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AIBU?

To be ashamed of my family

37 replies

Litchick · 15/09/2008 14:44

I am from a disadvantaged mining town and was brought up on a sink estate where most of my extended family still live.
They are very rough around the edges - smoke around children, get drunk until they are falling down etc - but I have always put that to one side because they are my family.
But this weekend I took the DCs back for a party and realised I am ahsamed of them. They are racsist, homophobic, covered in tatoos, uninterested in anything except watching the telly or going to the pub.
They love me and my DCs which is why I still go back but I do wonder if I'm doing the right thing - I spend half my time explaining to my DCs why it's wrong to lay about all day/call people spear chuckers/think all muslims are terrorists/ think school is a waste of time...

OP posts:

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squilly · 16/09/2008 15:13

I am from similar background too and clearly coming from that kind of bckgrnd doesn't mean you're destined to have poor behaviour...look at us!

I'd love to challenge my lot about their views, but they won't change them and I don't want the hassle. That may sound more than a bit lily livered, but my family lives 70-odd miles away...we don't see them often and I just want to make the best of them whilst they're around.

It's hard, cos we don't swear, smoke, drink, make racist remarks in front of dd, but my mum's 86 and, sadly, she doesn't know any better.

ScottishMummy · 15/09/2008 20:52

my point about class was it does not equate that posh/affluent/middle upper means better opinionated and liberal and working class does not mean ill informed ignorant

naturally there are many divergent values and hard working people across all spectrum and socio-economic strata

the middle classes dont necessarily have dibs on being virtuous

stoppinattwo · 15/09/2008 20:46

Litchick...they did get one thing right ...bacause you sound like you turned out ok

others are right...you cant choose your family, and you love them dearly, but you dont have to like what they stand for or the things they say.

My family have done and said some pretty bad things in their time but i love them all dearly and wouldnt be without them

mrsruffallo · 15/09/2008 20:46

I don't think that class has anything to do with it.
Many working class people are well educated and liberal, and as most immigrants settle in working class areas, more racially tolerant than other sectors of society.

wehaveallbeenthere · 15/09/2008 20:46

Litchick, I see several resemblences to my family. All the wanting in the world cannot change them. You can only live your life the way you want to...and that is a blessing. I can only say (I'm not really proud of where I'm from but I choose not to forget) that my history is why I'm the person I am. You have made the choice to make yourself a better person. Someone your family can be proud of.

mrsruffallo · 15/09/2008 20:41

I think it's a good idea to challemge them in front of your dc.
Family are there when you need them, I am sure your mum is lovely

ScottishMummy · 15/09/2008 20:38

you are describing taking a different path from your family and possibly exceeding their expectations.certainly you don't live their life or their environment any more and obviously this will raise polarised opinions/values

but remember class does not confer good manners or liberal attitudes

i grew up in a rough scheme.1st and only my family to go to Uni. we are different.they think i am right poncy. i think they can be cringe worthy

but hell i love them

just as they are

Mercy · 15/09/2008 20:23

Agree with jawjawnotwarwar.

Dh's family are affluent and apparently 'educated'. A few of them are incredibly narrow-minded snobbish ignoramuses.

Your family love you and your dc. That's important. Keep seeing them but continue to explain to your dc your pov.

Boyswillbeboys · 15/09/2008 20:18

My Mum and her brother came from a quite poor background.
She managed to work her way out of it, being in business with my Dad and they became quite well off. She then began to feel ashamed of her brother and her background and cut him and his family out of her life. I feel very sad that I now know virtually nothing about my uncle and his four daughters (my cousins) who are now grown up and have kids of their own.
Ok, they probably have nothing in common with me and my DCs as we have had a different life from them but they are still family. I suppose I'm trying to say, yours obviously love you, and you love them so stay in touch - you don't have to see them every day or share every viewpoint with them.

Litchick · 15/09/2008 20:13

Should say at this point that my Mum is fantastic. She is the reason I ended up going to Uni and leaving the darn place.
It's just the rest of 'em.

