To want to sack the new au pair on day 2. Cast your votes.....

[CoffeeAndCarrotCake]

Ok, we've had a couple of au pairs before, one wonderful and one ok but a bit moody, so we do have some idea of what to expect with them and how to deal with them.

Yesterday I collected the new AP from the airport - she's 20, from France and has loads of brothers and sisters (youngest are 3, 7 and 8) so I thought she had some experience with kids. Since she's been here (ie. since 11am yesterday) she's shown absolutely no interest in DD (2) AT ALL! She barely speaks to me, let alone to DH or DD, and hasn't done a single "nice" thing yet (eg. offer to help with dinner/breakfast/lunch, saying thank you for the presents we got her (chocolates, flowers and lots of v.nice smellies/moisturizers etc.) offer to help with any of the shopping bags, take DD to the toilet, catch DD who was running towards a road while I assembled the pushchair, so I had to dump it on the pavement and run after her myself while AP watched...

She's also asked me to provide notebooks and a selection of coloured pens for her English lessons , and asked to use my adapter plug, and when she broke it by using it for a hairdryer when I said it was only for toothbrush chargers, she said "You need to get me another one, this is now broken." I said that it was my only one, so she'd have to go to an electrical shop if she wants one for her hairdryer, and she looked shocked and said "Oh. Ok, I suppose I could do that if I have to!" (ie. "Surely you should go and get one for me.")

The pens and plugs are kind of neither here nor there (I'll just stay firm and let her buy her own stuff) but I'm not happy to leave her alone with DD yet, as she has not taken any interest in her at all, and she's really pissed me off now.

So what do you think?

[CoffeeAndCarrotCake]

Oh thank goodness for MN! Thanks to brutal gentle coaching and advice on here, I have FINALLY learnt to actually be direct with our APs!

Before dinner I asked if she'd read through the information folder (oh yes - we now have an indexed info folder with house rules, contract, maps, family timetable, ideas of things to do with DD indoors and out...) and, in particular the house rules (which I'd also sent her to read before she arrived), just in case she'd read anything in there which was putting her nose out of joint (eg. we've now added a "we politely ask that you do not help yourself to the alcohol cupboard..." after AP#1 discovered G&T and got through the gin like a dose of salts). Anyway, she said she'd read it and had no questions or issues with it, or any questions or issues generally.

Then I said that I was concerned that she simply wasn't interested in DD and hadn't tried to talk / play with her at all. She said that she didn't think DD wanted to play with her yet and she didn't want to force her. I told her that it was admirable of her to want to take it slowly with DD, but given they were going to be alone together for a couple of hours on Monday, she really needs to try to bond with DD sharpish. I said that she should try her best tomorrow and just talk to her at least or she won't recognise her voice, let alone want to play with her. AP said she'd try. I'm still not going to leave them alone together next week though. DD can stay at nursery longer till DH can pick her up, but fingers crossed things will improve for next week.

As a postscript, after all this, we watched X Factor and every ugly person, she said "Oh! They look so British!" I think this AP relationship might be a rocky one.....

[famishedass]

I know people send lots of e-mails and phone calls to au-pairs before the au-pair arrives but I still think it's a good idea to sit down with them as soon as they arrive, to re-iterate what was said, show them where things are and just generally communicate face to face and make everyones expectations clear.

Is that so bad?

Of course, if she's still nothing but an unhelpful drain on your resources and yet another person for you to worry about (and I've had a couple like this) then yeah, send em back.

[famishedass]

ah x-posts,

I thought au-pairs weren't supposed to be in sole charge of pre-schoolers though, so why would you leave dd with her anyway.

[CoffeeAndCarrotCake]

There are no rules on what APs can and cannot do, it depends on what is agreed between the AP and the host; what the AP feels comfortable with and confident in doing, and what the host trusts them to do.

In our case, our AP needs to collect DD from nursery, walk her home and play with her at our house or at one of my friends houses (with them and their DC too) until DH collects her.

