Just relax and it will happen.... the what not to say thread.

[OracleInaCoracle]

this could have gone in conception, but i feel that everyone will benefit from this wisdom. plus any other tips gratefully recieved (ttc based or otherwise)

when a woman says "well, we've been trying for dc2 for 3.5y now, so we'll wait and see what happens" do NOT reply "aw, well just relax and it'll happen when you least expect it".

[WhaleOilBeefHooked]

But I appreciate that it wasn't all about me. It's just such a horrible situation to be in and it's so bloody unfair that there are some really good, loving people who struggle to conceive.

I know people say annoying things, but some of them would possibly be really hurt to know that what they've said has upset or annoyed you.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. I wish you luck for the future

[ChilliCrab]

YANBU, because you told the person that you've been trying to conceive for over three years. That for me is key. Because I do believe that some people who are trying to conceive really should just relax. I'm talking about people who've been trying to conceive for well under a year and yet get really neurotic about it. There are several people on this site I've read posts from who've been TTC for under 6 months or so, and yet are wailing on about the process, lamenting about how long it's taking them, 'medicalising' the whole thing right from the beginning by taking their temperature, feeling their cervix, using spermacide, insisting on specific sexual positions and specific times of the day, taking tests early, going to the doctor about their failure to conceive, using accupuncture, reflexology etc. And yet these same people then get pregnant at about the 6mths mark. Of course they bloody do - allegedly 75% of couples conceive within 9mths of trying/ And yet these neurotic women are, before conceiving, on threads here banging on about how they haven't conceived. They know all the science and statistics and methods re TTC and yet somehow they think they have a right to be one of only 25% who conceive within one month of trying. They presumably know that statistics are in their favour to conceive within 6mths, so why are expecting it NOW, NOW, NOW rather than relaxing and waiting for nature to take it's course? What right do they have to pretend that they share the pain of women who have actually been diagnoised with fertility problems, and who have been TTC for years? It really annoys me and so THOSE people, yeah, them I'd like to tell to just relax (and preferably give them a slap at the same time).

[echt]

I loathed the "don't leave it too long" unasked-for advice when DD was about 2. We never did manage it.

Jilly Cooper, who couldn't conceive wrote about this very well when she said there were only two reasons for people not having a baby, one was because they were trying and couldn't/yet and the other was they didn't want to ever/yet. And it was no-one else's business either way.

More lightheartedly does anyone remember the sketch for "ManStrokeWoman" where a couple are banging on to a woman about how fulfilling a baby is, everyone should have one, etc. and she responds: " I can't have baby; there's something wrong with my twat." Priceless.

[OracleInaCoracle]

whale, it is a difficult position. from my pov its hard when ds's classmates parents ask if im planning to give him a sibling (while stroking their massive bump) i know that i donyt have a sign on my head saying "RMC sufferer and now infertile" but if your lo is over 4 then chances are there is a good reasonb for them being an only child.

chilli, here here. thats the reason i tend to avoid the ttc threads now, i cant be responsible for what i type.

echt, pmsl, may use that in future. normally (if im feeling vicious) say "well, after 9 mc's, and ep, 1 tube left and 3.5y we've decided to stick two fingers up at mother nature and go the hard drugs route instead." or "last night was my fertile day, temp rose by 0.5 degree, we had sex doggy style during which we both climaxed then i lay with my legs in the air and bum on my sex pillow for 30 mins, what about you?"

[flaminhell]

Whale, you are right to feel a little robbed, you should have been able to jump for joy.

i have lost a good friend, I have 2 children, she has been ttc, I no longer see her, when I bump into her she just quikly runs off, because I have children she finds it hard to be around me, I have never said anything stupid or naff about ttc, she has changed, she has become the saddest girl I know, she is moody grumpy and has nothing in her life except ttc, Im afraid she will never concieve just be lost forever in her grief.

Her dh wants his wife back, he loves her and wants her to know he loves her with or without children, shes enough for him, he needs his wife she needs tc, I actually feel she will never concieve she is so wound up, her body must think she couldnt cope with the stress.

So sometimes I want to say Chill the f*ck out, be happy relax, but if i do, Im bein insensitive, seems to me , we cant win whatever we do, cause I got pregnant without any trouble, but I cant deliver, if it wasnt for modern medicine, I'd be dead, and so would my children, but you can beleive I have been branded to posh to push, took the easy option, and then theres the oh I want to deliver naturally brigade!!!!

Everyone has a story, some of us have a hard time whether, ttc, pregnancy problems, dh problems while pregnant, delivery, post pregnancy, ttc does not have all the bragging rights of having hard time of it.

[brimfull]

took us 10 yrs to conceive dc2

most of out family and friends were elated when told the good news

a few fuckwits had the brains to say "shame ..it's a bit late now" wtf?

