Just relax and it will happen.... the what not to say thread.

[OracleInaCoracle]

this could have gone in conception, but i feel that everyone will benefit from this wisdom. plus any other tips gratefully recieved (ttc based or otherwise)

when a woman says "well, we've been trying for dc2 for 3.5y now, so we'll wait and see what happens" do NOT reply "aw, well just relax and it'll happen when you least expect it".

[makipuppy]

I think the point is, it's very hard to 'relax' about something as bloody awful as infertility. When you're suffering, it's just the last thing you want to hear. Oh, I need to relax do I? And then it'll just happen? No -it's about eggs and tubes and wonky sperm and waiting for results and bad news.

Paisley's link is very good!

[WhaleOilBeefHooked]

I don't like that infertility etiquette page very much. Don't don't don't don't.

I was lucky enough to have 2 healthy pregnancies during the time that brother and sil were trying, I now have 2 gorgeous children. I never used to speak about my pregnancy, I never celebrated, the first reaction from anyone in our family when I told them I was pg was 'oh no, poor db and sil'. Everything about my pgs was brushed under the carpet.

They've now been approved to adopt and have had big champagne celebrations. They're also planning a huge baby shower. I am completely over the moon for them, but I do resent the fact that my pregnancies and births of my children weren't celebrated properly. Petty perhaps.

I just don't like being told what I can and can't say. I will be sensitive to the issues, but life does go on. Other people do get pregnant and sometimes people have a very tough time of pregnancy and are entitled a moan. No one is the centre of the universe.

[Portofino]

I remember being quite shocked when a friend announced she was PG, as I always assumed that she was never that bothered. In reality she suffered greatly from endemitriosis (sp?) and had never got her hopes up/never discussed the subject but in fact desperately wanted dcs.

I got PG on a drunken holiday the year before she did. It must have been awful for her - I was so blase about it! . She never said a word.

I feel for anyone who desperately wants a baby and it's not happening. On the other hand WhaleOil, not being free to shout from the rooftops about your pregancies must have been terrible too .

[makipuppy]

Whale I quite agree you should have been able to celebrate your pregnancies. Perhaps the oh poor db and sil reaction was more from your well-meaning family than from db and sil themselves?

I have rejoiced for every friend of mine who has got pg, even though I may have wept a bit too, at my own lot. After all, them getting pregnant didn't make it any less likely for me to get pregnant did it!

I am now rejoicing in my pregnancy! And all my friends are making a big fuss of me - since they know it nearly didn't happen for us (I'm 41).

You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells, but sometimes these things are a whole new world 'other people' know nothing about. I think the OP wanted to give people some constructive ideas about what to say.

[makipuppy]

Whale's story reminds me why I never said anything to anyone about our infertility or IVF. I would have hated to take away somebody's happiness because we were having trouble.

[paisleyleaf]

It's only since having fertility problems myself that I've learnt it can be quite bad manners to ask things like "are you going to have children"? "are you going to have any more"? "When will we be hearing the pitter patter"?....etc
I work with a bunch of quit clucky women who think nothing of just coming out and asking these things to people they hardly even know.

[paisleyleaf]

quite clucky

[Wonderstuff]

Having had fertility issues I think the most insensitive is people asking you if/when you are planning children. I had one hairdresser ask me 3 times during my first appointment, I didn't go back! Just so insensitive for someone to ask in casual conversation, I was always tempted to say 'actually I have had a miscarrage and been trying unsuccessfully for the last x years' but I was scared that admission would make me cry so I always said 'maybe'. We did after 3 years have dd. Now she is 18mo everyone thinks its just find to enquire about no. 2 GGRRRR

[AliGrylls]

Fimbo, I sympathise with you. I remember when I had my miscarriage sooooo many well intentioned people came out with the biggest load of bollocks when "I am sorry to hear your news" would have been more than sufficient.

The funniest pregnancy advice I heard recently though came from a friend whose husband had said to her "labour is just like running a marathon. You don't need pain relief - you just need to learn to breath through the pain".

[WhaleOilBeefHooked]

See, I never ask if people are planning a family anymore, but I probably would have done before db and dsil's infertility became apparent, because until then I just wasn't aware of the potential upset such an 'innocent' question could cause. It's just one of those things that people ask when they don't know what else to ask. It's not intentionally insensitive.

[WhaleOilBeefHooked]

And insensitivity and ignorance isn't exclusive to those with children. One of our dear friends lives with depression, and dsil (I do mean dear, I really do get on with her!) said 'but you've got a beautiful baby; what have you got to be depressed about?'

And she 'doesn't believe' in pnd.

Sorry, I'm not meaning to turf this into a debate. Then again, you did post in aibu!

