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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think its rude and a bit damn personal asking 'was it planned?'

49 replies

Notbig · 13/09/2009 22:13

pregnant with 3rd and getting fed up with people keep asking this even though yes it was planned.
Even people i dont know very well at all have asked this. Why do people find it their business to ask such a personal question?

OP posts:

TakeLovingChances · 14/09/2009 11:05

I also think it's odd when people say "well done" when DH or I tell them I'm pregnant.

Something with gets my blood boiling (along with people asking if it was planned) is when people say, "...in your condition" I'm 4 months pregnant I'm not sick is what I always reply to them.

Drives me

lal123 · 14/09/2009 11:09

When told that we knew baby was going to be another girl its amazing how many people ask "oh - are you disappointed? Will you try again?" ehmmm -no, after 2 mcs and 6 years of waiting we're pretty ecstatic to be having another girl thank you

BornToFolk · 14/09/2009 11:13

YANBU. I'm getting a lot of questions about whether we are going to have any more as DS is nearly 2 so I think a lot of people think that it's time...

We're not TTC but what if we were and having problems, and people kept asking if any more were planned?

My brother and SIL are TTC their second and SIL has had two MCs, which only close family know about. It would be heartbreaking for them to get the "so, are you going to have any more?" type questions.

Other people's family planning is really not a suitable topic of conversation, IMHO.

katiestar · 14/09/2009 11:16

Wait till you have no4.People won't ask 'was it planned' they'll just assume it wasn't (esp if you have both sexes already)

YANBU it is rude and that along with the -'haven't you got a telly' quips gets very old, very fast.

Stephief · 14/09/2009 11:19

Hi,

I had an evern more shocking experience with my youngest (no 4) I didnt plan her, far from it, dp and I had decided no kids together, I had two and he had 6 from a previous relationship. When my gp discovered I was pg (they thought I had c diff-long story!) she started writing out a referral form for a termination! Yes I was shocked, (I had been on the pill for years, didnt even have periods anymore, never suspected pregnancy!) but she didnt even ask how I felt about being pregnant, just started writing it out, and booking me in for an urgent dating scan to find out of there was 'time to terminate still' (she even said they could have me in for a terminaton the next day if dates were close!) I had never, and would never have a termination, so god knows why she assumed I would want to have one this time! Very odd.

katiestar · 14/09/2009 11:26

Stephiel- shocking doesn't even begin to describe it ! What an appalling thing to do !

OrmIrian · 14/09/2009 11:27

I had number 3 and he wasn't planned. I don't think anyone asked me if it was but I told them anyway.

brimfull · 14/09/2009 11:34

not as rude as getting asked if your baby has the same father as your other child

I get asked this as have 10 yr gap.

Can see their brains ticking trying to figure out why the huge age gap -then suddenly they think they've got the answer -ah ,is it witht he same father ?

even with dh standing next to me -lol

lilysam · 14/09/2009 11:40

My MW even asked me if this baby was planned on my booking in visit

Also have DD and DS [also Angel DD] so people assume we'd never deliberately try for another as we have one of each.

slushy06 · 14/09/2009 11:41

The one that bugged me was when pg with my dd peolpe would say I bet you are really happy it is a girl right in front of my ds but he is not old enough to know they meant that I had one of each he thought women wanted a girl and not a boy he burst out crying in front of one lady and asked her what is wrong with him.

After that I just started saying no I wanted two boys so I am gonna try again that soon shut them up as it happens I would have been happy with either. The one I get now is so you wont need anymore I have said I am not sure yet as I would not mind a third and I am told I can't do that because I all ready have one of each.

YANBU but unfortunately we have to accept that some people want to say something nice but don't have the social upbringing to know what is and is not appropriate.

BornToFolk · 14/09/2009 11:46

I don't think that it's bad for MWs to ask at your booking in visit.

They do need to know your feelings about your pregnancy and what your intentions are, and whether the pregnancy was planned or not could play a part in this.

ErikaMaye · 14/09/2009 11:55

YANBU winds me up no end too... My DP's mate clapped him on the back for "knocking me up" Also dislike the fact that my belly seems to have become a public exhibit. I wouldn't mind if people asked - its when they just touch me, especially strangers. People are odd.