[Goblinchild]

Tamarto :O

One of the ways to avoid some people making crass comments is not to share personal information with them.
If you're talking with a friend, you should be able to forgive them the occasional foot in mouth and explain how they've made you feel.
If, like me, you have an Aspie in the family you get used to all the helpful parenting advice offered by others, and personal comments, and ignorant questions and you build up a selection of tart little rejoinders.
But sometimes you need to take a deep breath and calmly explain to someone that should know better what they've said and how it made you feel.Then they learn.
Or yell 'P*ss off' and deal with them later.

[OracleInaCoracle]

"I actually feel she will never concieve she is so wound up, her body must think she couldnt cope with the stress." chances are if she has been ttc for a long time she does not need to chill out, she needs medical help. she needs to see her local unit and they will probably have some form of counselling to offer her, along with practical advice and options. i know that i do not have the monopoly on hard-done-by-ness, but i do feel within my rights to be pissed off when people who conceived and carried easily advise me that im too wound up about the whole thing, need to relax, stop taking all the pills and go on holiday.

stress may be a factor if you have been ttc for up to a year, beyond that it is likely that there is a medical problem and no amount of holidays, spa's or massages will help that

[flaminhell]

Lissielou She has she does, its been 8 years, and they find no reason why she cant concieve, she is too thin, her skin is bad, she drinks too much she thinks of nothing but ttc, she is wound up like a coil, and there is not a thing wrong with pointing out the obvious.

And you and I both know stress can and will stop you concieving, so it goes hand in hand, no getting away from it, may not be the same for all but it is a fact.

And spas and hols are only a day or a week thats not relaxing thats ignoring, relaxing is body and mind, more than a holiday.

jesus h, stress causes cancer, so sure as eggs is eggs it can cause you to not concieve.

[piprabbit]

Becoming a mum, and talking to other women about ttc, pregnancy, mc, birth and children I have heard so many sad stories. Everyone has their own problems and difficulties, more than I realised before I started talking about these things. It's so easy to look around and think that everyone is getting along with their lives nicely - only when people start sharing experiences do you realise how much (often secret) pain there is out there. I try so hard not to put my foot in my mouth these days, not sure if I manage all the time though.

[OracleInaCoracle]

flaminhell, it is a contributory factor in some women, but it certainly doesnot CAUSE infertility, and past a year it is less of a problem. it is certainly not a fact, and if it is then its not one i am familliar with.

she needs to look at her diet and lifestyle (i am anorexic and had to put on 1 stone before the cons would even look at me. it was hard but i now have a BMI of 21).

it is also impossible to relax when you are trying desperately to do something that is supposed to be so natural, seeing everyone around you moaning about ms, their bellies getting bigger, then a baby in their arms and knowing that they can do it while you can't, wondering if that makes you less of a woman and feeling that you have cheated your dh out of the family that he wants and deserves.

[duchesse]

Ah yes, the stress theory.

That would explain why there are no babies conceived during wars, air raids, in domestic violence situations or as the result of rape.

While we're on the subject of eggs, isn't it more likely, flippinell, that your friend is (very understandably) stressed out of her mind by 8 years of failing to conceive? Chicken and egg. She hardly needs telling she is stressed, but some understanding, sympathetic friends would probably be nice.

[OracleInaCoracle]

exactly duchesse

[makipuppy]

I think the problem with those who tell people with infertility issues to relax is that they're somehow assuming they know more than the doctors and specialists. It's glib and trite and doesn't acknowledge the pain. As they've never experienced the pain we have to cut them a bit of slack but it is hard.

I opened up to a friend of mine, when I hit 40, that I feared I would never have a child, including through adoption. She proceeded to tell me I didn't want a baby because they were smelly and noisy and she should know, because she'd had 3 etc etc. Wah!

It's a bit like telling people with chemical depression to buck up or do sport or something.

I would also love it if people stopped asking me, a terrible insomniac, if I've tried Nitol...

Lissielou it's a big fat juicy YANBU from me, wishing you all the best.

[beanieb]

since I found out I am going to miscarry I have had

'at least you know you can get pregnant'

'A lot of first pregnancies miscarry you know'

and

'Well, you do know you are more fertile after a miscarrieage don't you'

none of which are helpful for someone who is still waiting to miscarry and has been trying for 16 months to get pregnant

[beanieb]

And if stress stops you having a baby then why hasn't the stress I have been under the last few days made me miscarry naturally, eh?

[flaminhell]

We may not say how we feel, I may not say Im sorry you are having it hard, but I do think it, but to say it is somehow wrong, I become embroiled in the whole I have no right to an opinion situation, because I fall pregnant easily, but stress matters and it does make a difference, as do all other manners of things, but we keep our traps shut because we may and would get the responce we have and do on here.

To you Lissielou, I want to say, You have cheated no one, life has cheated you, you are less of nothing, you are more than most if you can rise above your hurdles. Dont think for one minute that I dont have empathy, I do, I love my children as you do the ones you long for, I do not know your pain, but I have pain in my life so I understand the nature of it, thats what gets confused I think, we all have our stories.

[OracleInaCoracle]

thank you flaminhell.

beanieb, im so sorry sweet, its the worst thing in the world.

makkipuppy, youve hit the nail on the head there