to not want to move in a recession?

[MakkaMoo]

Bit long, apologies in advance. Its also a bit of a WWYD.

DH is Canadian, and we have been resident in the UK for over 10 years now. All throughout DH has been desperate to move back to Canada to be close to his family. I don't have any family here either (I am Indian). While I have been thinking that it may not be such a bad idea to move back to Canada, it was always something that we would do in the future, not right now (IYSWIM). Both of us have had trouble making friends and settling here, but after having had DD I have settled down, and made a few very good friends.

Anyway, crux of the matter, I found out today that DH has applied for and got redundancy from his permanent position. The severance package is very generous, a year's salary, but I am really mad at him because,

a. Its a recession, and I really don't think you should be messing about with a well paying permanent job.
b. I am finally settled down in our village, and happy where I am, including with my job.
c. I don't want to start all over again in a new country.
d. I am scared to death of making a huge life change like this one.
e. DH could have at least listened to my concerns before applying for the redundancy.
f. I enjoyed being able to go back to India for holidays, but now its going to be a huge expense.

I want DH to reconsider his decision. AIBU? Please tell me if I am!!

[MakkaMoo]

Shineon, yes he's done that a couple times before. He accepted a job up north while we were in London and told me after he'd done it... luckily we were relatively young and I was a PhD student, so the move didn't matter at the time.

It matters a lot now!

[expatinscotland]

Oh, he'd be acting alone alright!

Because a real 'partner' wouldn't even consider doing this.

[JeMeSouviens]

If he is in specialised work, has he even checked out the work situation in Canada?

Lots of redundancies in our area at the moment (engineering), thus we are having trouble as expats getting work permit renewals. Of course he won't have this problem, but if there is a glut of people looking for work in his field and he wants to move to a small town, what are his work prospects there?

As for your residency/TWP so you can work, it could be quicker for you having a Canadian DH, but so far it's taken 5 months to get a renewal on our TWP, and they've still not been issued!

[MakkaMoo]

Yes, he's got a couple of leads, but nothing concrete. We have quite a bit of money stashed away (got lucky buying and selling houses here), so we could probably get away with me or even both not working for a year or two while we got settled...

But its the principle of the whole thing. He knows I am very happy with our life here, between us we make enough to go visit both India and Canada every year, DD is very well settled in the nursery, I adore my job... WHY did he have to force the issue of our move now? He says its because the severance package was only being offered for a short while, but I know for a fact that he could have got it next year as well (both work same place, different areas)... its like I don't exist in the relationship?

Like I said, he's sulking at the moment becuase I won't talk to him... every time I say something I get shot down, so I am not even going to try until I calm down.

[JeMeSouviens]

Does he know why he doesn't consult you in the decision making process? Have you beat it out of asked him?

My exH was like this tbh, it was him making all the decisions and me following right up until I filed for divorce.

[expatinscotland]

Sorry but he sounds like a Grade A twat.

He makes an asshole decision like this, tries to unilaterally force you to move to a country thousands of miles away where you don't want to go because it's what he wants, and then sulks that you're unhappy about his so-called decision?

What a dicksmack!

[usedtobeme]

I would be furious if my dh made such a huge decision with out consulting me first.

Id think long and hard before going anywhere with him.

He is acting like a single person not a member of a family.

[MakkaMoo]

Expatinscotland, I like the word dicksmack... it'll show up in our conversation tomorrow

TBH, its been partly my fault. I was brought up in a very conservative Indian family and as a result am unable to stand up for myself very well. My biggest rebellion was marrying my DH, who is white, so its takena toll on how I stand up to him etc, iyswim.

That said he knows he has a bollocking reasonable argument coming up so he's scuttled off to bed. I am still quite mad, so will be sleeping with DD tonight!!

[expatinscotland]

Well, the deal is, though, Makka, if you don't stand up for yourself on this, you are going to be very very miserable.

And it's NOT in any way your fault.

Anyone with a modicum of courtesy or respect for their spouse wouldn't have dreamed of making such a decision without even having the decency to consult them about their feelings on it.

Dicksmack, indeed. He's acting like a total tube.

[ravenAK]

This would absolutely be a dealbreaker for me. I'd tolerate infidelity or addiction ahead of this one.

At some point, the possibility of redundancy must've been floated past him & he could've come home & discussed the implications with you before saying yea or nay. To decide that unilaterally is out of order.

