over it. Have a lovely wedding day

[dollyparting]

I wrote a very similar post a couple of months ago. We are getting married in 5 weeks time with only my dds there as witnesses.

Taking on board the advice from here, we thought deeply about who might be hurt / upset if they were not invited, and we checked out ideas with a couple of key family members.

We were honest with everyone about how we felt (both shy, not wanting to be centre of attention, hating the idea of speeches etc) and we know that we will be getting married in the way we want, and with the blessing and love of our families.

Interestingly when I told my best friend, she was the person who was most difficult - she cried and said how much she wanted to be there. I glad we kept it really, really small because I think she would have found it more difficult if we'd had all our family there, but not her.

[doughnutty]

My DH and I had 26 guests at the wedding. When we told our parents we wanted it small we had final say because we were paying. Both DMs wanted Aunts and Uncles which would have made it much bigger.

We compromised. We had a party after the honeymoon where we had speeches, cut the cake, had our 'first dance' etc. Our parents wrote their invite lists first and we made up the numbers after they invited who they wanted.

It's important to remember that they probably didn't have much say in their own wedding day and yours is as much for them as you.

[mellifluouscauliflower]

Not unreasonable but I think you really risk people who are important to you not coming if you don't tell them in advance.

Something else to consider is maybe a wedding isn't supposed to be 100% comfortable. It's standing up in front of EVERYONE and saying you love each other and you will stay together forever. Should it really be easy? Maybe it should be outside your comfort zone to really mean something.

I too hated the idea of getting married and being the centre of attention. But I did it for my Mum and Dad. I felt I owed them a big day with everyone they love.

Kind of feel sorry for grandparents too..

[Poohbearsmom]

I only had 3 guests at mine!! My sister, my bestfriend and my husbands bestfriend... It was so special and lovely we were all so happy. I couldnt hav done the whole big family thing as i come from a rather broken family and it would hav bn an awful nightmare instead of the lovely day it was... We had parties with our friends after and i wouldnt hav had it any other way... Hav a wonderful time and do it ur way, its the marriage thats important not the wedding

[tearinghairout]

YANBU. I had 25 people at my wedding. My MIL kept going on about how we 'ought' to invite various relatives I'd only met twice - tough. DH didn't mind either way.

OK - a few points. If you invite people you know well, you won't feel uncomfortable being the centre of attention. All the attention will be positive, people are happy for you, it gives a sort of nice feedback. So don't worry about that aspect.

But, to balance all the YANBUs - my neighbour is a widow in her 60s whose DS, his GF and their dch live a couple of hours away. They got married recently with only 2 witnesses, didn't dress up etc. They told her a couple of weeks beforehand but said no-one but the witnsses were invited, so not the dw's parents either. Understandably, my neighbour doesn't understand.

So, it's a balance. Personally, I don't think that arranging a meal and then springing it on people is a good idea. They might not understand - give them time to anticipate it, buy nice clothes etc. Hopefully it only happens once, so make the most of it!

[Monsterspam]

YANBU - would definitely have a photographer (or at least a friend) taking pics though as you'll want to remember the day.

[mmrred]

So long as both of you want the same, go for it! We found it easier to have a 'rule' that way fewer people were offended - we had our parents, (4) kids (1 each) and siblings and their families (9)

We booked a country hotel, siblings paid for their own rooms (instead of presents - anyone who felt they had cash to spare was directed to our favourite charities) and we had the ceremony, then all went to the hotel spa - kids loved it - and then evening meal. It was perfect.

[golgi]

We had about 20 invited guests, plus another four that my MIL invited until I told her that if she didn't stop I'd call the whole thing off, she had more lined up I think!

A friend of mine had a wedding in the guise of a "magical mystery tour" - we were told we were meeting at her house then going to a secret location - which turned out to be the registry office!

[piscesmoon]

YANBU. Do it your way and tell them afterwards. If they are upset they will get over it.

[Bambinoloveseggbirds]

YANBU. This is your day and hopefully will only happen once - do what YOU think is right and what you want.