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cheshirekitty · 15/09/2008 19:17

I was from a dead end sink estate. My secondary school was featured in The News of the World as being the worst school in Britain. I still managed to get 5 GCE's (showing my age) and trained as a nurse then a midwife.

You cannot lump people into the same mindframes just because of where they are from. Everyone is an individual. Look at the Duke of Edinburgh. Had the best education etc, yet some of the things he says are totally racist.

lingle · 15/09/2008 19:12

Stick with them Litchick. I think it is very unusual for the grandparent generation to damage the grandchild generation.

My MIL's parents were not really functional as parents (it wasn't their fault - they had both been in concentration camps). MIL is pretty screwed up by it all but DH is completely unaffected - if anything, it has made him more rounded.

Litchick · 15/09/2008 16:48

I do understnad how it gets to that point Nooka.

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nooka · 15/09/2008 16:16

dh's wider family are a little like this, and I do find it difficult because I stand out like a sore thumb and I am very uncomfortable with their attitudes to their children (smoking and drinking around them, language used towards them etc). However as they all think dh is a total layabout because he went to university we don't see them very much. I would not be at all surprised if they held other views that I wasn't keen on. But I do think it a little sad that my children have not met their great grandmother or great uncles and aunts on that side (dh decided he didn't want the children to go to any family events, and we have now stopped being invited).

random · 15/09/2008 15:58

hope that didn't sound too common

mayorquimby · 15/09/2008 15:44

yanbu i don't think i could put up with spending time with racist/homophobes even if they were family.
luckily i don't which i know makes it a lot easier for me to be all principled on the matter so i feel sympathetic towards your plight as the truth is i don't know how i'd react.

Litchick · 15/09/2008 15:38

Think I included it because everyone seems to have one. And not well thought out stuff just bull dogs and footie teams and england flags...

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PinkTulips · 15/09/2008 15:35

dp's family is from a council estate too and their way of life is so diametrically opposed to how we're raising our kids it makes it tough.

but at the end of the day they love our kids, support us even if they don't agree with us and if they say things we don't agree with, well, our kids know better because we're teaching them better so although it can be fairly strained visiting it could be alot worse.

(btw, on a personal note... not sure why you've included 'tatooed' in their list of faults, i'd like to think i'm still a good mother despite a bit of body art )

Litchick · 15/09/2008 15:25

I know you're right, guys.
DH, to his credit, never turns up his nose and just says that DCs points of reference are ours. He says we can be honest and just say x talks rubbish.
anorak - not sure my family want to learn a fat lot, especially from someone who has 'gone all posh'.

OP posts:

AmIWhatAndWhy · 15/09/2008 15:22

anorak I very much agree, as I said in my post earlier.

In fact recently I went out for dinner with some cousins and when we got out of the taxi one said 'bloody pakis' and all laughed. I was stunned and challenged them all about it, in an adult way over dinner and they all admitted it's just 'usual' to have that sort of attitude where they live and they actually don't believe the racist drivel they spout.

anorak · 15/09/2008 15:19

Litchick I agree with Northerner. They are your family and they love you, that's a wonderful valuable thing.

I have a lot of, shall I say, characters in my family but I know one thing, my family are there for me when I need them, in a way that very few friends are.

Sometimes when people are racist I think perhaps they don't know any better, they haven't ever lived in a situation where they've needed to learn something better and they are spouting their lines without really even thinking about what they're saying.

Be glad that you've been able to learn better and stick around being a good influence on your family. Tell your children that nobody's perfect including your family but that you love them and most of all, they are yours.

jawjawnotwarwar · 15/09/2008 15:16

Racism and homophobia is riddled throughout society, not just contained within sink estates.

poppy34 · 15/09/2008 15:16

out

litchick - think just have to learn to take the nice bits (ie that they love you/your dc) and remember that tis you/dp that your dc will follow.Also does them no harm at all to see that other people have different way of life etc and learn to judge for themselves

peenutt · 15/09/2008 15:13

yes i am sure.

LittleMyDancing · 15/09/2008 15:12

I've never seen charlotte121 post anything except stuff that makes me think well of her peenutt?

are you sure you have the right person?

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