MIL with no boundaries

[Hellohola98765]

Hi

i just really need to let this out as the frustration has been building for months if not years! Slightly complicated situation in that we live on a farm and recently swapped with the in laws to live in the main farmhouse, in laws now live a few miles away.

my MIL means well and is a kind person however she appears to have no understanding of boundaries or invading peoples privacy. She doesn’t work and recently most days whilst I have been at work has been letting herself into our house and making and serving food for my husband, his brother & FIL. Last week she used all of the jacket potatoes that I had meal planned for us to eat that evening and so I returned home from work to find my planned evening meal had gone. Today I returned home from work to find she had turned our heating on at lunchtime and left it on all day so I returned to a sweltering house where 7 hours of heating had been left on unnecessarily!

my husband sees absolutely no fault in her ways and can’t seem to grasp that I need personal space and might not appreciate my things being moved around or our space being intruded whilst I am away at work. MIL is disorganised, chaotic and will drop in with absolutely no notice regularly.

I know this may be a traditional way for farming families to operate but I am struggling to cope with the intrusion as a person who enjoys their own personal space and wants to be able to relax on their days off work. I feel it is putting a lot of pressure on our relationship and is largely the only thing we argue about however my husband will simply not acknowledge or respect my feelings about this.

any advice appreciated

[ZekeZeke]

You have a DH problem.
He is the one that needs to speak up, if he doesn't see an issue with her behaviour things will only get worse, particularly if you have children.
It needs to stop now.

[WhatAreYouOnAbout]

You’re definitely not being unreasonable. I would crack up if that was going on for me! You have to do something about this in a non threatening kind way. She obviously means no harm and obviously feels like it is still her home. Only it isn’t. Now that you’ve written this down, do you think you could do that a few more times and rehearse saying it to a point where you could “calmly” tell her how this is affecting you, dispite her intentions which you have no doubt about, rather than in an accusatory manner! You have to say something but you don’t want to fall out with her. Would love to hear how you get on.

[Longdueachange]

This is difficult. I had something similar, not my mil crossing boundaries, but more my dh's siblings. They still saw the family business we took over as their parents, and not my dh's and mine. They continued to help themselves to vehicles, equipment and fuel, filled our skip with their junk and ordered stuff on our trade account. It took a while but we managed to get the message across. I think you need a full and frank discussion with your mil. In the world you and I live in, the women rule the home, so don't do the default mumsnetty thing where yoi ask your husband to sort it, he won't as he won't see an issue. Speak to her woman to woman and tell her that she is stepping on your toes.

[LydiaTomos]

I would hate this - and that's why I didn't marry a farmer.

[Thulpelly]

Have your DH spoken to her about what your (collective) boundaries are?

[BettyShagter]

The obvious one is to change the locks and tell your DH why you've done it.

If you think that'll cause too much trouble between you, you really need a firm word with your MIL and ask for her keys.