We got married a couple of weeks ago and told parents after the event. Mine were fine but DH's mum went mad and still isn't really talking to us, said she'd never forgive us and told DH how disappointed his Dad would be if he'd been alive (which was pretty low IMO). Despite this, we still don't regret how we did it. We had our DS there and 2 close friends as witnesses and it was how we wanted it, not how our families wanted it.

[Leeka]

You say DP doesn't care who is there, as long as his dad is, but you also say 'DP thinks his grandparents and aunts and uncles would be annoyed that they weren't invited and that folk on my side would not be impressed either', so is he actually preferring the idea of a wedding with all of the rellies?

If it is important to him, then I don't think you're being unreasonable as such, but you may need to compromise in order that you both get a day that you're happy with.

[MadBadAndWieldingAnAxe]

YAN in the slightest BU.

Modern weddings have become a terrible show-off fest with zillions of guests (some of whom have to be tracked down for the occasion because they were last seen a decade ago) and obscene amounts of money spent on gimmicky stuff. Have the sort of wedding you want - it sounds as if you are being quite considerate towards your families.

[jumpyjan]

Sounds like a plan.

Also sounds v romantic.

Do it!

Totally understand where you are coming from too - I had a small wedding and loved it. You have to do what is right for you.

[pippylongstockings]

YANBU - Do it do it do it......

I love the idea of a suprise for everyone invited.

My DP and I are going off to get married in 4 weeks time, we have been together 19 years and it has been a suprise birthday present for me. We did consider doing what you are planning to do, but our local registry office can't even book us in for giving notice for another 8 weeks. I have managed to organise the whole thing in an afternnon of phone calls in the city where we used to live with 2 of our close friends as witnesses - we will deal with the family when we get back!

Good luck sounds perfect!

[LifeOfKate]

Yanbu, you need to have it the way you want it.

I had the same issues with standing up in front of lots of people, so we had parents and siblings, 9 including us (or 10, if you count my nephew in utero ). It was perfect, I wouldn't have changed a second of it

[PurplePoppy]

Sorry to be a disenting voice, and maybe it is not being supportive to you, but I was really annoyed when my cousin had a very small wedding with only parents and didnt invite the rest of us. We have always been a close extended family and got on well, and it felt like a rejection of this and of family. I would never treat her any differently, but I felt rather hurt and rejected, and I certainly feel a lot less close to her husband than I do to my other cousins spouse.

I think weddings are great because you get to meet the other side of the family and all the other friends. In my mind, maybe because I'm not religious, marriage is about the union of 2 families and 2 groups of friends, not just the couple. Its also about saying to society (the village, the family, your friends...whoever your society is) this is the person I choose please respect and support our partnership. I can see that if you are religious then it is not about that and more about saying all that to God so then it is a different situation.

Maybe that is not helpful, but it is my honest feelings.

[MonsterUnderTheBed]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I'm so glad no one told me I was crazy for wanting a small one or for wanting to spring it on them in surprise.

Thanks for all your stories. They are all great.

I think we will go ahead and do it as we planned.

[deaddei]

YANBU.
We had 13 to our wedding, and I felt that was 9 too many.
Wish I could do it again, by running away, coming back and having a party.
Have a wonderful day!!

[racmac]

YANBU

I didnt want the big wedding and all the hassal that goes with it.

I went with dh and ds and my mum and IL's to New York and got married there - didnt invite siblings (dh side) as his sister is pain in the

It was brilliant and if i did it again i would have left the inlaws at home

[RorysRacingMa]

Go for it. I too did the small affair and we didn't want anyone to make decisions for us about who should be there etc. So we didn't tell anyone till we'd organised everything, put the invites in the post and then went on holiday.

we invited parents and siblings and my grandfather(only grandparent alive) and about 6 good friends and their children. We totalled 24. The registry office had a couple of rooms available and we went for the smallest.

None of my aunts and uncles have ever said anything about not being invited. i don't think they were bothered - apart from an aunt who was annoyed that her daughter, my cousin, knew before her.

Ultimately you've got to do what suits you not anyone else. It's about you and your relationship with your Dp no-one else.

[rimmer08]

OMG! you are so not BU! i got married abroad with only 7 people there, it would have turned into a circus otherwise; having to invite people you dont like just because they are family. do whats best for YOU and DP. its about you not them!

ps can you tell i have had to have this convo before?