Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Unflip

1 2

AIBU?

Am I or is DH

35 replies

starzzz · 16/07/2009 00:32

Got one for the MN Jury.

As basic story as I can give - my mom wanted away from my dad, and so my DH offered for her to come and stay with us, for as long as it took for her to get her own place sorted.

She found a place within a month and moved out. My DH helped her move by driving the removal van and helping move all her stuff (from about an hour away) He help her move her stuff in etc, and then spent the next few weeks getting stuff from various freecyclers that she need in her flat (fridge, cooker and a few bits)

Most of the stuff my mom has in her house is second hand, nearly everything really, apart from a carpet cleaner, which she bought brand new, and cost her a fortune.

now the AIBU bit.... My DH asked if he can borrow the machine. My mom said she would rather clean the carpets herself, as if the machine breaks while she is using it, then she can only blame herself, whereas if it gets broken while we are using it, she will have been gutted that it wasnt her using it IYKNIM. Anyway...when I told my DH this, he totally freaked as he has done so much for her and now he feels she cant even lend him one machine.

I think if she wants to come do it herself then fair enough, he is saying im taking her side in things as usual. Its turned into a big row, and here we are.

What do you guys think??

thanks

OP posts:

Report

mumeeee · 16/07/2009 17:24

Your Mum is being unreasonable.

Pitchounette · 16/07/2009 14:56

Message withdrawn

skidoodle · 16/07/2009 14:25

It's pretty funny that she trusted him fine with all her stuff when she wanted him to be her free removal man, but now he's too much of a risk to be lent a carpet cleaner.

Glad you and your DH have sorted it out.

Tortington · 16/07/2009 13:12

i'd sack it and pay £60 - tell mum to shove it up her arse - how old are you 3 that you aren't allowed to use a carpet cleaner

stupid bint

starzzz · 16/07/2009 13:11

thanks for all your messages, helped me put things in perspective. Ive agreed she was being unreasonable, and so was I to have "sided" with her.

DH and I have talked and both apologised to each other, and im going to ask again to borrow the machine, without her help. DH has agreed to fix or replace the machine if we do break it.

Hopefully I wont be sleeping alone again tonight

thanks again

OP posts:

Lovesdogsandcats · 16/07/2009 13:10

Your mum IBU - very.

You should back up dh and ask her why she feels she cannot trust him. After all he's done as well! I would be pissed off too, don't blame him.
Its a new machine anyway and should not break if being used correctly - if it does, she can get it replaced under the 12 month guarantee .

Stigaloid · 16/07/2009 12:53

I think you and your mum are being totally unreasonable. He has done so much for her and she can't lend him a machine to clean carpets in case he breaks it. How exceptionally selfish. even if he did break it she still owes him big time for the time and effort he has invested in her and her problems. I'm not surprised he is offended not surprised his is upset with you for taking her side.

Chulita · 16/07/2009 12:49

FWIW carpet cleaners aren't all they're cracked up to be anyway (IME of course)

proverbial · 16/07/2009 12:33

I think they are both being a bit unreasonable to be honest.
She should lend him the machine. He should be careful with it and replace it if he broke it.
On balance though, he is the one that is blowing it all out of proportion, shes going through a hard time and is allowed to be a bit unreasonable, he should suck it up IMO.

I do know how he feels though, having an oddly similar experience. Friends of mine were coming home after living abroad, and I found them a flat to rent, sourced freecycled cots, sofas, washing machine and picked them up, helped clean the place, organise etc etc. 2 weeks later asked to use their very fancy carpet cleaner...they said no! And didn't offer to clean my carpets either. I was mightily pissed off I can tell you. What is it with carpet cleaners?

starzzz · 16/07/2009 11:52

I would offer to pay for it, DH Would be pissed off if i did though.

It is that she owes him one... his exact words to me were "after all ive done for her, she wont even lend me one machine"

Im not taking sides.... well i didnt think i was, i just dont see what the big deal is, im sure if he wanted to use her toaster it would be fine with her!