& that's without the 'whilst we're at it, you quit your job too & let's emigrate' business.

It is utterly disrespectful & how DARE he assume he can expect you to meekly fall in? You are supposed to be his partner, not his chattel.

Dicksmack's a good start.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

MakkaMoo, just to go back to something you said in one of your earlier posts - "He's got to take up the offer by next week". Does that mean it's not a done deal yet? I ask because both DH and myself have been through the voluntary redundancy process. You ask company how much they'll give you, they give you a quote, you have to accept quote by signing and until you do you are not redundant.

If that is the case, can you beat him around the head until he cries uncle persuade him that such a major decision MUST be a joint one?

And to echo others, with ILR and your British passport chugging through, now is not the time to up sticks. I know I can be a bit of a conspiracy theorist but the timing seems very off, is there any reason he would not want you to have a British passport?

[MakkaMoo]

Hi, just a quick update. DH sneaked out to work early today... but I think he's realised there's going to be a almighty row reasonable discussion tonight.

I've just had an email from him, suggesting we go home together a little early so we can thrash this out before going to pick up DD.

Anyway, I have decided that, one, we're not moving until I get my British passport and Canadian residency (however long it takes, so I can start working in Canada as soon as we arrive as opposed to having to wait for 6 or so months), two, he can look after DD starting next month and we'll save on nursery fees seeing as he's going to be at home anyway. Three, we are going to India for Christmas, whether or not he wants to come is up to him (I've just booked tickets for the three of us, will tell him am happy to cancel his if he'd rather here) and four, if he pulls a stunt like this again its curtains for our marriage.

How does that sound? Does that sound suitably assertive?

[expatinscotland]

he's very lucky you didn't wish him the best of luck and see ya maybe later.

do not back down or you will pay the price in unhappiness.

[expatinscotland]

exactly, shineon.

[MakkaMoo]

I am still not sure, TBH. Its going to take a lot of persuading on his part to convince me that this move will be worth it for us in the long run. And that is, once all my other conditions are met!

Oh, and I wanted to add that I will not move to this town whatever happens, so again, similar condition... if he wants to move there, he'll be moving by himself!!

Oh, yes, he is very very lucky he's not getting divorce papers served on him for this... only the thought that I cannot put DD through this that is stopping me. We have a reasonably good marriage, if you can get over the unilateral decision making.

But, like I said, its time for me to stand up and make my voice heard!! And if we do move, which is a big if at the moment, I am going to put all these conditions in, including a trip to India every 18 months and getting him to sign it. Not falling for the 'you're the unreasonable one' argument again!

[ninedragons]

I think you need to discuss what happens in the event that you don't like Canada.

I went to China for DH's career and the explicit deal was that I could pull the plug. I hated it, and after two years I'd had enough and we moved back to my home city. DH could happily have stayed in China for the rest of his life, but it certainly wouldn't have been with me.

[MorrisZapp]

Totally, totally unacceptable.

If you don't want to go to Canada please don't go 'for the sake of your marriage'. Nobody on this earth has the right to tell you where to live or to make arrangements for a life change on your behalf.

You sound incredibly easy going to me. If you think you could make a go of it in Canada then great, but my own DP would be wearing his testicles as earrings if he packed in his job without telling me - and we don't have kids.

If you accept the move to Canada then I don't think your stuff about visits home will bother him either way or stop him doing this again - he will have got his way without consulting you.

Of course he'll say 'yes dear' to the small print if you agree to the move. He will have learned that at that point, he can pull the rug out from under you and you will accept it.

[expatinscotland]

'We have a reasonably good marriage, if you can get over the unilateral decision making.'

Nope, I couldn't get over it. To me, that's onot part of a good marriage at all.

[expatinscotland]

'We have a reasonably good marriage, if you can get over the unilateral decision making.'

Nope, I couldn't get over it. To me, that's onot part of a good marriage at all.

[Stigaloid]

I'd be livid if my DH did something like this. It's not a partnership when one person makes such life altering decisions without consulting the other and it's not a fmaily when it isn't discussed with all members. How would your DD feel? How old is she?

Definitely remove her from nursery when he is at home to save on fees and make sure he has a clear list of things he will need to do around the house now he is a SAHD.

I wouldn't go until you feel ready to go, regardless of how long your have citizenship.

Good luck with your reasonable discussion!