Sad my DB doesn’t want to know me - AIBU?

[UpsetSisterSledge]

I am the youngest of my siblings. Growing up I got on really well with all of them. As adults I get on really well with them except 1. It’s not that we don’t get on, I just feel he doesn’t want to know his family.

We are working class, from a tough estate. We’ve all grown up and got quite decent jobs, and are doing alright. This DB has a really good job, very professional, and married someone professional from a MC background, who went to a top private school.

DB and I live in the same major city, at the other end of the country to our parents and other siblings. He lives 30 mins from me. Our DC are not too far apart in age.

I feel like he doesn’t want to know us. Me, or my siblings. I’ve invited him and his family over, and he declines. I was in his part of town for the afternoon and asked a week in advance if he wanted a coffee, and said he didn’t see my message. Sometimes he messages me if our parents are sick, and I call him, but he doesn’t answer. However I have 2 ticks instantly on WhatsApp messages meaning he’s got his phone to hand.

I just feel so sad that he doesn’t want to know me, my family and my birth family. My DC have never once had a birthday or Christmas present whereas I bought his. He seems to hold us in contempt. There’s been no fall out or issue. I blame him, but do think he’s a bit controlled by his wife. I was really stuck once and asked if I could stay the night (19, between accommodation) and she said no!! I slept on a friends floor.

I feel like I’m waiting for him to change, or throw me a fish, but he doesn’t. My DH think his behaviour is pretty crap, as he’d do anything for his Sis. If my other siblings lived 30 mins away, I’d see them loads.

Not sure what I’m asking. I’m beginning to think that I should just forget about him and leave him to it, rather than be sad. If he wasn’t my brother I wouldn’t bother with him.

[Pheeeeebs]

It’s shit. I have similar and you can’t change someone. If you have the patience and will then perhaps a heart to heart might help, but be prepared for his denial. If that’s not possible. Then sadly you have to move on.

[ASeagulStoleMyIceCream]

I’ve been through the same. My sibling married money, started looking down on me, spent less and less time with me until it became nothing. Lives the same distance away from me as your brother. Haven’t seen them for 10 years now. It hurts like hell. My sibling is busy living their ‘best life’. There is nothing you can do. It’s hard to recover from. No advice, just solidarity.

[vidflex]

My brothers the same. We had pretty awful childhoods. I'm the eldest and I took a job at 16 instead of going to college so I could at least feed us properly. I bought my siblings up. Mom was an addict. I encouraged my siblings to stay in education and they all grew up to be bloody amazing successful adults whom I'm immensely proud of. We were very close. Brother went on to become very successful in his career and married a lovely woman in the same field. But he drifted away from us, rarely returning calls, not coming to family events etc. when we did see him he'd be very boastful and take great joy in looking down on the rest of us siblings achievements. It was heart breaking.

We still ring and text him, see how him and his family are but it's rarely replied to. We just keep the lines of communication open and try not to be hurt by it. I know it's hard op. I think we find it hard to understand when people who are supposed to love us don't behave the way we would.

[hopscotcher]

Not unreasonable at all to feel sad, but it doesn't sound as though you can do much to change things. I think I'd just leave the relationship as it is - contact by text when necessary.

[ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine]

Don't go chasing after someone who doesn't see your worth. Even if it's family. Focus on the people who want to spend time with you.

[HoHoHoliday]

What's the age gap between you? I wonder whether as the youngest you look up to the other siblings as one group, whereas perhaps if he's older you are just a younger sibling that he doesn't have much interest in? (Sorry - sounds brutal, but I expect the case for a lot of older siblings).

I always got on well with my siblings as children, am still close to one but not so much to the other since he got married and his life moved on.

[Comedycook]

That sounds so upsetting and hurtful. I'm not sure there's much you can do to be honest, but it's very sad and you have my sympathy

[TheIceQween]

I know it’s hard but match his energy. You put the same into him, that he puts into you

[hattie43]

My first thought is that he's ashamed of his background and wants to steer clear of anyone who reminds me of it . Especially as his wife is from a MC background presumably wealthy if she went to a top school .

One day he will be full of regret

[hattie43]

Him of it

[PollySolo]

From what you say, it’s nothing personal to you, as he’s the same with all your siblings. Might it be that he simply doesn’t want a reminder of your childhood, so wants no contact with family? I’m the eldest of a large, poor family, and while I wouldn’t say we don’t ’get on’, we’re not at all close. As the eldest, I think I got parentified very young, and my parents relied on me far too much to look after the others and as a confidant, so I probably saw far more of the poverty, over-crowding and stresses than my youngest sibling who is a decade younger.

I mean, I do appreciate it’s hurtful, but it doesn’t sound personal.

[UpsetSisterSledge]

Yes, I think a mixture of things. Embarrassed at his background, his wife is a few classes up, but to be honest, she’s one of the least generous people I’ve ever met, whereas my siblings and their partners would give you the shirt off their back.

I also think that despite his success, he’s jealous. He has so much, but gets annoyed and petty if you get anything. He’s very competitive.

I’d love to have a nice relationship with my sibling and it worries me that my own DC, who get on really well now, will drift apart.

[SmugglersHaunt]

I have one brother - after not speaking to me for 10 years he said to me at my dad’s funeral: “now we have to work together like colleagues on a work project till mum is dead, then I never want to see or speak to you again” What a charmer

[ASeagulStoleMyIceCream]

@SmugglersHaunt your brother sounds so cold and callous. We can’t pick our family, but some of us really do pull the shortest straw.

[AcrossthePond55]

@UpsetSisterSledge

I just feel so sad that he doesn’t want to know me, my family and my birth family.

You mention 'our parents' but refer to 'MY' birth family. Are all of you (all the siblings) 'full' siblings to him is there a mixture of siblings and half siblings? Because although it may very well be simple snobbery on his or his wife's part, but it also may be that he doesn't want to be close to half siblings.

At any rate, I guess it doesn't really matter. In the end you can only control yourself and given what you've said about him you'd be better off it you simply stopped trying. Let him drift away, make no further efforts. If he wants to be in touch, let him make the move.

[UpsetSisterSledge]

Sorry, it is “our birth family”, our parents and siblings.

[GoingOnHol]

Unfortunately this is one of those instance when just because you are related to someone doesn't guarantee a relationship/bond.
From what you've said he doesn't sound like a particularly nice person anyway so what would he add to your life if he was around more?
I think you even said if he wasn't your brother you wouldn't be friends with him so there you go.
It is sad, but you have other siblings you are close to and do have a good relationship with.
My sister lives on the other side of the world and I've seen her probably 3 tomes in 10 years, speak maybe twice/3 times a year, she's my only sibling as well so I kind of know how you feel

[Walkiesandtalkies]

Scarily similar to my own situation, though I have no other siblings. The sense of loss and heartbreak is huge, so be kind to yourself, there is nothing you can do to change it and, from what you've said here, it absolutely is his loss. 💐

[penjil]

He won't be throwing you a fish. He won't be doing it now, or in the future.

Just move on, as hard as it is.

Let him have his life, and you concentrate on yours and your other siblings and family.

[DesparatePragmatist]

This sounds so hard and sad. Different situation, but I've realised lately that I will never have a meaningfully close relationship with my sibling, despite seeing each other every few months. It's a kind of grief. Sympathies OP.