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AIBU?

to think this lady shouldn't have her baby? (sorry long one)

62 replies

gemdangracie · 21/08/2008 22:57

AIBU? A lady I know is 13 weeks pregnant and she has 2 dc already one is nearly 4 and the other is 1.

She is dealing with social services as they suspected she was hitting her dc's (I witnessed this twice and reported it.) Her partner is a cocaine addict and frequently smokes weed.

Her and her partner have learning disabilities and her eldest dc has learning disabilities and they just cant cope as they dont get the support they need.

Social services already visit them twice a week for various things and have told them that if she goes ahead with the pregnancy then they will take all the dc off of them when this one is born.

Every friday she comes around to my house expecting lunch and dinner (but I can't not feed them as she never brings food for the dc's as she says she has no money and I can't see them starve) telling me she wants to buy all these double buggies that she really cant afford and the dc's have new clothes twice a month.

Do you think that she is being selfish by having this baby knowing that social will take them off her or should she enjoy the two she has until they can cope bettr than they are now?

AIBU?

OP posts:

Report

Quattrocento · 21/08/2008 23:26

From my understanding of the adoption processes - which we went some way down - you have to be approved.

You sound way too engaged in all this tbh.

chapstickchick · 21/08/2008 23:30

tis ok skramble im a moody old cow lol

Romy7 · 21/08/2008 23:30

this would presumably come under a private fostering arrangement and just have to be 'notified' to ss. i doubt they would buy it anyway, as the family are obviously getting ss support.
if i were you, gem, i'd be concentrating on putting her in touch with as many agencies as you can that can help her out, including ones for the dcs. does she have any voluntary support with the children? either from ss or homestart etc? has the family support worker got her onto all the available parenting courses in the area?
are the children registered for sure start places?

thumbwitch · 21/08/2008 23:30

What Romy said - and also what Totalchaos said. She does need professional help and tbh if she is abusing her DCs then they might be better off with someone else. Of course, they might not (remembering all the horror stories about children in care) - either way, you seem to be really almost too involved if you are not her family.

gemdangracie · 21/08/2008 23:31

I know i need to take a step back in all this but its so hard knowing that what is inevitably going to happen once she has the baby, and she dosen't get much help from others (ie not social) when she needs it the most. Im just finding the whole situation hard, I feel bad in still being her friend after reporting her to social, but I dont want her to go through it on her own iyswim?

OP posts:

Romy7 · 21/08/2008 23:34

does she have someone advocating for her and her eldest dc at meetings regarding his lds? not sure how old he is, or how severe, but lots of help available if you know where to dig it up.
i think you'll find that there will be more of a visible ss presence after the baby is born, as they will be wanting to make sure she is coping, and putting whatever support is necessary in place (including temp fostercare if that is appropriate)

TotalChaos · 21/08/2008 23:34

this lady and her partner should probably try and get some sort of independent legal advice given the threat to remove the kids, also I wonder if an organisation such as Mencap could also provide information or support to the parents.

lisad123 · 21/08/2008 23:37

have to say that research suggest that the more children that are added to parents with learning difficulties the more likely the children are to suffer harm. Its a sad fact, but it looks like your friend doesnt truely see the situation she is in. I work with a girl who has lost 4 children and had another one atm. She keeps telling me about when she gets her other children back ect, but i know they have all been adopted. she also couldnt see that spending £100 on next baby clothes was not the best way to spend her money when bills need paying.
Its a horrible situation, but looks like SS are on top of it.

Romy7 · 21/08/2008 23:37

they should be on the radar already for mencap - but the OP mentioned dyslexia so not sure what lds exactly...

Heated · 21/08/2008 23:38

This is one of those cases where however much you want to swoop in and solve their problems & you feel you could do a damn better job, that actually it's going to run its course.

gemdangracie · 21/08/2008 23:41

Thanks total, I will google Mencap now and see if I can dig out some info..
Romy, whats advocating?
I think I will ring her family support worker and see if they can give her some one to one care or some family sessions??
Where else would I be able to find info if they are still going to take the kids away if things dont improve significantly by feb 2009?

OP posts:

lisad123 · 21/08/2008 23:43

check local childrens centre, they often have support classes on

lisad123 · 21/08/2008 23:43

check local childrens centre, they often have support classes on

Onestonetogo · 21/08/2008 23:44

Message withdrawn

gemdangracie · 21/08/2008 23:45

local childrens centre is where we go for a toddler group twice a week its them who is providing the family support worker.

OP posts:

TotalChaos · 21/08/2008 23:46

having had a quick google, this site may be of interest to you and to the parents:-

www.bristol.ac.uk/norahfry/right-support/parentsinfo.html

lisad123 · 21/08/2008 23:51

hmm intresting, we have 2 types of family support workers here. Ones from Childrens centre and one from social services. TBH the ones from social services should eb able to offer more indepth support than a CC one. Just my opinion, having done both.

UniversallyChallenged · 21/08/2008 23:53

Most towns have an advocate society run by volunteers who are there on behalf of say a deaf lady who cant explain her needs and the advocate will organise care meetings/family support/ parental guidance - whatever the need is.

They are usually in phone book or google one in your area.

At work we find them priceless and a great go between SS and the person- SS can be a little scarey for some people

lisad123 · 21/08/2008 23:55

also could request a worker from adults with disabilites team

gemdangracie · 21/08/2008 23:59

i didint know that I thought that the family support worker was from the cc we go to as she always seems to be there every session and has the centres id badge on?!

lisa- from your opinion do you think that I am too involved in this or am I ok in being "there" for her when she needs to talk?
I just dont know what to do I feel sad for the family

OP posts:

lisad123 · 22/08/2008 00:06

she properly does work for the CC, but here we have family centres too, that work for SS.
I think you need to consider how much impact this has on your own family and your own children. Its hard and if you feel your able to be there for her, by all means do.
Just be prepared that they may ask for your details if they go for removal
having worked with families with parents with LD its hard as its not their fault, and there is very little that they are able to change in such a small amount of time. the other thing is the children are more at risk the younger they are.

GothMummy · 22/08/2008 00:28

I think she is going to need (more?) support with this new baby, things are definately not right in the family by the sounds of it. If she does have learning difficulties (what sort? Do you know the specific nature) she may be unable to make plans about the future based on prior experience. I dont even know what to say about drugs being involved in the situation, its all very sad.

You did the right thing to report any suspected child abuse by the way.

I think you need to step away from the situation though as it sounds like you are getting very deeply involved.... I know you care about the children though so its tricky.

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nappyaddict · 22/08/2008 01:35

i don't really understand why they have to take all of the children away if she has the baby. up until now she has been ok to look after 2 children but if she has a 3rd she suddenly can't look after any?

gemdangracie · 22/08/2008 08:20

nappyaddict- they have already told her that they wanted to take her 2 dc's off her (abusing them and strugling to look after them properly) they have told her that having the baby is going to make her situation alot worse and are worried about the dc's safety.

OP posts:

Guitargirl · 22/08/2008 08:29

I am pretty shocked that social services have said that to her, that they are going to remove her children if she does not terminate her pregnancy...!?! If the situation is so bad then why are they waiting until her new baby is born before removing the other two children? It doesn't make sense.

She needs an advocate and one who works with adults with learning difficulties.

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