[CheshireCally]

I always hated people asking if/when we would be having kids even though I was lucky enough not to have any probs conceiving (although of course I had no way of knowing that that would be the case until it was put to the test). I always avoided giving a straight answer whilst secretly thinking none of your sodding business! .

[paisleyleaf]

No need to apologise Whale
you're quite right in all you've said.

[WhaleOilBeefHooked]

And never say 'oh, you'll probably get pregnant once you adopt' to someone embarking on adoption. That has been said to sil many times and she's managed, so far, to respond politely!

[duchesse]

My sister, shortly after my missed miscarriage at 13 weeks, and 3 years into ttc:

"Maybe you just aren't meant to have another baby."

and

"I had a lot of trouble conceiving my first, and you didn't, so maybe it's fate."

She can be a complete bitch.

[WhaleOilBeefHooked]

Thanks Paisley

[warthog]

whale, i have the same thing with my sil & bil.

[GentlyDidIt]

WhaleOilBeefHooked I see where you're coming from. As you might imagine, the opposite happens, too. When my sis, sis-in-law, cousin and best friend all fell pregnant/had babies the summer after my spring miscarriage, I did a pretty good job of being happy for them, but had the odd good blub in private.

Unfortunately for me, a family member caught me having one of these private blubs (had popped to the loo during a family party, very heavy on baby talk, to have a breather) and I was told in no uncertain terms to pull myself together in case I upset the pregnant ones! I had been tip-toeing around so carefully trying not to be a harbinger of doom, too...

I think that would be my ultimate "what not to say," actually.

[5Foot5]

We tried for years and eventually succeeded via IVF.

It was only comparitively late on in the proceedings, i.e not long before starting the IVF, that we mentioned this to anyone.

But what always cheesed me off were other family members e.g. SIL who had a child within about a year of getting married, constantly asking "When are you two going to have a little one/come up with a cousin for XXX"

OK so we hadn't mentioned we were having problems but I still think it is incredibly insensitive to assume people are childless by choice

[Wonderstuff]

I guess it's a case of until you have walked in the shoes it's difficult to understand how hard it is to go through infertility/miscarrage/depression.
The worst comment was from my mum, she thinks she understands because she thinks she probably had a couple of very early m/c (in the days before home pg tests she isn't sure) Anyway when I told her about my 2nd pg at about 6 weeks (1st mc at 10 weeks, took 3years to concieve 2nd time) her response was 'Don't get too excited' like she honestly thought that it hadn't occured to me that we might lose the baby.

Whale I can't believe someone would say that to someone embarking on adoption, just insensitive on so many levels.

[paisleyleaf]

I understand where you're coming from with the 'fault' thing. ....like it makes ANY difference.
It was after a few years of getting nowhere ttc that me and DH got married. Marriage not being something we'd ever been too bothered about before.
It was a sort of message to each other that we want to be together with or without children, and regardless of where any 'fault' might be.

[WhaleOilBeefHooked]

Really Wonderstuff? So many people say it - they say it to me if I talk about db's plans to adopt, and they say it to them. It's like one of those urban myths that people like to share "I knew a couple who tried for years to have a baby, finally gave up and went for adoption, then conceived, just like that". It goes back to the "relax and it'll happen" thing - people seem to assume that once they stop ttc they actually will conceive (and of course, the adoption route is completely stress free ). Thoughtless, but not meant in a nasty way.

I cringed at something dh said to db and sil when they were still ttc. He said something like "sod the 'right time of the month', just have sex every day of the month and it's bound to happen" Yes dear, after 5 years ttc I'm sure that's just the advice they need. Again, he wasn't intentionally insensitive, just rather thoughtless. I've had to reign him in a few times, he just doesn't think about what he's saying before he says it.

[WhaleOilBeefHooked]

Makipuppy, you're right, the 'poor db and sil' probably did come from other members of the family.

To be honest, it's quite difficult for everyone in the family when a member has fertility problems. I know my parents found it difficult knowing what to say and what not to say, how to be supportive etc. Dh and I found it difficult that we were having our own family - didn't want to rub their noses in it but didn't want them to think we were avoiding them. Everybody wants to lend support to the people going through it and would never intentionally do anything to cause upset, which is why it's so frustrating when what you say is deemed as the wrong thing.

[OracleInaCoracle]

have calmed a little now. whale, its not fair that you had to play down your pg's to be kind. it must be horrible. sil had her dd a couple of months after i had my ep and i'll never forget how shamefaced she was visiting me in hospital laden with big bump. when R was born i sobbed for 15 mins then plastered on a grin.

i do know that the majority of people dont wish to be malicious though.