To be ashamed of my family

[Litchick]

I am from a disadvantaged mining town and was brought up on a sink estate where most of my extended family still live.
They are very rough around the edges - smoke around children, get drunk until they are falling down etc - but I have always put that to one side because they are my family.
But this weekend I took the DCs back for a party and realised I am ahsamed of them. They are racsist, homophobic, covered in tatoos, uninterested in anything except watching the telly or going to the pub.
They love me and my DCs which is why I still go back but I do wonder if I'm doing the right thing - I spend half my time explaining to my DCs why it's wrong to lay about all day/call people spear chuckers/think all muslims are terrorists/ think school is a waste of time...

[lingle]

Stick with them Litchick. I think it is very unusual for the grandparent generation to damage the grandchild generation.

My MIL's parents were not really functional as parents (it wasn't their fault - they had both been in concentration camps). MIL is pretty screwed up by it all but DH is completely unaffected - if anything, it has made him more rounded.

[cheshirekitty]

I was from a dead end sink estate. My secondary school was featured in The News of the World as being the worst school in Britain. I still managed to get 5 GCE's (showing my age) and trained as a nurse then a midwife.

You cannot lump people into the same mindframes just because of where they are from. Everyone is an individual. Look at the Duke of Edinburgh. Had the best education etc, yet some of the things he says are totally racist.

[Litchick]

Should say at this point that my Mum is fantastic. She is the reason I ended up going to Uni and leaving the darn place.
It's just the rest of 'em.

[Boyswillbeboys]

My Mum and her brother came from a quite poor background.
She managed to work her way out of it, being in business with my Dad and they became quite well off. She then began to feel ashamed of her brother and her background and cut him and his family out of her life. I feel very sad that I now know virtually nothing about my uncle and his four daughters (my cousins) who are now grown up and have kids of their own.
Ok, they probably have nothing in common with me and my DCs as we have had a different life from them but they are still family. I suppose I'm trying to say, yours obviously love you, and you love them so stay in touch - you don't have to see them every day or share every viewpoint with them.

[Mercy]

Agree with jawjawnotwarwar.

Dh's family are affluent and apparently 'educated'. A few of them are incredibly narrow-minded snobbish ignoramuses.

Your family love you and your dc. That's important. Keep seeing them but continue to explain to your dc your pov.

[ScottishMummy]

you are describing taking a different path from your family and possibly exceeding their expectations.certainly you don't live their life or their environment any more and obviously this will raise polarised opinions/values

but remember class does not confer good manners or liberal attitudes

i grew up in a rough scheme.1st and only my family to go to Uni. we are different.they think i am right poncy. i think they can be cringe worthy

but hell i love them

just as they are

[mrsruffallo]

I think it's a good idea to challemge them in front of your dc.
Family are there when you need them, I am sure your mum is lovely

[wehaveallbeenthere]

Litchick, I see several resemblences to my family. All the wanting in the world cannot change them. You can only live your life the way you want to...and that is a blessing. I can only say (I'm not really proud of where I'm from but I choose not to forget) that my history is why I'm the person I am. You have made the choice to make yourself a better person. Someone your family can be proud of.

[mrsruffallo]

I don't think that class has anything to do with it.
Many working class people are well educated and liberal, and as most immigrants settle in working class areas, more racially tolerant than other sectors of society.

[stoppinattwo]

Litchick...they did get one thing right ...bacause you sound like you turned out ok

others are right...you cant choose your family, and you love them dearly, but you dont have to like what they stand for or the things they say.

My family have done and said some pretty bad things in their time but i love them all dearly and wouldnt be without them

[ScottishMummy]

my point about class was it does not equate that posh/affluent/middle upper means better opinionated and liberal and working class does not mean ill informed ignorant

naturally there are many divergent values and hard working people across all spectrum and socio-economic strata

the middle classes dont necessarily have dibs on being virtuous

[squilly]

I am from similar background too and clearly coming from that kind of bckgrnd doesn't mean you're destined to have poor behaviour...look at us!

I'd love to challenge my lot about their views, but they won't change them and I don't want the hassle. That may sound more than a bit lily livered, but my family lives 70-odd miles away...we don't see them often and I just want to make the best of them whilst they're around.

It's hard, cos we don't swear, smoke, drink, make racist remarks in front of dd, but my mum's 86 and, sadly, she doesn't know any better.