Rare is the AP who is NEVER left alone with a child; if I thought I could not leave my child alone with the AP, I wouldn't really feel comfortable having the AP around my DD at all. Hence the issue.

[moondog]

I agree with Dittany re mixed messages (mind you I coudl think of nothing worse than having a random foreigner turn up and live with me. I'd rather struggle on alone.)

[HerBeatitude]

LOL at the "they look so british" comment

[Doobydoo]

I couldn't trust her.Surely it would be anyones instinct to run after a 2 year old headed for the road?

[frakkinpannikin]

The thing about APs and sole charge of pre-schoolers is about possible damage to linguistic development if child is being looked after by a non-native speaker (of whatever lanuage) for 10/11 hours a day, 5 days a week and is basically their primary linguistic input.

As long as AP has the experience, enough English to communicate with the children and deal with an emergency then it's not a problem.

And, going off on a tanget, your classical AP doesn't exist in law anymore (and hasn't for a while if you're EU) so they're being employed to do a job and it's at the employer's discretion who they hire to do that job.

[CoffeeAndCarrotCake]

Re. mixed messages - in the past, yes, I was very guilty of this, but not with this one. I've been clear about what we expect from her and what we're offering her in return from the begining. I think it is notmal to give them a welcome present. TBH I would also have thought it normal for them to bring a present, even if just a small box of chocolates or a v small present for DD or something, for the family they are going to be living with, but perhaps not...

And Dooby - absolutely! While we were out, 2 strangers helped me with DD (getting up and down steps with pushchair) while AP stood and watched. To receive more assistance from strangers than from somebody I'm actually paying to help me is just nuts!!

[Millarkie]

Totally normal to give a new au pair gifts to welcome them to the house (and also quite normal for au pairs to arrive with chocs for the kids or a calendar from their home town). It's not treating them like a house-guest, it's treating them like a young person away from home. But also normal for them to like children and want to at least talk to littlies
(I've told dh about the 'look so British' comment, he is laughing his socks off and wants to know if she is the French clone of our old au pair (who drove me to tears and cost us a fortune)).

[ingles2]

CC&C did you not say "oi! AP, come and help me with this"?

[Alvira]

You are going to have to let this AP go. She's far too immature to be an AP, to be living in a foreign country and to be looking after a young child.

[CoffeeAndCarrotCake]

Ingles - yes I did ask her to do things (and I had already told her in writing what we expect her to do), but when you hear yourself saying "Why don't you go and talk to DD" or calling to AP who is standing immobile next to DD in the garden "please would you help DD down the steps - that is why she's lifting her arms to you and starting to cry" , it does make you wonder whether there's any hope!

On the good side though, she does have lots of experience with her own little brothers (I've seen the photos of them climbing all over her and larking around) so she must know how to interact with children, even if she hasn't made that connection with DD yet.

[AllotmentMum]

Trust your instincts. We had an AP once when my youngest started school and only went until midday. Your AP sounds very similar to her. We kept on giving her one more chance, when in our heart of hearts we knew it wasn't working. I still shudder when I think of the 4 months we endured before we sent her home. She allowed our 2 children to run ahead of her into the road, and a serious accident was only prevented by an alert driver. She then punished them for being naughty by eating the tea that I had pre-prepared for the kids (having long given up on her learning even simpe cooking)herself and letting them go hungry. She was like this from day one and we should have sacked her that day, but kept thinking that she would settle down and improve. Wrong!

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

Is it possible she is just shy?



I wouldn't give her too many more chances. One is enough I guess as long as she knows the consequences.

[diddl]

I think you need to explain clearlywhat you expect of her.

And she might feel awkward "taking control" of your child whilst you are there.

Your child is your responsibility.

Aren´t au pairs only supposed to take/fetch to and from school/nursery and babysit sometimes?

But at the end of the day, if you don´t feel comfortable with her, don´t kep her!

[victoriascrumptious]

I think you should bin her ASAP