to expect my dp to tell his family what his daughter's full name is?

[weebump]

Myself and dp aren't married, but have a little girl together, and when she was born we discussed surnames. He said he wasn't too attached to his surname (lets say it's "Bloggs"), as his parents divorced when he was young and his mum brought him up on her own. I, on the other hand, quite like my name (let's say it's "Jones"), and always knew I wouldn't change my name if I got married. So when our dd was born she was given my surname - "Baby Jones", no middle name or anything else.

She's now 1.5 years old. Earlier in the year dp's dad sent a card to our dd with the Bloggs surname on it, and it occurred to me then that he didn't know she had my surname. DP didn't correct him.

This morning dp and his brother were on skype. I heard his bro call her the wrong name - Baby Bloggs. It occurred to me that dp's bro hasn't been told otherwise. DP didn't correct him either.

So I said afterwards that it was interesting they all call her by the Bloggs surname, when that's not her name. DP didn't see the issue. Then I said I thought it was a bit misleading for him not to tell them what her surname was, that they should know. Well, he didn't like that at all! Got very upset with me for saying he was being misleading, when it was something he didn't actually even think about. As far as he's concerned her name is her first name only, and he wasn't being misleading, he just hadn't told them. And I was at fault for bringing it up after the fact. Why don't I tell them myself next time they do it?

AIBU??? I really think they should know, especially her granddad, and I think he's the one who should tell them. They're his family. I ended up apologising for saying he was misleading, simply because he got so annoyed, but I shouldn't have apologised, because I think he is being misleading! Aaargh!

[SugarBird]

It's a tricky one - the longer your DP leaves telling them the harder it will be but the 'official' photo idea is a good suggestion for making your DD's proper name known.

DP and I are not married and we gave our kids my surname, with DP's surname as a middle name. We told all the family at the time but even though they know what the boys' names are they all wilfully ignore this and insist on doing double-barrels or just giving them DP's surname on birthday cards etc.

The DC (they're teens now) understand that the older generation gets its knickers in a bit of a twist about this kind of thing and as it doesn't seem to bother them, it doesn't bother us tbh. If it upset the boys we'd be firmer about it, though. And I would be very annoyed if DP hadn't told his family what their names were right from the start!

[Debs75]

It could be a pride thing.
Tradirionally you are married and have taken hubby's name when you have kids. He may feel that his family think your dd should be named in the 'proper' way. with your partners surname.

Personally I feel kids (and hubbies) should have the mothers surname as you are 100% sure that said kid is the mothers child. Not saying that your child may not be your dp's but do you see what I mean. If you remarried then you wouldn't have the hassle of having a different name to your child's and you wouldn't hack off exh by changing childs surname

My kids however have my dp's name. he told me we would get married but that was 14 years ago and at the time I didn't like my surname

[PrettyCandles]

Both my parents and my ILs couldn't get their heads around the fact that we had double-barrelled our names. I corrected my own parents several times (in one ear and out the other) but didn't feel I could do so with my ILs. So I ensured that every single written thing sent to them - birthday cards, dc's artwork, etc - was signed with proper, full names. Eventually they all got the message.

It is important to clarify the issue for your dd. I have two first names, my given one - which was only ever used by medics, and by new teachers at the begining of the school year - and what I've always considered to be my real name, the one that was and is always used. It caused me a lot of confusion, and I remember asking my parents to explain it when I was 6. My situation had an unavoidable and completely acceptable reason. How are you going to explain to your dd?

[weebump]

Hhmmm, yes, a printed name on a photo..... That sounds like a good idea, min.

[simplesusan]

I think minouminou has made a very good suggestion. You cpould get something ready for her grandad for father's day and possibly sent to other relatives too, just so grandad knows there is no mistake.

[spina]

my in-laws never for one second presumed that they're precious first grandchild would have anything other that his dad's surname despite the fact that I didn't have the surname as i wasn't married to dp (at time). When i did marry "said party" I took my child's surname(I do love my DH, but have never felt the need to take anyone's surname or in fact marry but that is a differant thread!)I'm still Mrs Maidenname at work.

Perhaps it was easier for your dp to be passive about "that" conversation. Perhaps his family don't give two hoots but he thinks they will.

Someone needs to mention to them though or you'll end up with a very upset baby jones at some point when she has tried to explain her name and the grown ups have told her she's wrong!( This happened to my son with regards school he was due to attend. A school visited his nursery and thought he was on their list so spoke to him about how exciting their school was.The whole time my ds1 kept saying "i'm not going to school B.I'm going to School A."He was told he was mistaken. It was the first time he realised that grown ups are always right!)

[minouminou]

I had a (only slightly) similar situation with DP's very elderly relatives.....
DS' and DD's surnames are double-barreled, with my surname first (not because I'm some kinda raging femmo, but because with DP's first, it'd sound like a merchant bank).
Anyhoo....congrats card arrives for DS from this old couple, along with a little present, and they've got their barrels mixed up.
DP was more taken aback by it than me, but didn't want to directly correct them, as he was worried about upsetting them.
So, by return of post, they got a nice birth announcement, with photo, and DS' full name, along with time, weight, thanks for the present etc....this made it look like it was a routine announcement, and not a gentlr correction.
No probs since....I think someone had said he was double-barreled and they assumed it'd be bloke 1st.
Could you try something like this - an "official" family pic, or nursery pic, and send them round to a few people, with her name on it?

