I'm not fond of performing oral sex on my husband, yet he demands it.

[KrissyKat]

My husband whines and complains that he doesn't get nearly enough blow jobs in his life and may start to look elsewhere for them. Mind you, he has a tremendous penis and I am extremely petite. (100 pounds dripping wet) It is completely unenjoyable for me and he conks out straight afterward, with perhaps a cursory grunt and "thanks, doll." What is my incentive to perform this ritual? We've been married 13 years and he is not exactly Mr. Vavavavoom in bed, yet he expects all manner of carnal delights for himself. Has anyone else had this experience? Do your husbands think the porn world is real life and women are breathlessly waiting to please them in any manner possible?

Heaven forbid we just go to sleep or cuddle and I not attend to his stiff little friend. Criminey! I'm not 25 anymore. And he is not exactly captain America, all rippling muscles and thick bronze hair. I sometimes wish I had a stand-in. He's always threatening to leave and I sometimes think, well, just go then and find a young lady who ices her cupcakes and bread with semen. UGH!

[Miyazaki]

From now on, CRIMINEY! is my new favourite allowed-in-front-of- the-dc substitute swear.

[Quattrocento]

Yes, naughty. Sorry.

[wehaveallbeenthere]

CicatrickOrTreat, you would know better than I what would count as "cute" with you. I guess it just depends on how clever your DH is.
Mine tends to bring me salmon and crackers and a movie (and a nice bottle of wine) before he puts the moves on me. Of course by the end of the wine (not nearly the end of the movie) I am all giggly and pretty much being the aggressive one. For me "cute" is being able to carry me upstairs...( I get very airheaded with just a bit of alcohol).
So what do YOU count as "cute"? He should at least come up with something original.

[TheScarletHarlot]

I'm with dingdong's brother, and the better you give the better you receive.

[CicatrickOrTreat]

weveallbeenthere - my DH wants to know what counts as "cute".

I think he'd be prepared to say anything frankly.

[Lowfat]

He he he

[squiffy]

Oh.... Quattro, I don't want to be you when Athene spots your post.....

[MrsMattie]

ROTFL @ OP. FGS, woman!

[Blondeshavemorefun]

if OP isnt a troll

tell him to go else where

no one should demand/make someone do something sexual that they dont want/like

have to say BJ's arent my fav thing to do,but feel that i should give dh one every now and again

he loves pussy licking

[wehaveallbeenthere]

Quattrocento, I am American. I'm sure the UK has their variation of Neanderthals too. Maybe after 13 years she really does still love the guy. He on the other hand is acting like an ass.
Be sure to have her gargle with olive oil before the jalepeno juice. The oil coats the throat and mouth....lol, yeah, I read that somewhere.

[Quattrocento]

I don't think the OP is a troll; I think she is just American. An unreconstructed variant.

To the OP. This whole blow-job-on-demand-without-reciprocity, abusive behaviour, threatening to leave schtick is appalling and you should leave him at once. Don't hook up with any more Neanderthals. Try and find someone nice next time.

[squiffy]

Has nobody yet explained to the yanks that there is a simple remedy to this problem which you can purloin from the pages of many a 1950's magazine: A wife who needs time to put her curlers in, and thus needs to ensure her husband is not requiring of 'one-dimensional conjugal rights' should make a habit of eating fiery chilli dishes immediately before retiring to one's bedchamber.

[dingdong05]

This thread is hysterical!

Tee hee- my gay brother says "Hail the glory- and get on with it"

[BoysAreLikeZombies]

Urgh yes the sore throat remedy

'Open wide'

Erm nah mate

[twinsetandpearls]

I thought my man was orginal in his loaded teenage boy in need of a wank humour, I am so dissapointed.

[no1putsbabyinthecorner]

lol at love lenght

She does sound young, but she does say she has been married 13 years.

Do people still do this after 13 years of marriage

[SheikYerBATi]

TSAP, I get that line if I complain of a sore throat.

I still laugh about the love length line 10 years later. What a prize nob! I wonder if his line ever got him anywhere

[twinsetandpearls]

Dps other line is if he hears me cough he says what you need is "Dr ** magic throat medicine"

[BoysAreLikeZombies]

[SheikYerBATi]

I remember one guy I went out with - he told me that later on that evening, he said "Listen baby, I'm going to take you home and put my love length in your mouth till you choke"

I choked from laughing, tbh

[twinsetandpearls]

How crap will you feel if she comes back and says no he does not have use of his hands.

[twinsetandpearls]

How crap will you feel if she comes back and says no he does not have use of his hands.

[Monkeytrousers]

I'm sure that someone else wil have said it but haven't read the thread..

but the man does have ude of his hands deos he not? If he wants a quick servive tell him to get on tte job, otherwise he needs to set a courting as an incentive for mutual pleasure.

Tell him there's no such thing as wifely duties these days!

[wehaveallbeenthere]

heh, BandofMothers...I gave normal advice. Well, normal as far as I am concerned. You probably won't know if she does come back as she may change her name.
If she is upstate NY then she clearly could use that kind of language. Not everyone has to swear to get their point across. She sounds young too. Very young.
I would akin MN to a bunch of hens in a chicken yard. There is a definite pecking order here IYKWIM.

[BandofMothers]

I KNEW you lot would scare her off.
Americans call people a tool like we would call someone a wanker, or suchlike.
Poor woman.
Come back KK and put on a thicker skin, mumsnet is fab, you just kind of have to get used to it's ways.
If you had come back straight away and it had been made clear you were not a hairy trucker and your problem was serious to you then you would have gotten a bit more proper support, the thing with threads that are left to their own devices is that it can set off in jokes between regular mumsnetters who then have a bit of a chat on your thread.

Don't take it too seriously, and we will try to give you a break next time.