To ask what happens when Social Services gets involved

[MadameDeLaRue]

There has been a referral because my 7 year old child has been mistreated by their father. The father was coercively controlling to me and has imposed control on my child which may have negatively impacted their physical health.

The ex is devious and will definitely minimise, lie, characterise me as being at fault somehow.

I have been keeping a log of my child's feelings (they say that their father is mean and that they hate him, but can't or won't give details).

How will this work? Will SS be interested in all the details that I can share? I truly think that my ex is a dangerous and controlling person who has created a culture of fear for my child, and I am worried about this getting swept under the rug.

*the log also describes incidents that have occurred, like him telling my child that I didn't care about seeing them on a special occasion, ambushing me at the school gates, not washing or brushing my child's hair for a week, etc

SS will listen to everyone involved, their also speak to the school. Not sure what they can do with your log as he can turn round and say it's all lies. Hopefully your child opens up to a professional, their very good at getting children to.

I forgot I also have photos of my child's hair and some videos of them sharing their feelings. (A few times I put the video on and had it pointing to the ceiling when they were telling me how much they don't like Daddy, begging me not to send them anymore, etc)

The allegation against him was presumably made by someone independent to yourselves? If so, he already has a challenge to change their perception of him. Hand over all the info you have. It can only help you.

@FunLurker my child doesn't like talking to anyone about their feelings or experiences as a rule. Even me - though I think I get the most privileged access.

My child's best friend's mum (also my friend) told me that my child confided in them about being terrified of their father and hating him. Would they want to know about this? I think it's really important that they understand how fearful he makes everyone despite not being physically violent.

@Summerishere123 I reported concerns to the school. They contacted SS.

I remember your thread about your daughter.

All the questions you're asking here are questions you'll be able to ask SS. They will talk to everyone involved including you. Tell them that you have a record of everything and they will tell you whether it's something they should/shouldn't see.

Yes, of course they would want to know if your child repeatedly tells people she is frightened of her father. Tell them literally everything that concerns you about your daughter's interactions/reactions to her father.

@KreedKafer I'm so frightened about this process.

Assuming your child is safe in your care social work will explore any support you might need. They won’t necessarily get involved in contact with your child’s dad unless they think there’s a clear safeguarding concern which might mean supervised contact. What are you hoping the outcome will be?

@MadameDeLaRue Oh, honestly, I do completely understand that - sorry if my post came across as being a bit cold! I'm sure any parent would feel frightened in your position; that's a very natural reaction.

In your case, I think it's probably being made even more frightening by the fact that you suffered coercive control from your ex when you were married to him. It's very hard to let go of that feeling of walking on eggshells, isn't it? There comes a point when that sort of behaviour from a partner makes you feel uncertain of everything, even after you've separated from them. And subconsciously there's probably still a part of you that's still scared about angering him even though you're no longer together. Again, I think that's really understandable.

I think there's probably also part of you that's scared about what the whole process might actually reveal. Your little girl has told you at least one thing about her father that suggests he is definitely abusive and she's told you she hates him and is scared of him, but you've also said she often won't/can't share her feelings and worries, so I'm sure you must be feeling incredibly apprehensive and scared about the possibility of other abusive behaviours being revealed that you previously didn't know about it. Let's face it, nobody wants to find out that their child has suffered any kind of abuse - it's a horrible thought. But of course, if there is abusive behaviour going on, it won't stop unless it's uncovered, so you need to face that possibility.

You clearly have a strong instinct to protect your daughter, and that's what you need to hold on to. That's what will carry you through this process. Tell the social workers every single thing that you feel could be relevant - it doesn't matter if you give them more than they need or if you tell them something that they don't consider significant. It's up to them to decide.

You are a brilliant mum and you are doing this for your lovely daughter (who sounds like an absolute sweetheart and clearly loves and trusts you more than anyone else in the world). You can definitely get through this, I promise.

@Jellycatspyjamas I don't have a clear idea of what I want. I want our child to feel safe and happy, and I don't think that my ex provides this type of environment.

I'm afraid that ex will make accusations against me and social services will believe him.

I called the school because what he did to our child is clearly wrong but I know if I raised it with ex, he would minimise and make attacks against me.

Ex is currently pushing for increased contact and I am concerned for my child's safety (including/especially emotional safety) should this happen.

@KreedKafer thanks so much for taking the time to write this response.

I will tell them everything.

Though I am afraid of finding out more awful things that he has done / is doing, I am more afraid that my child won't disclose or that social services won't understand the abuse because it's so sneaky.

He doesn't hit and doesn't raise his voice typically, but he's a malevolent and dominating force that crushes any dissent.

For example, even my child seems to think that he's an innocent party in arguments he has with his girlfriend. Apparently he stays perfectly calm while she gets whipped into a frenzy. I know from experience that he's likely being very emotionally cruel and unfair to the girlfriend, then smirking to himself about how he's the model of good behaviour.

Update: the social worker was very nice and took everything that we said seriously.

My daughter told the social worker that she is sad on days when she sees her father and that she doesn't want to go there anymore. She also said that he and his partner shout at each other constantly in front of the children. She confirmed (or half confirmed) the point that caused me to report in the first place.

My daughter was with her father yesterday. He wrote me an email saying that my daughter told him that a social worker came and that she won't have to go to his house anymore. (She was not told this). He has demanded to know what is happening.

I plan to ignore - but any advice welcome.

Not sure why my daughter told him this. I think she tells him every time she goes there that she doesn't want to see him anymore. I'm worried that he will be even more mean to her as a result of her revelation.

Is your dd back with you now? I'm not sure how to advise, but I hope someone is able to. I remember your post about what your ex was doing. 🙁

@TobaccoFlower she will be back tomorrow. Hopefully she will be ok - can't wait to see her.

My DD is back. She says daddy harms her when he is angry. (But only for a short time, she says). Really upset edited by MNHQ at the OP's request

Oh my God. I hope she never has to go back. Her life's at risk with him.

I have texted the social worker and I plan to call the school tomorrow. My intention is to never willingly let her go to his again. I agree that her life could be in danger. I am aware of the DV stats on women who have been strangled.

You need to report this 'assult' to the police, because this is what it is. This will also support your case for safeguarding.

I am going to ask her more about it today and then assess what to do. She told me this when we were on our way to meet friends and I have not had a chance to fully confirm what has been happening

Social worker in CP...if you leave it too long to report you could be seen as not being a protective factor. Do it soon.

Ring the police straight away. He could end up killing her.

She told me more about this and demonstrated on my neck. I definitely need to call the police.

Good luck, you are doing the right thing.