[YMC]

Look at something like this

Label all of her belongings with her name - clothes, beakers, bags, toys; anything she has with her when she sees them. Job done.

[weebump]

zipzap, we had a naming party for her and had a cake with her name on it, but funnily enough it was just her first name!

I think he's told his mum, but she wasn't too pleased, apparently. So I can only guess he's a bit nervous of telling the others. It just seems odd to me . (btw, his family don't exactly talk much to each other, so his mum's probably not told them either...)

[Qally]

Paolosgirl - that's exactly why ds doesn't have both our names. We figured things could get quadruple-barrelled in future!

[scottishmummy]

maybe he just didn't correct their assumptions and as time elapsed felt too embarrassed to correct them

given that he agreed to your name as surname,caveman he isnt

but by all means correct their assumption that she is bloggs and keep doing it

our lo has both parental surnames and habitually father's aunty sends cards to Father surname only

we tell her,she ignores
so i sent the xmas card back "not known at this address"

she posted again with correct surname

job done

[simplesusan]

Did your dps family never think to ask what her correct name was when your dd was first born? Or even whilst you were pregnant?
If I was in the same position as your in laws I know that I would be asking my son and checking what surname his child would have.

[Kimi]

when I married DH1 I took his name, we had 2 children that have his name (both boys ) so will always have his name, I will never give up that name, nor disrespect my children by taking that name away, I will die with that name and it will go on my grave stone as it is my Sons name, even If I remarry 10 times, (I left him BTW so not trying to hang on to hiom in anyway)

[Paolosgirl]

Yes, of course they can make up their own mind! However, if I had 2 surnames then I have 2 names - the idea of having to choose one to prevent my offspring having 4 surnames seems kind of weird. Although there doesn't have to be a rule, there appears to be some sort of rule in Spain to prevent the endless passing on of multiple surnames - so although the country hasn't ground to a halt it has obviously been thought of!

Anyway, I'm losing concentration here and havering. I need my bed. Night night

[curiositykilled]

Sounds like he's worried about telling them. I think he should tell them because otherwise they'll think it is your decision not his and they are his family. A good way to try might be telling them that you both liked your surname better and that it is nothing personal. They have to lump it now anyway, it's done!

[edam]

Paolo - why can't the couple with two surnames each make up their own minds? Why does there have to be a rule?

Anyway, in Spain most people have two surnames, one from the mother's side and one from the father's. Country hasn't ground to a halt yet.

Actually I think the rules are, roughly, that when you marry your children get both your fathers' surnames. So Senorita Brown y Black marries Senor Jones y Smith. Their children are Felipe and Juanita Black y Smith.

So ultimately it is still the male surnames that pass down the generations, the woman's surname only survives in her own child, not any descendants. I think!

[zipzap]

Might also cause problems even before 'baby jones' can correct people if they call her the wrong thing - if any of your DP's family need to do you a favour involving your dd, such as pick her up from nursery, etc etc etc, it could cause lots of problems if they get her name wrong.

And if it was me in that position, I would probably be saying ' Well I am her grandmother, I should know and my DH /her dad calls her that, he should know...' and be thinking that I was fully right because I would know I had said 'baby bloggs' to my son and he had never mentioned it was wrong. And would then have to find out that I was actually wrong, would not feel good.

Could you wait until the next card turns up for your dd with the wrong name on it and have a quiet word with whoever sent it, along the lines of 'noticed that your card came with the wrong name on it today, wanted to make sure there's no confusion etc etc', keeping it all very low key and no big deal. Pretend to assume that they already know and have forgotten rather than it being a big deal and it might just slip in under the radar!

Don't know if you are planning on having a naming ceremony of any sort but it could be horrible for dp's family to find out that they have been calling your dd the wrong name at that! Unless you prime somebody to be videoing them at that moment to watch them all reacting...

[Paolosgirl]

I'm only guessing, I don't know the man!
Is it possible that he's now thinking that he might like to use his name as well as yours?

[weebump]

Paolosgirl, what do you mean by 'rethinking things"? Her name is my name, it's on her birth cert, he was totally encouraging that. I can't see us changing her name...

[Paolosgirl]

Genuine off tack question here, but if your child has 2 surnames, and then goes on to partner someone else with 2 surnames, then what surname does their child have? 4 names?

In answer to the OP, YANBU in wanting him to confirm her name. However, it could be that he's rethinking things, and in which case you should probably have a chat now about what her name should be.

[Kimi]

My personal take on this is children should have (in un-married) Both parents sernames.

Dh1 and I are seperated but if I remarry I will keep DH1s " name as that is the "family" name, my childrens name. So I would be Mrs second husband first husband. First DH is good with this.

I think you need to set the record stright if you want people to know

[weebump]

I thought it was whips bare arse back!

Maybe I should just let it go, but I think they might feel embarrassed for getting it wrong. I did refer to our dd by her full name in front of the Granddad last time he was over, so hopefully he heard!

Obviously names are more important to me than DP, and he doesn't get that at all.

[TheProvincialLady]

Well I read it as Wispabarearsecrack and I have no idea why

OP - I agree with Qally.

[forkhandles]

Wispa, just put capital letters at the beginning of the words - WispaBarsAreBack