OP posts:

Pitchounette · 16/07/2009 09:22

Message withdrawn

Silver1 · 16/07/2009 09:17

You are being unreasonable-as is your mum. Your husband probably doesn't care about being owed one as such, just about the fact that your MIL treats him like a grown up man when she needs him and like a little boy when she doesn't.
I would tell my mum to forget it then you will hire one. And tell your husband sorry that you seemed to be backing up your mum.

Silver1 · 16/07/2009 09:17

You are being unreasonable-as is your mum. Your husband probably doesn't care about being owed one as such, just about the fact that your MIL treats him like a grown up man when she needs him and like a little boy when she doesn't.
I would tell my mum to forget it then you will hire one. And tell your husband sorry that you seemed to be backing up your mum.

TrillianAstra · 16/07/2009 09:11

"No my DH wouldH not offer to replace it if it were broken while we used it."

Well in that case I can see why she wouldn't want to let him use her one new possession.

She is being a bit precious about it, but it's kind of understandable in her situation. She isn't saying 'no you can't have it', she's saying 'I will do it for you'. It's a bit different.

Can't you just handwave it away to your DH as 'silly old woman, she's got very attached to that carpet cleaner, well let's take advantage of her sillyness and let her clean all our carpets'.

Uriel · 16/07/2009 09:03

The help your dh gave your mother doesn't give him an entitlement to use her things.

I can't believe he/you wouldn't replace the cleaner if it broke while you were using it. Perhaps your mum knows that...

MaybeAfterBreakfast · 16/07/2009 08:54

Can understand why your dh is offended and upset. Your mother is being ridiculously precious and very rude to your dh.

Your mother is being very unreasonable.
YABU if you are taking her side against dh (not clear if you are doing that or just stuck in the middle).

But, for the sake of a quiet life, let her clean your carpets, and perhaps have a word with her and ask her to apologise to your dh. Sounds like she handled that really badly.

piscesmoon · 16/07/2009 08:49

If she has said that she will come and do them when it suits you I think that is a brilliant solution, it saves you a horrible job. If someone wanted to clean my carpets I wouldn't stop them!

starzzz · 16/07/2009 08:40

so mixed opinions then!

No my DH wouldH not offer to replace it if it were broken while we used it.

The problem is i do see it from both points of view, but the biggest issue is the fact that he feels she owes him one... so she should just lend it to him. Its not as if she isnt grateful for the help, and she has done things for us over the past months, and will treat us to a slap up meal when she is a bit more settled, she is just as has been said, a bit precious about the machine, and she didnt say no, she just said she would come and do it for us whenever we wanted.

He didnt even come to bed last night!

OP posts:

stoppinattwo · 16/07/2009 08:38

Maybe she hasnt finished paying for it and is genuinely worried about it getting damaged....if she breaks it she will know exactly what she has done/ or not done to break it.

I think your mum is being completely reasonable, maybe she also feels like she is returning a favour by cleaning your carpets for you.....you and your DH go out and let her get on with it

JodieO · 16/07/2009 08:35

YABU

MamaLazarou · 16/07/2009 08:30

I would just let her come and clean my carpets! Everyone's a winner.

kslatts · 16/07/2009 08:27

I think you and you mother are being unreasonable.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Lulubee · 16/07/2009 08:21

I can totally see your DH's point of view. If it got broken while in your posession, would you offer to replace it? If so, I think she's being a bit precious about it.

That said, I wouldn't have told my DH that my mum didn't want him to use the machine, I'd have just said that she'd offered to clean the carpets herself as a way of saying thanks. In fact, you could backtrack to your DH and make out that that that is what your mum wanted all along- to clean the carpets herself as a thank you - but that she didn't think you'd agree so made up the bit about the machine getting broken... god I'm devious.

piscesmoon · 16/07/2009 08:12

She really should lend it-however I would let her come and clean your carpets, go out for the day and leave her to it.

mrsruffallo · 16/07/2009 08:08

YABU
It's disrespectful and rude to assume he is going to break it, especially when he has helped her so much
I think she is quite out of order actually

Unflip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.