LizzyBirdsworth · 14/09/2009 12:53

I agree, these types of questions are generally made in a bid to make conversation. I've certainly never perceived them to be intrusive or rude.

So yes, I think YABU.

WidowWadman · 14/09/2009 17:41

Erika Maye, just stroke their bellies too, whenever they do it to you. They'll soon stop. That's what I used to do.

arolf · 14/09/2009 17:58

eh, when I bought a pregnancy test in the states, the woman at the counter asked me if it was planned (I felt like saying, no I'm buying it by accident you fuckmuppet).
I must have looked quite taken aback, as she then said 'don't worry, lots of people round here will adopt a white baby'.

It took a while for me to scrape my jaw back off the ground.

my whole family think that my current pg is unplanned, and we can't be bothered to explain that it was actually very planned, just not very sensibly timed. I like buckrogers response though

oldraver · 14/09/2009 20:25

I think the MW asking at booking in if it was planned is also to do with wanting to know if you have started on Folic Acid. There is a yes/no box for it in the blue book.

ErikaMaye · 14/09/2009 23:12

WidowWadman oh I have started doing that. They give you the oddest looks. Especially the men

zipzap · 15/09/2009 00:36

'Yes - We're hoping for a kitten / puppy / alien / Denby dinner service / Blankety Blank cheque book and pen / cuddly toy / [insert whatever silly thing you fancy here) this time' can also serve quite well to deflect the conversation!

If they don't laugh or get embarrassed and challenge it further, you can then go down the 'after you've told me your family planning / sex life secrets first' route or even just 'what do you expect me to say, you've already made your mind up' etc

but you're right - it is incredibly rude and intrusive, particularly from people that don't know you very well.

practice saying some retorts in your head first (including the follow on conversations' and then you will be waiting for somebody to ask you this so you can try out your retort.

Then either way it becomes a win win situation - either you get to throw the conversation back at someone who is not expecting it and make them squirm (don't forget to let us know how it goes!) or because you want them to ask you they won't!

have fun and good luck...

Clary · 15/09/2009 00:44

Yes I had this a lot with no 3 as well.

Also "you're brave" or the rather ruder version "You must be mad". Err no, not either of those thanks.

The thing is, anyone who strays in any way from the required norm of 2 children, for preference a boy and a girl (so, just having 1, having 3, 4 or more, or even having two the same, esp if twins) will be vilified and criticised by others. I did a very bad thing as I already had a boy and a girl, why on earth did I want any more????

They are just rude.

ErikaMaye · 15/09/2009 01:03

I've resorted to saying on a couple of occasions, "I'm really sorry, but I think you must have mistaken me for someone who gives a shit what you think." They tend to be too shocked to reply, or at least give you the time you need to make an exit.

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 15/09/2009 07:28

Am I missing something? Why is having 3 such a big deal? I know people with 3/4 and even comeone with 5

Stephief · 17/09/2009 10:23

Lol between my partner and I, we have 10 kids now!

That normally raises a few eyebrows!

(but no they dont all live with us!)

lljkk · 17/09/2009 12:15

If people are giving the message that they disapprove of the pregnancy, then of course it's rude.

But the question itself is not rude, imho.
Why would it be rude ... is it supposed to be a mark of shame to have unplanned pregnancies? 80 million babies a year worldwide are born as the result of unplanned pregnancies, that's a lot of shame to go around. My mother, MIL, most of my female relatives; we all carry that "shame", too. So when I have asked "Is it planned?" it's in a tone of "Have you had a big surprise like me!?", and not a critique.

mrsmindcontrol · 17/09/2009 20:41

I got preg for the second time when DS1 was 5 months old (not planned unsurprisingly) - had already done about 6 positive pg tests and was at Tesco buying ANOTHER (just to make absolutely sure) test. The checkout lady picked up the pg test, clocked DS1 gurgling away in the trolley and said to me loudly 'ooooh, this for you? bet you'e hoping it's negative, eh? that's be a nightmare having another one now!'.
Oh, um, thanks! Admittedly having DS1 and DS2 14 mnths apart has been hell on earth occasionally but mostly been wonderful! Always meant to complain to Tesco but never got round to it- too busy stuffing my fat face with chocolate!

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